One of my most significant friendships just ended. But I have felt for a long time that it wasn't particularly healthy for me. Something that I do that keeps me invested in (and in pain from) bad relationships is to spend a whole lot of time focusing on the good things in people.
I think this is an important skill for everyone to develop, to be able to recognize that we are all imperfect and that even people who drive you nuts can and do have some very good things about them. But when this "skill" becomes a way to make excuses for the bad behavior of others, it becomes really unhealthy.
I worry a lot about other people who not only don't give a lot of consideration back to me, but hanging onto these unhealthy "friendships" means I'm not spending the time developing healthier ones.
While it's natural to worry about our friends- especially if we and/ or they struggle with mental illness- if that's the strongest feeling in a relationship, that's probably not a very healthy relationship. Mutual caring, laughter, shared interests, an investment in being in touch and getting together, respectful listening and feedback when not in agreement over something, those are all things I think are pretty critical to a healthy friendship. And these things were largely lacking in this significant relationship that I am now losing/ leaving.
I am going to have to grieve, regardless. The person ended up sending me a very personally nasty email, calling me names. And of course I'm telling myself she's lashing out at me like that because she's hurt, but if these are the kinds of things she's willing to say to someone she once cared about, it's pretty clear to me that I am making the right choice. Even if it hurts.
I think this is an important skill for everyone to develop, to be able to recognize that we are all imperfect and that even people who drive you nuts can and do have some very good things about them. But when this "skill" becomes a way to make excuses for the bad behavior of others, it becomes really unhealthy.
I worry a lot about other people who not only don't give a lot of consideration back to me, but hanging onto these unhealthy "friendships" means I'm not spending the time developing healthier ones.
While it's natural to worry about our friends- especially if we and/ or they struggle with mental illness- if that's the strongest feeling in a relationship, that's probably not a very healthy relationship. Mutual caring, laughter, shared interests, an investment in being in touch and getting together, respectful listening and feedback when not in agreement over something, those are all things I think are pretty critical to a healthy friendship. And these things were largely lacking in this significant relationship that I am now losing/ leaving.
I am going to have to grieve, regardless. The person ended up sending me a very personally nasty email, calling me names. And of course I'm telling myself she's lashing out at me like that because she's hurt, but if these are the kinds of things she's willing to say to someone she once cared about, it's pretty clear to me that I am making the right choice. Even if it hurts.
