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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
Yes. Finally, again. This lifeseed likely really only does live once, across all time, in all universes.
In which case, I need to kill myself twenty-five years ago, let alone today. I have thought to myself that eventual punishment, in this life and afterward, will even debts and let me try again from the beginning. But for me, who I suspect maybe has no soul, unlike most people, all my biddings, my holding out for there being another try to life, the only lasting intrinsic reason I have had and been applying for choosing to stay alive, might be naught- for me. I messed up so much. I wasted everything. I'm likely already too fargone, and have likely already trhown away my chance to be worthy of notice, mercy, or favors... leaving me at the mercy of secular subatomic particles and laws of physics, which likely do not know or care what I want.
I've had lapses in belief like this before, where I plugged the gap with belief that I should still hold on and bear pain for the principle-of-punishment's sake. However, this time, because there's supposedly no point to bearing the pain or punishment, I'm admitting to myself, for the first time- at least, since I've adopted this hold-out-for-the-retry mindset- that instead of bearing through punishment anyway on principle, I might want to just end it and "enjoy" the peace. This is because instead of it being more direct "pain", it's humiliation of my wrongchoices, wrongdoings, and mediocrity. THOSE I do wrestle with so often, but something's different this time; although I hate the thought of never living again or getting to atone or try the same situations and make better choices again, a silver lining is that if I'll be dead forever, I'd like to (in addition to the usual reasons) be liberated in the nonexistence from these humiliations and soilings.
Still, I hold on. My intrinsic reason is shot. But I have extrinsic reason. Kin.
Mom and I talk, and she's told me, multiple times and each with unique shade of meaning, that she would hurt very badly if I went. My sister... I begin to think I'd be a liability instead of a help to her in "later" life, but for now I'm sometimes useful to her and she's expressed that when I hurt myself it hurts her; I infer that for me to die now would be bad for her.
Dad and I aren't as close as in my own decade. However, he has given much to render the fortune I'm among. Despite how often he- rightfully- has gotten angry at me since, and the rift between us, I infer it would hurt him for me to suddenly die.
And as for bringing it up with hiem all for me to start wrapping up life business toward the goal of me, in fact, leaving, Mom herself has outright told me she'll call mental health/intervention services to stop me; and all three would likely be newly woestruck, for me to tell hiem that I mean to do it.
And sadness like that wouldn't, and doesn't, come from nowhere.
I hold on. But it is in pain.
In which case, I need to kill myself twenty-five years ago, let alone today. I have thought to myself that eventual punishment, in this life and afterward, will even debts and let me try again from the beginning. But for me, who I suspect maybe has no soul, unlike most people, all my biddings, my holding out for there being another try to life, the only lasting intrinsic reason I have had and been applying for choosing to stay alive, might be naught- for me. I messed up so much. I wasted everything. I'm likely already too fargone, and have likely already trhown away my chance to be worthy of notice, mercy, or favors... leaving me at the mercy of secular subatomic particles and laws of physics, which likely do not know or care what I want.
I've had lapses in belief like this before, where I plugged the gap with belief that I should still hold on and bear pain for the principle-of-punishment's sake. However, this time, because there's supposedly no point to bearing the pain or punishment, I'm admitting to myself, for the first time- at least, since I've adopted this hold-out-for-the-retry mindset- that instead of bearing through punishment anyway on principle, I might want to just end it and "enjoy" the peace. This is because instead of it being more direct "pain", it's humiliation of my wrongchoices, wrongdoings, and mediocrity. THOSE I do wrestle with so often, but something's different this time; although I hate the thought of never living again or getting to atone or try the same situations and make better choices again, a silver lining is that if I'll be dead forever, I'd like to (in addition to the usual reasons) be liberated in the nonexistence from these humiliations and soilings.
Still, I hold on. My intrinsic reason is shot. But I have extrinsic reason. Kin.
Mom and I talk, and she's told me, multiple times and each with unique shade of meaning, that she would hurt very badly if I went. My sister... I begin to think I'd be a liability instead of a help to her in "later" life, but for now I'm sometimes useful to her and she's expressed that when I hurt myself it hurts her; I infer that for me to die now would be bad for her.
Dad and I aren't as close as in my own decade. However, he has given much to render the fortune I'm among. Despite how often he- rightfully- has gotten angry at me since, and the rift between us, I infer it would hurt him for me to suddenly die.
And as for bringing it up with hiem all for me to start wrapping up life business toward the goal of me, in fact, leaving, Mom herself has outright told me she'll call mental health/intervention services to stop me; and all three would likely be newly woestruck, for me to tell hiem that I mean to do it.
And sadness like that wouldn't, and doesn't, come from nowhere.
I hold on. But it is in pain.
give and receive 🌙thank you