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Sorry in advance

sadhart

SF Supporter
#1
I'm not sure where I'm going with this so sorry in advance. Tomorrow is the 20th anniversary of the Columbine high school shooting. I only remember one thing from that day. I was in last period class, math which was my weakest subject. I was just sitting at my desk trying to figure out a problem when I realized this guy, who sat next to me, and this girl, who normally sat elsewhere in class, was sitting on the other side of me. I didn't look at them back, but them just looking at me was rather uncomfortable. I tried to keep my attention on the math problem and ended up resting the side of my face in my hand. For whatever asinine reason, this caused both of them to burst out laughing. I had dealt with them before. A few months prior, the girl was sitting in the back of class just talking about me along with some other students. Just saying all kinds of things like how something was wrong with me and how stupid I was. I believed this to be true, especially since she was so smart. Apparently, she was also shy, so I assume making fun of me was a way to “get out of her shell”. Good for her, I guess. Not so much for me.


The guy, James, was also smart. For whatever reason he was always looking at me. There was this asshole who sat behind me, usually talking shit about me like I was stupid or talking about my cheap shoes. James would be there, just looking at me, with this really annoying laugh. He reminded me of that one creature in return of the Jedi, who sat on or around Jabba the Hutt.


I guess I just accepted being called names. There was another girl, Latisha in another class,never ceased telling the person sitting behind her how stupid I was. It was as if she and others who picked on me wanted me to hear them. Like I said, I accepted this, but I did not like it, but I was never sure what to do.


The shooting took place on a Tuesday. I don't remember what I was watching, but whatever it was got interrupted by the news of the shooting. I'm not sure if I felt anything while watching it. I don't think I thought too much about it at the time. But that changed the next day at school. At the bus stop,I saw a girl look over at me and whisper something to another girl. No idea what it was. Maybe it was nothing to do with me I thought.


In my second period class the subject eventually changed from learning French to what happened the day before. Two guys Justin and Terry, who wore the mantle of “asshole” like a badge of honor, didn't miss a beat making idiotic jokes about Columbine. One of the speculations at the time was that the two shooters were part of some group called The trenchcoat mafia. This was later proven as false along with a bunch of other bullshit people assumed at the time. At one point, Terry, who standing over me started singing “trenchcoat mafia” over and over again. I hated the hell out of my peripheral vision because I could see this tall jackass pointing over my head as he kept singing his broken record song. Justin, who sat across the other side of class, joined in, laughing as his dipshit friend kept being a dipshit. Then the teacher asked what everyone thought of the victims, both Justin and Terry immediately said that they didn’t care as they didn’t know the people who died. On one hand, I kind of understood what they meant as sometimes it can be difficult to empathize with a tragedy if it didn’t affect you directly or personally. On the other hand, these two were just straight up disrespectful pieces of shit who didn’t care about how they treated others but somehow felt entitled to respect. There was this one time, about a month or so after the shootings where my French teacher just had this totally laid back class about I guess just being honest. Like things such as if you’re not feeling okay, say so instead of pretending you’re fine. For some reason, Justin, Terry and some other people weren’t in class that day. And with them not there, the teacher took that opportunity to vent about Justin and Terry. She talked about how disrespectful they were and just were very negative people. I remember thinking while it was great that she noticed them being assholes, it made me angry that she said all this pretty much in secret. Like, there was just nothing that could be done about it and it was okay for them to act the way they did.


Meanwhile, the rest of that school year was difficult for me. It seemed like at least once or twice a week, the topic of Columbine was being brought up. And maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad, but all that was ever really said was things like “but what if someone does that here?” or “ it’s always the quiet ones.” and then proceed to look at me, as if they were expecting me to prove them right or something. And that was what I hated which was you either had people who used the shooting to make dumbass jokes and others who seriously would look at you as if you would do this as well.


I’m sorry as I started writing this I was sure for a moment where I wanted to go with it, but then it just got to be very overwhelming. I’m sorry as this probably doesn’t make sense. I didn’t mean to sound selfish as I know I was not directly affected by what happened. But I hated how much stupidity and ignorance came out of this tragedy.
 
#2
I don't know too much about what led up to the Columbine shooting. I assume that bullying was a major part of it.

It seems like after events like this, there's a lot of talk about guns, or racism, but really not very much about bullying.

The irony here is that people like Terry then took the shooting as an excuse to ratchet up the bullying.

I wish there weren't so many total assholes in the world.

I'm sorry that you went through so much bullying @sadhart. It's really unfair that you have to deal with the consequences of other people deciding to act like that.
 

Nick

~☆Walker's Zombie duck☆~
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
I'm sorry you were treated that way by your classmates. Back then I dressed all in black and was a complete loner (not much has changed). After the shootings several people pointed and talked about me. I even got drug into the school counseling office and asked some questions. I had these thoughts of, do you really think that little of me? Do you really think I would do that? I guess you do.

It's hard looking back on some of those kinds of things. Trying to deal with them in the present. You don't sound selfish. The anniversary brings up a host of feeling for you, including how you were treated by you classmates in the aftermath. That's your experience and that's okay. I'm sorry it was so hard for you.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#4
Hi @sadhart - no need to be sorry, your thoughts and feelings are totally justified. I'm glad you had the opportunity to talk about it and get it out of your system.

I'm sorry that you went through this bullying - it sounds like it was hell to go through, and I respect how strong you are to be able to not react to it. Has the bullying stopped or is it still ongoing?

Sending hugs

Em
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#5
I don't know too much about what led up to the Columbine shooting. I assume that bullying was a major part of it.

It seems like after events like this, there's a lot of talk about guns, or racism, but really not very much about bullying.

The irony here is that people like Terry then took the shooting as an excuse to ratchet up the bullying.

I wish there weren't so many total assholes in the world.

I'm sorry that you went through so much bullying @sadhart. It's really unfair that you have to deal with the consequences of other people deciding to act like that.
When it comes to their motive, to me, it feels like it ranged from being bullied to just two people wanting to do something really awful, just because. What would make me angry is that "normal" people would talk about this incident as though a certain breed of human beings would only be capable of such an horrific act. It disgusted me that there were people who seriously thought it was perfectly normal being mean and ugly to someone who they deemed beneath them. The way some people would treat me, it was in a way that it was clear they were comfortable being an asshole and me not responding and on the few occasions that I did do so, then it was like they didn't know what to do. A very pushy woman once came into my life, calling me her assignment from God. She was pushy and overbearing and just was not a very good listener. Finally I had enough and ended up hanging up on her because I was sick of her talking about my life like she knew it better than I did.

We ended up talking months later and she said when I had hung up on her, she was unsure whether to call again because as she said it "I didn't want your blood on my hands." And that pissed me off because at one point, I opened up to her about contemplating whether i wanted to keep going on or not, only to be met with her chastising me and saying I was selfish. And I say all of this because this is the dumbass thinking of people in that they want to hurt people and not expect consequences. Of course, i don't mean to imply that those who were hurt or killed in the Columbine shootings deserved it, especially since I question if any of the people killed actually knew the shooters.

I'm sorry, because once again, I find myself rambling on like this and I don't think I made a good point.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#6
I'm sorry you were treated that way by your classmates. Back then I dressed all in black and was a complete loner (not much has changed). After the shootings several people pointed and talked about me. I even got drug into the school counseling office and asked some questions. I had these thoughts of, do you really think that little of me? Do you really think I would do that? I guess you do.

It's hard looking back on some of those kinds of things. Trying to deal with them in the present. You don't sound selfish. The anniversary brings up a host of feeling for you, including how you were treated by you classmates in the aftermath. That's your experience and that's okay. I'm sorry it was so hard for you.
I'm sorry about how you were treated. Unless someone flat out and blatantly states that they plan to hurt someone or others, I don't know what kind of fair level of profiling people can use to determine who would be capable of doing heinous acts like mass shootings. I don't know what people think unfairly judging someone is going to accomplish. And sometimes, as messed up as tis may sound, it feels like some people want someone they judge like that to something just for the sole reason of being right. Sorry if that didn't make sense. Again though, I'm sorry for what you had to deal with.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#7
Hi @sadhart - no need to be sorry, your thoughts and feelings are totally justified. I'm glad you had the opportunity to talk about it and get it out of your system.

I'm sorry that you went through this bullying - it sounds like it was hell to go through, and I respect how strong you are to be able to not react to it. Has the bullying stopped or is it still ongoing?

Sending hugs

Em
Well, no, not really, as it has been years since I have had to deal with being bullied at school. A few years ago, at my previous job, a group of workers were talking during some downtime. I was sitting away from them. I think I may have been writing in my journal or something, but i wasn't doing anything unusual. Somehow, I heard my name come up and tis one guy suddenly comments how something was wrong with me and that I look like one of those people tat would shoot up a place. I tried to keep calm but it really bothered me. Some weeks later he apologized, and i really wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but I just let it go....sort of. I just don't get why people say stupid shit like that. Like it was clear he wanted me to hear that and I can't imagine that he would have wanted me to do something horrible like that, because that makes no sense at all. And yet, I don't know wat kind of reaction people expect when they do stupid shit like that.

Anyway, sorry for going on a tangent like this.
 

EmB

Absolute Peach!
#8
Well, no, not really, as it has been years since I have had to deal with being bullied at school. A few years ago, at my previous job, a group of workers were talking during some downtime. I was sitting away from them. I think I may have been writing in my journal or something, but i wasn't doing anything unusual. Somehow, I heard my name come up and tis one guy suddenly comments how something was wrong with me and that I look like one of those people tat would shoot up a place. I tried to keep calm but it really bothered me. Some weeks later he apologized, and i really wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but I just let it go....sort of. I just don't get why people say stupid shit like that. Like it was clear he wanted me to hear that and I can't imagine that he would have wanted me to do something horrible like that, because that makes no sense at all. And yet, I don't know wat kind of reaction people expect when they do stupid shit like that.

Anyway, sorry for going on a tangent like this.
If you mean your thoughts and feelings aren't justified, I'll have to disagree with you there. Bullying has as many effects as any other kind of trauma, and it's natural that you still feel a lot of pain from it.

I think people pick targets who they don't think will react back, and make fun of them to either settle their own insecurities and make themselves feel better, or to make themselves look superior in front of their peers. Obviously there are a lot more reasons than that but in most cases it comes under those two as well. I know that doesn't make the things said or done any easier to manage, and by no way does it make their actions right, it just allows us to at least try to understand and see that we aren't the problem. I wasnt bullied, but I wasnt liked at school, and it was pretty isolating. I think finding a group of people who care about you and who have the right idea of what matters is important. I'm lucky enough to have a few people who see past the things that most people stay away from me because of, and surrounding yourself with positivity and love can only help you feel better. Those people who were shit to you don't even know you very well. Their opinion, as much as it may hurt, doesn't matter. And you have to try and put a wall between the things they've said and you.

Never be sorry for the tangent! We are here to listen to everything :)

Sending hugs

Em
 
#9
No need to be sorry. And, I'm glad you're getting this out. People in general, can be assholes. I grew up being bullied before it was such a big issue now. One thing you have to remember. Be who you're comfortable with, regardless of what anyone thinks. Others don't walk in your shoes. And, know one knows what others think. What happened at Columbine was tragic. And, anyone who makes light of it, needs counseling. That goes for any mass incidents. As far as now now. Some people will make off handed remarks to see if they can get a reaction from you. Don't fall for it. Because, the best way to come back is to say nothing at all. That, itself irks them to no end. You're more than them. Way more. And, I wish good things for you.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#10
I remember that day. Was also a High School student as well @sadhart way out in the midwest . Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold did what I have thought about doing few times in my madeup world in my head when I was angry. I was horrified at myself even thinking of it seeing the aftermath in real life parents sobbing etc Dylans mom and dad got me the most. Didnt say anything to any living soul what existed in my mind until now. That summer afterwards high school installed no coats in class policy. That pissed me off to no end. That starter winter jacket I had was my security blanket. It was gone.

I remember that shooting too well it was the-bad-things-in-my-life catalyst IMO into the world I grew up in that was no longer there. As September 11th was 2ish years later.

It sucked.
 
#11
I'm sorry, because once again, I find myself rambling on like this and I don't think I made a good point
Sometimes it's more important to express things the way you want to than to apply an ordered reason. I see no fault in what you wrote. Please don't worry.

I think you made a good point about the way some people, and society in general, marginalizes and blames people who are suffering or struggling in some way.
 

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