Empathy and Advice Welcomed Struggling Spiritually and Mentally

[GreenLightFreefall]

It’s been a good while since I have been on this site and posted. I felt like refraining from all social media has helped me a bit. And my new relationship of 2 almost 3 years has as well.

I’ve met someone who has drastically taken a turn for my life for the better, she’s made me happier than I can ever think I’d see myself in a very long time, she was very supportive of me and always pushed me towards my dreams and helped me out in any way I could.

The part where I’ve met my biggest challenges is last year my brother passed away and we were allowing a coworker of mine and his family to stay with us for over 8 months because they sold their house in order to PCS to Japan, long story short my wife was drinking with my coworker’s wife and they were having a great time which I was happy for. I was supposed to fly out the day after but suddenly my wife got sick, she was throwing up so I helped her to the bathroom so she can throw up, I went back to finishing my match on my game to keep my mind preoccupied about flying out to my brother’s funeral. As soon as my match was finished I went to check on my wife and seen she had tried committing suicide. I immediately went to performing first aid to where I then get authorities called to try and assist her.

After arriving to the hospital we come to the discovery that her PTSD from the military was a factor in what happened and her mind blocked off her memories to where she forgot who I was, who her parents are, her friends, and other daily functions. From then I stayed with her to help assist her with trying to regain her memories and helping her relearn daily life functions as well as helping her learn about her past friends and family when possible.

My unit has been pretty helpful with the whole situation and they have done checkins time to time on me to see how I’m affected or feeling. But truth be told I have been feeling numb since the whole ordeal.

Fast forward almost a year and I’m at the field and I come back home to find out my wife has been talking to her ex in secret during the 3 day duration I’ve been gone. I ask why she hid it and what I’ve done wrong and she says she has no reasonings for it. I confronted her about it as soon as I found out but by that time she was in Canada with her sister and it seems like she didn't really care about how it made me feel, nor did she even try to explain herself the time that she was gone.

As soon as she got back home we talked about it some more and it feels like she’s still lying because her story has too many plot holes in it, I’m trying my hardest to be forgiving but I feel like I'm mentally getting eaten away at and I’ve feel so disconnected from God. I’ve been using the gym as an outlet for myself but i feel the doubt filling my head. I dont know what to do, I dont know why this keeps happening to me. I try my best to be the best person I can for others but I feel no matter what I end up getting used. She says she is very remorseful for what she did and that it would never happen again, and even if it’s nothing physical she did the emotional cheating which is still hurting me deeply.

It’s just too confusing to me now. The person that I feel held me together is the one I never expected to hurt me so bad, I know I can always go to her still but it feels like she’s a whole new person to me now. It feels like I never really knew her, it feels like I’m back at the talking stage to where I’ve first met someone.

I’ve been wanting to go to church more to try and get myself spiritually healed, but I feel like I’m not good enough even for that. I know a lot of people say the biggest thing is loving yourself but I find it very hard to do when I feel like the one person I put on a pedestal in my life doesn't feel like they view me with any type of value. I feel worthless and broken. I just don’t know what to do or say anymore.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you've been going through this.

I ask why she hid it and what I’ve done wrong and she says she has no reasonings for it.

If I had to guess, I'd say there's probably some reason for it that she's reluctant to tell you about. Either something that she's unhappy about, or it just has to do with her own psychology.

Do you feel like this is something you'll be able to work out or not?

I dont know why this keeps happening to me. I try my best to be the best person I can for others but I feel no matter what I end up getting used

The irony is that people who try to be the best person that they can for others are more likely to get used, not less. The reason for that is that people typically don't make decisions about how to treat others based on what the other person deserves, but rather what they feel like doing and what consequences they think there might be for themselves.

If a dog is always loving, loyal, and forgiving, it's going to be more likely to get kicked not less, not because it did something wrong, but rather because the one who kicks it knows there won't be any negative consequences for themselves. Some people are only going to respect those that they fear. For some people, signs that you're nice are signs that you'll make an easy target.

feel so disconnected from God

What's making you feel disconnected from God?

I’ve been wanting to go to church more to try and get myself spiritually healed, but I feel like I’m not good enough even for that

If you'd like to go to church, I hope you will. You're certainly good enough to go to church.

There might be some ways you can boost your self esteem, both for it's own sake and so that you'll be able to go to church.

 

[GreenLightFreefall]

“

”I'm sorry you've been going through this.

Do you feel like this is something you'll be able to work out or not?”

“The irony is that people who try to be the best person that they can for others are more likely to get used, not less. The reason for that is that people typically don't make decisions about how to treat others based on what the other person deserves, but rather what they feel like doing and what consequences they think there might be for themselves.

If a dog is always loving, loyal, and forgiving, it's going to be more likely to get kicked not less, not because it did something wrong, but rather because the one who kicks it knows there won't be any negative consequences for themselves. Some people are only going to respect those that they fear. For some people, signs that you're nice are signs that you'll make an easy target.

What's making you feel disconnected from God?”

“If you'd like to go to church, I hope you will. You're certainly good enough to go to church.

There might be some ways you can boost your self esteem, both for it's own sake and so that you'll be able to go to church.

”


I currently am trying to work things out but nothing feels the same anymore, I can’t even look at her the same anymore. Sometime when I look at her it’s with love and then other times it’s with disgust. I’m trying to forgive her, but then there’s constant reminders that either remind me of those actions and make me question her or my own worth.

I want to go to church to further make myself more spiritual and more connected because I feel I am straying now. I just feel like it’s contradictory for me only to go because of the stuff going on in my life.

I feel disconnected from God because now I just feel like only focusing on myself and my own happiness. Focusing on making myself happy. Focusing on only my best interests, and I feel that it’s selfish of me and I feel like it’s causing me to stray from my own path.

 

[Lara_C]

In this situation , it's not selfish to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. She betrayed you and the onus is on her to do the heavy lifting to try to restore your trust in her. I don't think that can happen without total honesty on her part because without that you might never stop thinking she might be hiding more than what she's told you. She also doesn't seem to fully understand the damage done to your relationship, how deeply it's affected you. Have you thought about going to couples counselling and would she be open to that to try to save your relationship? If she's not willing, I'd take it as a big red flag

 

[may71]

I just feel like it’s contradictory for me only to go because of the stuff going on in my life

It's common for people to seek out spirituality when they are in need. There's nothing wrong with that.

Doing something good is always good. If you know that you want to go to church, please don't doubt yourself. If you don't actually want to go to church, that's another question.

Focusing on only my best interests, and I feel that it’s selfish of me and I feel like it’s causing me to stray from my own path

Serving the greater good is wonderful, but it's only something you should do if you can do it without bringing yourself down.

In order to help others, you have to get yourself into a position where you can do that sustainably.