Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?

[Inastorm]

Had a major traumatic event last halloween, which was a complete horror show for me and my friend. That was the beginning of the end, where i miss them so much and wish they could mind read and see im a decent person.
I off from work today and in town where they have all the halloween posters in the shop windows, just makes me feel so bad and i want to die. Im also feeling sorry for myself as ive always tried really hard to do the right things in lfe and be a decent person.

 

[LumberJack]

Not today, so far. I know it’s a cheesy saying, but I am experimenting with the idea that I could change after I accept where I’m at presently. I’ve found out that the opposite sure as hell ain’t working.

 

[AvidFan]

Very much so. I can't see many other options open to me to stop what has become constant torture. My life is relentless pain, torment, problems, fatigue, anxiety, I just don't see the point of surviving any more.

 

[cev77]

The thoughts are in the back of my mind. I’m trying to keep them from coming more forward, but it‘s hard.

 

[AvidFan]

Not today, thankfully

 

[Windhover]

no

 

[Harrow]

Yes. A lot to be honest

 

[AmberMarie]

Yes! i am desperately looking for all the means i had about the house. Somehow, they have all disappeared, however, i don't want to ask about them for fear that they haven't and i just forgotten where i put them, or let others know about them.

 

[Bergerac]

Yes. A lot to be honest

Sending you lots of love. <3

 

[mosaic hearts]

Struggling with suicidal thoughts, urges/impulses, &.feelings of desperation for many weeks now. Triggered by in work stress, imcreased C-PTSD & DID symptoms due to traumatic anniversary reactions. Went back to work full-time last week. It's hard, coping with that with everything that's going on. Using a lot of energy to cover up how I'm feeling so I don't get found out & fired,

 

[Rocky Point]

It's always on the menu...

 

[Windhover]

Yes! i am desperately looking for all the means i had about the house. Somehow, they have all disappeared, however, i don't want to ask about them for fear that they haven't and i just forgotten where i put them, or let others know about them.

I hope today feels more calm and hopeful, with less need to control the whereabouts of means.

 

[AmberMarie]

I hope today feels more calm and hopeful, with less need to control the whereabouts of means.

i wish i could say it has been.

 

[Windhover]

no, just, you know, in unhealthy relationship to it if this was a venn diagram of overlapping data sets. Which means being utterly lost

 

[may71]

Sending hugs to anyone who would like hugs

 

[LumberJack]

No, not at the moment. I am feeling like puttering around writing posts online (here and elsewhere) instead of doing anything productive. So I am going to get back to the work of processing some of the things that are on my plate right now.

 

[mosaic hearts]

Shamefully, yes. It's really all too much now.

 

[LumberJack]

No, but I am looking forward to death. I think suicidality is more of an aversion to life than truly wanting to die. I think it’s also too frequently due to internalized criticism that tells us constantly we are not good enough. We start to believe it and layer onto ourselves. At least I did.

I’m learning lately that this is against an arbitrary standard. Who cares if I am not as charismatic as Steve Jobs or as sexy as Ricky Martin? I would rather be someone Ricky Martin finds sexy, lol! I don’t have to be the best or have the most. I look at the people who are, and they seem to be miserable and desperately insecure. Even successful people still think they don’t have enough when they already control hundreds of billions of dollars.

So why would I be looking forward to death? I am hurting. I seem to have lost my ability to wall off the chronic loneliness that has characterized my existence as long as I can remember. There was a break starting in college and continued through the duration of my relationship with the love of my life.

But, I don’t have to be pain free all the time. I would rather die, but I can also live. I might hurt less if I don’t give any credence to the standards of others. I know I feel better when I focus on people outside of my head. So I aspire to try that out and see. I’m here, so I might as well make the best of it.

 

[Windhover]

For a few minutes today yes. Otherwise I've kept my attention busy with work and chores.

 

[may71]

Shamefully, yes

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I wish you were feeling better though.