So, a friendship just ended...

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One of my most significant friendships just ended. But I have felt for a long time that it wasn't particularly healthy for me. Something that I do that keeps me invested in (and in pain from) bad relationships is to spend a whole lot of time focusing on the good things in people.

I think this is an important skill for everyone to develop, to be able to recognize that we are all imperfect and that even people who drive you nuts can and do have some very good things about them. But when this "skill" becomes a way to make excuses for the bad behavior of others, it becomes really unhealthy.

I worry a lot about other people who not only don't give a lot of consideration back to me, but hanging onto these unhealthy "friendships" means I'm not spending the time developing healthier ones.

While it's natural to worry about our friends- especially if we and/ or they struggle with mental illness- if that's the strongest feeling in a relationship, that's probably not a very healthy relationship. Mutual caring, laughter, shared interests, an investment in being in touch and getting together, respectful listening and feedback when not in agreement over something, those are all things I think are pretty critical to a healthy friendship. And these things were largely lacking in this significant relationship that I am now losing/ leaving.

I am going to have to grieve, regardless. The person ended up sending me a very personally nasty email, calling me names. And of course I'm telling myself she's lashing out at me like that because she's hurt, but if these are the kinds of things she's willing to say to someone she once cared about, it's pretty clear to me that I am making the right choice. Even if it hurts.
Hey candlelight I can understand where your coming from i have a friend who is a nice person and ive seen people take advantage of her even recently and even though ive given her my honest advice. She is the one that has to stand up to those people and set boundries or cut them out of her life. Ive had a friend since kendergarden and i had to stop being her friend for almost 3 yrs because she was in a abusive relationship and i had to take a step back and let her do her. You will get through this i know that it seems hard right now but its for the better.


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Hi CandleLight
Sorry about your ended friendship. Not easy to go through. But maybe it's for the best, as hard and hurtbreaking as it sounds. You don't have to endure insults and moral violence, and i really hope that you're not feeling guilty about anything. If you decide to stop implying in this friendship it's because your reason or common sense told you to. It's not selfish to protect yourself before helping your friends.

Sassy Cat

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I think leaving someone can be the bravest thin you do even though it is the hardest thing also. I am divorcing my husband and I wish I had been able to do it before things got so bad. It is good to do the right thing for yourself.


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I hope things work out for you I think you have mad the right decision. Friends should be kind and respectful to your understanding and needs not throwing abuse at you in e-mails. I wish you the best. You seem like a very wise person. Way to go :)


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Thank you, all. And sassy- please do feel free to keep me updated. Or you can reach out in a PM! I appreciate the positive support in this thread and on this site. Thanks for the comments.
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