Its been almost 1 1/5 years since you died. But i close my eyes and imagine you here, holding your cup of coffee. You came in to my life when i was 4 years old. I looked up to you, you were my role model. Then i start getting older, and you and my mom got a child together. I always told myself that you liked me just as much as you liked your biological child. I dont know when it happened, you just started acting different, distant, cold. Then one day you got diagnosed with cancer, melanoma. That fucked me up a bit. You and my mom were fighting all the time, and my mind was in a dark place. I started smoking and selfharming. When my mom saw it she told me to stop. Very efficient right?! She didnt even think to ask why or if I needed help. And you? You used to care about me, you never even asked why or got angry about it. Like it didn’t bother you that i was in a bad place. Later that year you got diagnosed with brain tumours. You were so sick from all the chemo.. all you did was lay in bed. The times when you felt better, you didn’t bother to interact with me, but you treated my sister (his biological daughter) like a princess and you did everything for her. For that i am happy, that gave her good memories with your good side. Theres two particular days that I remember: that day when you made dinner for us three and took your plate and hers, and sat by the living room, you didn’t even want to sit with me. The other day was when we were at the hospital and you laid on the bed, and my mom and my sister laid beside you. I just sat on a chair by the corner and felt like an outsider. All i wanted was for you to care about me, but you only made me feel like a burden. You damaged me. I didn’t realise until a few days ago, but ive been ruining my relationships with family and friends, because I’m scared that my love is too much, and that I’m unwanted. So i always pull away, I don’t ever want to feel like you made me feel again. As if i “need” someone and they don’t even want me back. I feel foolish and stupid. And here i am, crying, ill never know if your change of behaviour was because of the brain tumour or just because you never liked me. Life just isn’t same anymore. The year you died I started getting anxiety, and this summer i started getting anxiety attacks. I get these moments where i feel like nothings real and that im in a dream, and this feeling just doesn’t go away. You were the one that i came to for advice, and now i always feel lost.