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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
I’m not sure right now. I’m basically too lazy to worry about it. I’m back in the place where if I had fatal means lying on my desk, I’d be in a bad place. But I’m not going to the effort of procuring such means.
I saw a movie trailer for a 2018 movie with Bruce Campbell, who I love because all his stuff that I have seen (evil dead, Brisco County, Jr, and Burn Notice) is excellent.
The trailer has a lot of violence, Tarantino style, and honestly I am fantasizing about a murder spree, but strictly against the abusive staff that get their jollies being cruel to mental patients because they are so worthless that they can’t get a better job than babysitting crazy people.
I saw a movie trailer for a 2018 movie with Bruce Campbell, who I love because all his stuff that I have seen (evil dead, Brisco County, Jr, and Burn Notice) is excellent.
The trailer has a lot of violence, Tarantino style, and honestly I am fantasizing about a murder spree, but strictly against the abusive staff that get their jollies being cruel to mental patients because they are so worthless that they can’t get a better job than babysitting crazy people.
I continue to suffer suicidal ideation, suicidal impulses/urges/pushes from alters inside, feelings of desperation/angst, & flashbacks/body memories from my ab*se. I have a session with my clinical psychologist at 5:00 pm. She knows I'm in crisis. I'm afraid she'll want to hospitalize me for my safety. I have no one to take care of my 12-year-old kitty. So, that's not an option. This is so incredibly hard. Beyond.
I was perhaps not entirely serious when I said that. Since writing that I've made what might be a half step forward. He, the person in question, gets a lot less of my attention. I'm following an old truism from my granpa: the quickest way to kill someone is to ignore them. Metaphorically speaking of course, I am not going to go over there irl and take him out.
I get that. I have a plan & method in place, too. I'm trying distraction like taking a walk, taking a bubble bath, a little shopping on Amazon. My psychologist is almost done her webinar on Internal Family Systems, & then she meets with me at 5 o'clock. Supporting you the best I can considering how I'm feeling which is crappy.
Me too. I mean, it could have been worse, but very little has gone as it should have.
I have a curse where every single non-trivial business transaction that I am a customer on ends up getting stuck in some way. Today it was a prescription refill from Tuesday that went into a black hole, an insurance claim that got denied in May but nobody told me so I was sitting around waiting 3 months before I called them (40 min phone call), My Lyft app is making me re-log in every 7 hours, and the garage door motion sensor that needs to be triggered to get into my apartment complex parking garage is broken, but they keep saying to make sure you're over to the right side. I frickin tried that and it's still working about 50% of the time, day or night.So - yeah, first world problems but so what - why can't I just die if the universe hates me that much?
I have a curse where every single non-trivial business transaction that I am a customer on ends up getting stuck in some way. Today it was a prescription refill from Tuesday that went into a black hole, an insurance claim that got denied in May but nobody told me so I was sitting around waiting 3 months before I called them (40 min phone call), My Lyft app is making me re-log in every 7 hours, and the garage door motion sensor that needs to be triggered to get into my apartment complex parking garage is broken, but they keep saying to make sure you're over to the right side. I frickin tried that and it's still working about 50% of the time, day or night.So - yeah, first world problems but so what - why can't I just die if the universe hates me that much?
I continue to suffer suicidal ideation, suicidal impulses/urges/pushes from alters inside, feelings of desperation/angst, & flashbacks/body memories from my ab*se. I have a session with my clinical psychologist at 5:00 pm. She knows I'm in crisis. I'm afraid she'll want to hospitalize me for my safety. I have no one to take care of my 12-year-old kitty. So, that's not an option. This is so incredibly hard. Beyond.
Lesson learned - research a facility beforehand and don't trust the facility website because they are trying to make money, not help patients. Read Google and Yelp reviews and any other site you can find that hospitals can't pay to manipulate. They have no financial incentive to make you happy with your treatment. All they need is authorization from your insurance plan to get their money and you will be held whether it makes sense or not for every single day they can wring out of your insurance plan. Therefore at all points where profitability concerns conflict with patient quality of care, the patient loses. This shows up as unclean facilities, food served at unsafe temperatures, and a staff to patient ratio that a medical (non-behavioral health) ER would get sued out of existence if they did that. Also the staff hate their jobs and are only too happy to take it out on the patients because we're just crazies in their eyes and they resent having to babysit us. Sorry about the rant but I wish to god and all the saints and angels that someone had told me this before I made the biggest mistake of my adult life!
Neither was I. That's my tongue in cheek humor that doesn't quite go over so well online. 
Anyway, if you want to give me a free trip to NZ I am still up for that!
Anyway, if you want to give me a free trip to NZ I am still up for that!
I don't know how it is for you, but irl some don't seem to appreciate my efforts. 🥲😁
today's been hard--I've just felt very emotionally overwhelmed, and I feel guilty because it makes it harder to interact with my family and I feel like deep down they must be exhausted because I'm always struggling. I'm just scared things will always feel like this much of a struggle, even though I know logically that it probably won't stay exactly like this forever.