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Tell me that this misery will end.
- Thread starter UrbanRose
- Start date
I've been depressed for over a month. A few days ago, I thought I was recovering a bit. That didn't last beyond a few hours. Depressive episodes don't usually go on for weeks like this. Christmas is special to me, and I usually find a way to enjoy the season. This year is the worst ever, in terms of low mood.
The cause is too much time alone and not hearing from family like I used to. If I get out of the house, I feel better. I didn't leave the house yesterday or today. I never got dressed today. Some days I'm staying in bed half the day. I feel so unable to move. Mornings are the worst. By the time I get up some energy, it's almost dark, and the day is shot. I have no will power, especially in the morning. After a small breakfast, I go back to bed. Usually, I fall back asleep. It feels like I need the sleep. If I would put on some clothes and get out and run some errands, I'ld feel so much better. I just can't talk myself into doing that for much of the day.
I wish I could talk to a mental health professional who would know what I'm talking about. I found, in the past, that they usually don't really know. They can pay lip service and recite all the standard talking points, but they don't really get it. Plus, it seems I just don't come across as having any serious problem. I clean up pretty good and can present well. They just have no idea what's behind the front. Even when I've tried to explain, there's just no way to show another person how things look through my eyes. When I'm not in the middle of one of these bad episodes, I can feel just fine. I can seem just fine. Because of how well I seem when I am well, no one would suspect how unwell I get at times.
I wish I could talk to someone IRL about this. I wish I could just hire someone to help me straighten up my apartment. If I just had someone here for a few hours, I'ld snap out of this. That is an option. It just feels too embarrassing to do that.
It usually helps, if I just go to a big box store and walk all around. I treat myself to a scented candle and, maybe, buy a special treat to eat. I could have done that today, but I didn't.
I don't really blame professionals for not being able to help me. I'm just not helpable, I guess. I think they see my virtues and strengths, and they conclude I'm just not using my abilities. I seem to be a capable adult, so there seems no excuse for being stuck in a deep pit. I'm not saying I don't deserve a boot in the behind. I know I'm being lazy. I understand it's hard to have sympathy for anyone who seems to just give up. We each have a responsibility to manage our problems. Recurrent depression is like trying to move while wearing a backpack full of bricks. The bag of bricks is invisible. It might seem to others that the bag of bricks could simply be put down. There is no explaining that it can't be.
There are good reasons why it is considered bad manners to go around whining about the load one carries. Everyone carries a load. Life is hard. I don't do much complaining to others IRL. People have enough problems of their own. People can be quite generous, if there is some practical way they can help. Sometimes there isn't. Sometimes it would mean a lot, if someone just could tell me that they understand I'm struggling. I don't tell anyone IRL that I'm having a hard time because nobody wants to hear about invisible bricks . . . not when they have concrete burdens to cope with, as everyone does have.
The cause is too much time alone and not hearing from family like I used to. If I get out of the house, I feel better. I didn't leave the house yesterday or today. I never got dressed today. Some days I'm staying in bed half the day. I feel so unable to move. Mornings are the worst. By the time I get up some energy, it's almost dark, and the day is shot. I have no will power, especially in the morning. After a small breakfast, I go back to bed. Usually, I fall back asleep. It feels like I need the sleep. If I would put on some clothes and get out and run some errands, I'ld feel so much better. I just can't talk myself into doing that for much of the day.
I wish I could talk to a mental health professional who would know what I'm talking about. I found, in the past, that they usually don't really know. They can pay lip service and recite all the standard talking points, but they don't really get it. Plus, it seems I just don't come across as having any serious problem. I clean up pretty good and can present well. They just have no idea what's behind the front. Even when I've tried to explain, there's just no way to show another person how things look through my eyes. When I'm not in the middle of one of these bad episodes, I can feel just fine. I can seem just fine. Because of how well I seem when I am well, no one would suspect how unwell I get at times.
I wish I could talk to someone IRL about this. I wish I could just hire someone to help me straighten up my apartment. If I just had someone here for a few hours, I'ld snap out of this. That is an option. It just feels too embarrassing to do that.
It usually helps, if I just go to a big box store and walk all around. I treat myself to a scented candle and, maybe, buy a special treat to eat. I could have done that today, but I didn't.
I don't really blame professionals for not being able to help me. I'm just not helpable, I guess. I think they see my virtues and strengths, and they conclude I'm just not using my abilities. I seem to be a capable adult, so there seems no excuse for being stuck in a deep pit. I'm not saying I don't deserve a boot in the behind. I know I'm being lazy. I understand it's hard to have sympathy for anyone who seems to just give up. We each have a responsibility to manage our problems. Recurrent depression is like trying to move while wearing a backpack full of bricks. The bag of bricks is invisible. It might seem to others that the bag of bricks could simply be put down. There is no explaining that it can't be.
There are good reasons why it is considered bad manners to go around whining about the load one carries. Everyone carries a load. Life is hard. I don't do much complaining to others IRL. People have enough problems of their own. People can be quite generous, if there is some practical way they can help. Sometimes there isn't. Sometimes it would mean a lot, if someone just could tell me that they understand I'm struggling. I don't tell anyone IRL that I'm having a hard time because nobody wants to hear about invisible bricks . . . not when they have concrete burdens to cope with, as everyone does have.
Staying in bed is a normal reaction when you are sick. You would do the same if you had COVID or fever. Where is the difference? One way out is to make a plan - and to try to stick to it. These last days me too, I was completely depressive, falling back in bad habits, unable to move - but had to get up yesterday, I had no other choice. It was good. So today at 1300 I will walk for 2 or 3 hours (otherwise not possible, as it is too cold or dark). But I know that when walking back, I will feel better. I have to accept my constant ups and downs... it is and will be like this until the end. Being alone is also a good thing. Nobody tells me "why didn't you do the dishes". I want my apartment to be clean. Clean environment is good for a clean(er) spirit. It's just a question of will. If I would continue like the last two or three days - I would die. So - only two choices. But as people depend on me - I simply cannot let myself go, or not for long. So I am forced to continue. Failing would be egoistic. The advantage is - nobody outside knows or would imagine my health status (only my family). I am good in hiding and observing.
I wish you some power to get out - literally.
I wish you some power to get out - literally.
Hello Rose,
I understand, I really do… Yesterday I didn’t get dressed or go out either…
It was bad - really bad, the weather was grey and damp and I felt the same way!
Today the weather was nice and I had somewhere to go and something to do which was outside, I won’t say that I feel better or that everything is now great - however, for a few hours I didn’t Think about How I feel!
All that to say - is there something that you can imagine would lift your spirits a bit? Is there somewhere close by that you could go to that usually you enjoy? Perhaps if you could maybe make a plan this evening and try to psych yourself up to going there tomorrow you might get out of the house…
Sending positive thoughts your way that tomorrow will be a better day…
I understand, I really do… Yesterday I didn’t get dressed or go out either…
It was bad - really bad, the weather was grey and damp and I felt the same way!
Today the weather was nice and I had somewhere to go and something to do which was outside, I won’t say that I feel better or that everything is now great - however, for a few hours I didn’t Think about How I feel!
All that to say - is there something that you can imagine would lift your spirits a bit? Is there somewhere close by that you could go to that usually you enjoy? Perhaps if you could maybe make a plan this evening and try to psych yourself up to going there tomorrow you might get out of the house…
Sending positive thoughts your way that tomorrow will be a better day…
Oh Rose, I could have written so much of this myself. Recurrent depression is unbelievably hard. And it takes a huge toll, and I think gets harder and harder each time. I resonate with the difficulty you express in telling others how hard life seems because everyone has struggles. I’m working on it.
I promise there are professionals who can understand. I’ve always shamed myself, but I recently started seeing a psychiatrist who just looks at me and understands. Understands the toll that putting on a front and acting ok (and doing a really good job of acting ok) has taken on my life.
I’m sorry it’s harder to pull yourself out of it this time around. The pain you’re experiencing is completely real. I understand. I know how hard it is.
please keep posting here. And my inbox is open if you’d ever like to talk.
I promise there are professionals who can understand. I’ve always shamed myself, but I recently started seeing a psychiatrist who just looks at me and understands. Understands the toll that putting on a front and acting ok (and doing a really good job of acting ok) has taken on my life.
I’m sorry it’s harder to pull yourself out of it this time around. The pain you’re experiencing is completely real. I understand. I know how hard it is.
please keep posting here. And my inbox is open if you’d ever like to talk.
I thought I was turning a corner when I got the Christmas tree down and neatly put away. But I've relapsed. I know I'll feel hugely better once I get my place all cleaned and tidied up. However, I procrastinate. There's still xmas stuff strewn all over the place. Yesterday I made no attempt to tidy up. So I woke up feeling defeated.
My nextdoor neighbor died and my other close neighbor got evicted. I'm kind of reclusive, but these neighbors I did used to chat with almost everyday. Now I go a week sometimes, not talking to another human being. I really think social isolation is driving this longass interval of feeling depressed. I know what the remedy is - to become involved in things outside my apartment. But I'm stuck - stuck down in a mental pit of my own creation.
If I just get up and make an effort, it will get better.
My nextdoor neighbor died and my other close neighbor got evicted. I'm kind of reclusive, but these neighbors I did used to chat with almost everyday. Now I go a week sometimes, not talking to another human being. I really think social isolation is driving this longass interval of feeling depressed. I know what the remedy is - to become involved in things outside my apartment. But I'm stuck - stuck down in a mental pit of my own creation.
If I just get up and make an effort, it will get better.
@ UrbanRose. Tomorrow is another day.....get up and make an effort and give yourself credit for taking the tree down.
Maybe you can give yourself some kind of reward for tasks you get accomplished.
Something I do is make a note on my wall calendar whenever I make some kind of successful accomplishment. On days when I relapse, I omit noting anything on the calendar........I don't want to discourage myself.
It's just a thought.....the calendar thing is kind of like a journal and it works for me.
Maybe you can give yourself some kind of reward for tasks you get accomplished.
Something I do is make a note on my wall calendar whenever I make some kind of successful accomplishment. On days when I relapse, I omit noting anything on the calendar........I don't want to discourage myself.
It's just a thought.....the calendar thing is kind of like a journal and it works for me.
Hi Urban Rose, I empathize with you. Depression is an invisible anchor that pulls us down. It dies not have the recognition that cancer has so people do not understand how debilitating it is for people. I feel like I am treading water. Pushing through it. Because we are. Lots of people recommend medication for depression. I tried several with worse effects. So I don’t use meds anymore. I don’t know what your situation is regarding that form of treatment. My thoughts are with you. Once winter passes and it is warmer I hope your depression lifts. I do want you to feel better. My thoughts are with you.
Just wondering how you are doing @UrbanRose . Did you manage to get stuff cleaned up, or to mayne get out to walk around a store a bit?
I hope you are feeling some renewed energy, some pathway out of the stuckness.
hug
I hope you are feeling some renewed energy, some pathway out of the stuckness.
hug
Thank you for your post. I didn't see it until now. I have someone coming tomorrow to help me. This is someone I pay. She's expensive, but she helps me to get a lot done. That should help me improve.
I think I may have to tell my primary doctor that I need help. I don't know what help would consist of. I've asked for help before to my previous provider. She said she'ld put in a referral. Nothing came of it.
I can't let them keep ignoring me. I hate that I have to get pushy. I need someone professional to listen to me. If they don't listen and believe me, it is so unfair.
I think I may have to tell my primary doctor that I need help. I don't know what help would consist of. I've asked for help before to my previous provider. She said she'ld put in a referral. Nothing came of it.
I can't let them keep ignoring me. I hate that I have to get pushy. I need someone professional to listen to me. If they don't listen and believe me, it is so unfair.
So, what I would recommend is asking your primary care physician for a referral to general psychiatry. They were probably asking you the questions about the level or severity of your suicidality (or degree of likelihood that you'd commit...) in order to determine potential need for admission to inpatient - in behavioral health unit/psych ward, or otherwise. . . pills can help relieve alleviate symptoms from mental illness. Generally, in the better (& not best) cases of scenarios - that/or those in which they are a "success," at least in terms of their level of effectiveness, or being therapeutically so - they can take the edge off of them / or blunt the more severe & crippling or interfering of your regular/normal functioning, to the point where you can proceed & carry on with your day a little bit easier, or more manageably. Then, if you haven't already been made aware, the other typical / or traditional means of taking this thing on is with some kind or form of talk therapy. Cognitive Behavioral, whatever, there's various kinds, but some are more popular, common than others (as they may be more dialed into specific diagnoses). Hope things go well for you @UrbanRose
So they generally don't just wipe them all out together, as I understand it anyway, for most people. And some can be med-resistant or treatment-so, as well. But at the end of the day, it won't matter much any body else's experiences, for your own unique & individual brain chemistry, among other factors, will determine how successful they will, or won't be (for you). And also, how long it takes, or hard it is, to find one (medication) that works. Everyone's experiences, will vary! But the risks, for some, are worth the rewards...