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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?

Yes. I pushing into my memories I have uncovered memory of when I played nice with my abuser, years after he'd abused me.

And the abuse wasn't even acutely in my mind. SLAUGHTER ME!!! SLAUGHTERME!! SLAUGHTERME!!

Compartmentalization. That's the word. All my life I've compartmentalized and I've empowered evil and tried to be freinds with the disgusting after they defiled me for it. So fucking stupid. The mods would edit htis comment if I would get more specific, but for fuck's sake, I'm idiot. I'm tbhe reason evil thrives. JUST KILL ME!!!

This sigust-disgustingness I feel, it's overwelming me. I can't think, or type. I am lonely. I bear this alone. Maybe that's justice.
 
How many other victims has he taken, because I pushed what he did, what I let him do, into a file cabinet deep in my brain and threw away the key?! How much possible healing did I throw away because I never spoke up, originally because I kept it a secret, but then because I made myself literally never remember (until years after?)

MOM! DAD! SISTER! STOP LOVING ME! I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO END THIS! STOP! STOP! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

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