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Suicidal Thoughts - Are you Feeling Suicidal Today?
- Thread starter Petal
- Start date
Yes. I can't help thinking about how many things I've tried but I keep on failing at. I've been written up at work so many times for getting frustrated and muttering under my breath that I've been told that it's pretty much not if but when I'm gonna be fired. I can't keep a job to save my life. I just know I'm destined to be homeless and a complete fuck-up no matter what I try
It's been more work lately to resist the urges. I have been reaching out to family more, though. I do feel better when I call someone. I don't mention the fact that I'd rather die than wake up one more time, but we just talk about whatever is happening that day and I love them, they love me back, so I have that to support me.
I am not in favor of suicide. I'm trying this hard to stop going down this path because of this. When things get increasingly less hopeful over time, though, it's impossible for me to lose the awareness that it sure would be easier to not have to compete for scraps in this culture.
I am not in favor of suicide. I'm trying this hard to stop going down this path because of this. When things get increasingly less hopeful over time, though, it's impossible for me to lose the awareness that it sure would be easier to not have to compete for scraps in this culture.
Grrr. Itās getting worse fast. I am lost in my own head, but it might as well be outer space for how disoriented I feel. I want out. More than anything right now. If I could have only one wish, it would be for my loved ones to understand how I feel so that they could be at peace with me after my exit.
Then again, according to the fables, wishing for the world to be better has a nasty tendency to backfire. End world hunger, now you have a population explosion and everyone is hungry. Stuff like that.
Itās not disorienting in terms of confusion, but rather that I am fully so deep in the abstract that concepts of up/down or any directionality are not online.
Which makes it impossible to know what direction to move toward. I guess I have no option but to endure it.
Then again, according to the fables, wishing for the world to be better has a nasty tendency to backfire. End world hunger, now you have a population explosion and everyone is hungry. Stuff like that.
Itās not disorienting in terms of confusion, but rather that I am fully so deep in the abstract that concepts of up/down or any directionality are not online.
Which makes it impossible to know what direction to move toward. I guess I have no option but to endure it.
Yes
Some days, being alive feels like a job I never signed up for. My anxiety suffocates me in ways I can barely explain, like invisible hands tightening around my chest, stealing my breath and turning even the simplest thoughts into a maze I can't find my way out of. My mind never shuts up. There are so many thoughts, so many fears, so many terrible possibilities running through my head that sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in my own mind.
The worst part is that the world doesn't stop just because I'm falling apart. The sun comes up, people go to work, talk, laugh, and carry on with their lives, and I do the same because that's what I'm supposed to do. I get up, do what needs to be done, answer when someone talks to me, and try to look normal while carrying an exhaustion that even sleep can't fix. It's a strange feeling, being everywhere physically but feeling like I'm slowly disappearing inside.
Today, the thought of not existing feels like a desperate attempt to find some silence. Maybe it's not even that I can explain exactly what I'm feeling. I'm just tired of feeling everything so intensely. Tired of fighting a mind that never seems to be on my side. Tired of trying to find peace somewhere inside myself when even the silence feels deafening.
And maybe that's what hurts the most. Not knowing what I need, only knowing that carrying all of this is getting harder. I wish I could take a break from my own thoughts, exist for a few hours without this constant weight on my chest, breathe without having to fight so hard for it.
I don't know if tomorrow will feel any lighter. All I know is that today hurts. And there's a particular kind of loneliness in trying to explain a pain that you don't even fully understand yourself.
Sometimes, all I want is for my own mind to feel like a safe place to live :/
Some days, being alive feels like a job I never signed up for. My anxiety suffocates me in ways I can barely explain, like invisible hands tightening around my chest, stealing my breath and turning even the simplest thoughts into a maze I can't find my way out of. My mind never shuts up. There are so many thoughts, so many fears, so many terrible possibilities running through my head that sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in my own mind.
The worst part is that the world doesn't stop just because I'm falling apart. The sun comes up, people go to work, talk, laugh, and carry on with their lives, and I do the same because that's what I'm supposed to do. I get up, do what needs to be done, answer when someone talks to me, and try to look normal while carrying an exhaustion that even sleep can't fix. It's a strange feeling, being everywhere physically but feeling like I'm slowly disappearing inside.
Today, the thought of not existing feels like a desperate attempt to find some silence. Maybe it's not even that I can explain exactly what I'm feeling. I'm just tired of feeling everything so intensely. Tired of fighting a mind that never seems to be on my side. Tired of trying to find peace somewhere inside myself when even the silence feels deafening.
And maybe that's what hurts the most. Not knowing what I need, only knowing that carrying all of this is getting harder. I wish I could take a break from my own thoughts, exist for a few hours without this constant weight on my chest, breathe without having to fight so hard for it.
I don't know if tomorrow will feel any lighter. All I know is that today hurts. And there's a particular kind of loneliness in trying to explain a pain that you don't even fully understand yourself.
Sometimes, all I want is for my own mind to feel like a safe place to live :/
Did my run, worked both jobs, was going to do some reading, but the blues have a hold and I simply keep reading the same paragraph.
Organizing and tidying usually helps me get out of my head. But Iām flooded with SI thoughts.
Iām ready. Iām lonely. Grief is my companion. It interrupts my good and bad thoughts. Thereās a reason for grief, itās important. When you get stuck people donāt know what to say or do. For the first year my mom went with me for everything. She was the force field. Then she died too. Just like that. Then there was one. I canāt wait to not be the one.
Organizing and tidying usually helps me get out of my head. But Iām flooded with SI thoughts.
Iām ready. Iām lonely. Grief is my companion. It interrupts my good and bad thoughts. Thereās a reason for grief, itās important. When you get stuck people donāt know what to say or do. For the first year my mom went with me for everything. She was the force field. Then she died too. Just like that. Then there was one. I canāt wait to not be the one.