So lost.

[naksan]

I don't know exactly when, but I'm definitely going to die. By suicide, sooner or later.

I'm so lost as in complete lack of hope, not knowing how to cope with my terrible anxiety issues. I've never been this down.

I can't get back up, I can't. So shy to talk to anyone about it. And it's not like it's a big deal anyways. I die, my parents will get over it, in a week or two. And they'll probably tell my younger sisters I moved or something.

I'm lost. lost. so lost. Hopeless. Just wanna sleep. Sleep through it all, but that's not possible. I'm done. Let me off this planet, please.

I've descended into alcoholism. Vodka is my only friend. But I know, it's not gonna be my friend in the long run. It only brings on more anxiety. I don't know how to cope anymore. Every day is a nightmare.

Ugh. Thanks for reading my rambles.

 

[black orchid]

Sorry you feel like this :hug:

I don't think your parents will get over it in a week or two, its something that will affect the rest of their lives and your sisters too. Even if your parents lie to them for now eventually they will find out the truth.

Stay around and talk to people here for a while i'm sure you'll find a lot of support

 

[naksan]

Thanks, orchid, for your reply.

That's the only reason I have not offed myself already. I'ts a dilemma. I don't wanna cause any pain to my family, parents and sisters. My youngest sister, she's 7, is very shy, seems to worry about everything and she reminds me alot about me when I was that age. I want to live and make sure the same thing doesn't happen to her.

But what's the reason to live, when I have nothing to live for and every day is just a struggle.... I've been feeling this way for 10-something year and am so tired of it.. So tired.

I want to get better. I do. I want to live. But not this life, it's awful. And as I said I've lost hope anything's gonna get better. 10 years and it's always been this way. That's why my urge to kill myself completely overrides the will to go on.

 

[Marathon-Running-Bunny]

If you die, and if your family knows about it, it is going to cause more pain to them.. So please don't.. Hang on there.. Get an appointment to see a counsellor and ask for help.. Things will get better with time.. Don't ever think of suicide..

:hug:

 

[black orchid]

You sound a lot like i used to be, i spent years living for my younger brothers as i didn't want them to feel the way i did after my friend ended it, and i convinced myself that if i was around they wouldn't get hurt and made to feel the way i do. I now know that wasn't quite the case but i tried.

Have you ever tried counselling at all? It didn't work to start with for me but i did learn to start talking about things a bit more.

Are there any small changes you could make just to even remotely improve things?
I had completely given up hope, and was very much ready to go until recently. Things aren't going to just change overnight but sometimes even a few small changes that can make even one task easier or less stressful can make all the difference.

You want to get better, so don't give up fighting

 

[DeAdwOrLD]

Wanted to acknowledge your post. I feel for you and I know about the hope thing.

Vodka isn't the way to go. Try something less corrosive to your poor liver. I would recommend something but not here.

Please stay talking - you want to stay alive. There is a life out there for you that has your name on it which will make you happy. It's just a matter of finding it..