Hey you,
I hate to see you are still struggling with these thoughts. I haven't talked to you in a long time. I am not sure what you are going through now. But, if memory serves me correctly, you are close to finishing school, and getting your degree? If so , that will open a lot more doors for you.
I would love to PM with you sometime, if that's ok?
I wish you the best my friend, you have been through so much.
Take Care