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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
I know, I help people when I can, volunteer to help out and try to find things I can do that help me keep my mind off of things, thanks, Lumberjack. It's just that, as I get older and see people half my age going off into the world seemingly happy as clams? Or see the way world is for people like us?
It gets harder and harder to stay.
It gets harder and harder to stay.
I was gonna start HRT. I was making plans for how i was gonna start it. I was completely ready for it, at last. It was so close. Then it all got ripped away from me in one agonisingly pragmatic conversation. And i just don't know how to keep picking myself up from having my basic happiness and existence as my actual self deferred like this, until i fight my way through a system that basically views me as worthless trash. I can't even throw my inheritance at the problem. It's just unfixable. I wanna just stop fighting, lie down and die so badly rn. There's no winning against this system. It's all so fucking pointless.
I woke up with a thought in my head. Since my suicidal thoughts are constantly in the background, it's the first cognition I am aware of when I wake up. The thought I had is that I don't want to kms.
I want to stop hurting, and since people are so fked up (both me and others) the only way I see to alleviate my pain is to exit this species.
I sometimes have problems relating to other people on this site. I've mentioned this before, and it's still true, that I have way more to be grateful for than to say my life is pain. When people are here talking about actual problems, I'm jealous. I imagine that if it's X that is causing them to feel like destroying their bodies, then removing X would restore them to being able to value their own survival. This is probably false, now that I mention it, though. It's more about my own frustration in having gone from having nothing to everything and back again, while wishing I had never been born the entire fking time. I have nothing to complain about. I have had far better luck than most, and way more than I deserve.
Despite this I have to be intentional about keeping away from dangerous things because I know what I would do if I were alone with one. I'm lost. Sometimes I feel rational, other times I feel crazy, at still other times I feel like we are the truly healthy ones, while the normies are just too insensitive to notice that the way we are living as a species is creating untold misery for both us and all other life on the planet.
My brain is running all over the place. It's not going back and forth. It's doing figure-8s around a Mobius strip ffs
I want to stop hurting, and since people are so fked up (both me and others) the only way I see to alleviate my pain is to exit this species.
I sometimes have problems relating to other people on this site. I've mentioned this before, and it's still true, that I have way more to be grateful for than to say my life is pain. When people are here talking about actual problems, I'm jealous. I imagine that if it's X that is causing them to feel like destroying their bodies, then removing X would restore them to being able to value their own survival. This is probably false, now that I mention it, though. It's more about my own frustration in having gone from having nothing to everything and back again, while wishing I had never been born the entire fking time. I have nothing to complain about. I have had far better luck than most, and way more than I deserve.
Despite this I have to be intentional about keeping away from dangerous things because I know what I would do if I were alone with one. I'm lost. Sometimes I feel rational, other times I feel crazy, at still other times I feel like we are the truly healthy ones, while the normies are just too insensitive to notice that the way we are living as a species is creating untold misery for both us and all other life on the planet.
My brain is running all over the place. It's not going back and forth. It's doing figure-8s around a Mobius strip ffs
I am sorry you are alone, I thought you were with your boyfriend in therapy today and having friends over to your house? I'm confused I guess. I'm sorry you have to have brain scans. Are you ill @JanisSPK? 
The friends that came over are a couple that came to look at the house last night that I thought I would be selling. They own the salon I use and Candie does my hair. She colored it blue and purple today along with keeping it mostly red.
The therapy session was online and a single invitation from my therapist if the bf chose to accept a session he is in Washington as I am still in Texas
I went to dinner with a couple of friends at one of these persons’s houses last Wednesday. And we will meet this coming Wednesday evening again for a dinner. It’s lovely to have this is start to happen. As well as the pool party I had here a couple of weeks agowith some other women known and unknown to me. We started something and decides to have it monthly or so and go to each others houses and it is also a wonderful thing, hoping it will last for a women gathering of 7-10 ladies to keep it cozy and free feeling to be able to share and connect.
After the realtors came over this morning and gave input (I know and trust them) I truly realized what an immense and overwhelmingly job it is for me to do alone and move cross country. And the bf who has been gone less than 2 weeks and moved in with his daughter and grandkids will not hear me that I need help so this doesn’t take 3-4 months. He wants to start and have a new beginning for us but for several reasons it is coming across that he is restarting his life and making decisions that have nothing to do with “us”. There’s more of course but that’s enough for now
It feels like it’s basically over regardless of words said. It’s action that has meaning. Words can have pretty meanings and sound good. And sometime they are just words. Especially if the person thinks that words are enough but there’s nothing really occuring to build or create a firmer stronger foundation. Etc etc
THANK YOU FOR ASKING, it means a lot to me for the support and care. I may have confused you more….i hope not
hugs
yes. my chronic pain and depression had abated for about 2 weeks maybe closer to a month, then just like always they've returned. I didn't think I was rid of them but thought they might be lessened at least when they did return. I was starting to look for a job or some volunteer work, but I don't have that kind of energy anymore. I can barely do basic hobbies so I'm not bed rotting all day which granted is an improvement compared to 3 years ago. Honestly, if it wasn't for my anxious animals, I would have by now.
Yes. I am feces. I am waste. I am filth. I ruined this.
If Mom + Dad + Sister would each tell me, and then maintain, that they're done with me, that they don't love me - or at least don't want me around - anymore, that they'll be atleast fine, without me... I could do it. I really could. I feel like I want to. I feel like I can.
If Mom + Dad + Sister would each tell me, and then maintain, that they're done with me, that they don't love me - or at least don't want me around - anymore, that they'll be atleast fine, without me... I could do it. I really could. I feel like I want to. I feel like I can.
I think the word seemingly there is doing enormous heavy lifting. Which is to say that people promote only the good things about their lives, their successes, and never their misery nor failure. That's why I come here more often than I log on to FB. We can be honest here, there is no "personal branding" by which we are trying to audition for a better job or whatever.
I have examples from my own life where I looked a hell of a lot better on the outside than I felt inside. It's through therapy and dedicated meditation practice that I learned that we are all fucked up, severely, just in different ways. At the same time, I still compare myself to others; I just know it's a fool's errand now when I do sol, lol. So it's very human to look at others and see an image that looks perfect, but it's also very human to try and maintain appearances on the outside while one is falling apart on the inside.
I don't have the power to alleviate your pain. If I did, I would do so for everyone on this site. What I can do is reflect on it, and cultivate habits and views that recognize and let go of what I call second-order pain. The first-order pain is when life is shit. This is naturally cause for sadness, hurt, and anger. The second order pain arises when I expect to not have shitty things happen in my life. They always happen to everyone, regardless of wealth or status. So, since "happiness" is unattainable, what I've been moving toward lately is to find little moments of joy amidst the chaos.
I might be kicking the can down the road, but it's definitely been easier to get up in the morning when I'm doing something that feels fulfilling, for example my volunteer work with the horses (okay and also the people but it's really about the horses for me, lol). When the familiar darkness of despair starts to roll in, I call up images of what moments of joy I can extract from a painful existence. It's kind of like learning a skill, but the skill is to put the problems down for a minute or many minutes to do something that nobody is coercing us to do. Maybe there's a better way, but this is where I am today.
I have examples from my own life where I looked a hell of a lot better on the outside than I felt inside. It's through therapy and dedicated meditation practice that I learned that we are all fucked up, severely, just in different ways. At the same time, I still compare myself to others; I just know it's a fool's errand now when I do sol, lol. So it's very human to look at others and see an image that looks perfect, but it's also very human to try and maintain appearances on the outside while one is falling apart on the inside.
I don't have the power to alleviate your pain. If I did, I would do so for everyone on this site. What I can do is reflect on it, and cultivate habits and views that recognize and let go of what I call second-order pain. The first-order pain is when life is shit. This is naturally cause for sadness, hurt, and anger. The second order pain arises when I expect to not have shitty things happen in my life. They always happen to everyone, regardless of wealth or status. So, since "happiness" is unattainable, what I've been moving toward lately is to find little moments of joy amidst the chaos.
I might be kicking the can down the road, but it's definitely been easier to get up in the morning when I'm doing something that feels fulfilling, for example my volunteer work with the horses (okay and also the people but it's really about the horses for me, lol). When the familiar darkness of despair starts to roll in, I call up images of what moments of joy I can extract from a painful existence. It's kind of like learning a skill, but the skill is to put the problems down for a minute or many minutes to do something that nobody is coercing us to do. Maybe there's a better way, but this is where I am today.
Yes. I am approaching my 49th birthday and the closer I get to 50, the more I’m thinking that I won’t make it.
I have tools to manage it, but the current obstacle is that I don’t want to. I feel like I’m lost at sea and don’t know where I am. Going in any direction might bring me closer to land or even further away. I am probably going to feel better (at least not as miserable), in a couple hours, so I’m going to try and ride it out. In the meantime, though, I can’t help imagining what it would be like to give up entirely, and it seems like such a relief.
Dory the fish relies on her mantra of “just keep swimming…” She is a fish, though. A human being cannot just keep swimming because eventually our arms give out. I’m thinking of ways to explain this to my friends and family before I go. If nothing else it will help me to clarify whatever it is that seems to pull me back down every time I start to feel better.
I have tools to manage it, but the current obstacle is that I don’t want to. I feel like I’m lost at sea and don’t know where I am. Going in any direction might bring me closer to land or even further away. I am probably going to feel better (at least not as miserable), in a couple hours, so I’m going to try and ride it out. In the meantime, though, I can’t help imagining what it would be like to give up entirely, and it seems like such a relief.
Dory the fish relies on her mantra of “just keep swimming…” She is a fish, though. A human being cannot just keep swimming because eventually our arms give out. I’m thinking of ways to explain this to my friends and family before I go. If nothing else it will help me to clarify whatever it is that seems to pull me back down every time I start to feel better.