Superficial love and other matters

[Jonathan R.]

How can I start this? I am feeling a bit close to the edge this week. I won't go over that edge, but I do feel a bit nearer to it. I have been quite tired this week, partially due to my schedule going early then late, etc. The other part is that my emotions are rather cyclical this week as well. I did get a promotion which is good, but I have to realize that in and of itself doesn't absolve my guilt to my family and to myself.

The guilt to my family is about even thinking these thoughts that they do not know about and never will. I can not share that with them, not because they couldn't handle it, but because if I shared it I would be admitting I would do it to them. I know many people may find that silly, and in a way I guess it is to believe that. You have the thoughts and therefore you predict a way to do it.

Now you are going to question why do I feel guilty to myself, because I am a fraud. I have lucked into things, I have stumbled through life and fell into things. Wait long enough and I got placed into positions. That is the thing the one thing I try to do to make myself happy, what happens I can't do a damn thing right. The thing I don't really care about and I get moved up. What type of life am I leading? Charmed yet hellish or cursed. Cursed is probably the best adjective for my life. I have had some momentary good times, and had some times I would rather not think about when I am down. It all comes down to duty. I have a duty to myself and family to become self sufficient. I must take care of my loved ones, and will need to seek people out to make sure that happens. Well that is the duty, but I still feel like a fraud and hate myself about it. This has helped.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

Aren't we all frauds? All of us are acting out roles that family, culture, society and personal history hammered us into. It's what people do, there's no avoiding it. You aren't a bad person.

 

[Jonathan R.]

I know I am not bad, but do I deserve it? That is my issue, I have tried not caring about my other problems. I am just not sure why I am the way I am.

 

[Sassy Cat]

Hugs jon you do deserve good things to happen to you. You work hard things just didn't fall your way your actions and good work brought them your way. Having suicidal thoughts and acting on them are two different things be kind to yourself. You shouldn't feel guilty about your thoughts you haven't acted on your thoughts so that's all that matters. You are strong and will stay safe. Are you seeing a therapist I can't remember you should it would be someone good to talk to about everything hugs love you see you in chat you can always share with us.

 

[Jonathan R.]

Well I am thinking it will take 10 years to get my affairs in order. So that is the limit that I gotta impose on myself. I am feeling like I will just be consumed by my self hate so better to put a deadline. I am looking, but love seems to be elusive at the time. So I am unsure of my action plan. Sorry, to those reading this I have let you down.

 

[full]

Jonathan, my dear friend from SF chat, short term goals and long term goals kind of go hand in hand. You are still thinking, but it might not be 10 years, it might be sooner than that. It is negative thoughts and self hate that are putting you off a bit, but for us standing a bit far off, we see improvment can be achieved every single day. We just gotta keep it real, have some short term goals and than reward ourselves a bit when we achieve them. And it is okay to be flexible, some days will be good, others utter dread. You did not let anyone down. We are all work in progress here.

 

[Jonathan R.]

Ty, just hate feeling this way. Needing to break my emotions out of a jail just to lock them back up so I can seem ok.

 

[full]

I know, i's tough when those roll through us and I feel for ya. Yes, let them out, some of them might just get lost forever, tiny bit, and after each time you let them out you will instead of getting back to seem ok actually be more ok.

 

[Jonathan R.]

Today was better than yesterday with my emotions. I controlled them as best as I could. Work went well. Still feeling out of it for my personal life.

 

[may71]

The guilt to my family is about even thinking these thoughts that they do not know about and never will. I can not share that with them, not because they couldn't handle it, but because if I shared it I would be admitting I would do it to them.

I guess sharing with them would be a sign of how much you wouldn't want to do it to them, since by telling them you could get their support, and it would make it less likely to happen.

Being suicidal doesn't mean that you want to hurt people that love you, but rather that you are in a lot of pain and don't see any other way out. You don't know what you'll actually do, only what you feel like doing, so telling them that you've been feeling suicidal is just telling them what you feel, not admitting what you'd do.

Don't you think that they'd be a whole lot more hurt if you killed yourself and you never even told them you had been thinking about that?

Imagine what your family's reaction would be if they discovered that you had killed yourself out of the blue. That would be a real torment to them. I don't think you can imagine the guilt and pain you would leave behind.

At the very least, if you tell them, they'll have a chance to try to help you, and if you do eventually make an attempt, it wouldn't come as such a shock.

I have lucked into things, I have stumbled through life and fell into things.

I think you may be selling yourself short here. You'd be amazed at some of the crap that people pull on the job. Like spending all day, everyday on facebook instead of doing work (until they got caught), or making their entire job revolve around avoiding work and responsibility. If you're even half-way trying to do a decent job, you're probably way ahead of a lot of other people.

 

[Jonathan R.]

I guess sharing with them would be a sign of how much you wouldn't want to do it to them, since by telling them you could get their support, and it would make it less likely to happen.

Being suicidal doesn't mean that you want to hurt people that love you, but rather that you are in a lot of pain and don't see any other way out. You don't know what you'll actually do, only what you feel like doing, so telling them that you've been feeling suicidal is just telling them what you feel, not admitting what you'd do.

Don't you think that they'd be a whole lot more hurt if you killed yourself and you never even told them you had been thinking about that?

Imagine what your family's reaction would be if they discovered that you had killed yourself out of the blue. That would be a real torment to them. I don't think you can imagine the guilt and pain you would leave behind.

At the very least, if you tell them, they'll have a chance to try to help you, and if you do eventually make an attempt, it wouldn't come as such a shock.

First I understand what it would be like, and I do know what I will actually do or feel like doing. Sharing my emotions would get me locked up in a hospital when that is the thing I don't need. A hospital wouldn't help me at all probably force me over quicker. I haven't told them because I will not cause them any current pain, future pain is different.

I think you may be selling yourself short here. You'd be amazed at some of the crap that people pull on the job. Like spending all day, everyday on facebook instead of doing work (until they got caught), or making their entire job revolve around avoiding work and responsibility. If you're even half-way trying to do a decent job, you're probably way ahead of a lot of other people.

I understand the amount of time people put into not working, but I am not one of those people I try to get my work done so I can goof off.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

I know I am not bad, but do I deserve it? That is my issue, I have tried not caring about my other problems. I am just not sure why I am the way I am.

Sorry about the late reply. I don't think people 'deserve' the things that chance happens to bring their way in life, whether it's good fortune or bad. Things just happen. People can multiply their good fortune and turn it into good fortune for others. Unfortunately, people can also do the same with bad fortune.

I understand the amount of time people put into not working, but I am not one of those people I try to get my work done so I can goof off.

The things you've earned through hard work are yours, and you do deserve them.

 

[may71]

Sharing my emotions would get me locked up in a hospital

If you've formed a plan or gathered methods, then yes, you could be committed to a hospital. I don't think it would be very likely that you would be hospitalized for suicidal ideation alone.

In principle, an unscrupulous hospital might want to have you committed to bill your insurance, but if you didn't authorize them to bill you, I don't think they could do that.