I'm not back to normal, but the misery is a good bit less. I didn't get dressed until 4 o'clock this afternoon. Morning is my hardest time. No motivation.
The crying and sobbing has stopped. I'm accepting that I will be completely alone Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Like last year, my youngest sister may not even call me. I don't know why she has ghosted me. But I don't think I'll cry about it again. It's just a reality to be adjusted to.
I lived like a recluse the past few years, so I'm not connected to other people. That's my own fault. I have to let the sadness of being so alone motivate me to get out of the house and join with others in doing something worthwhile. I want to believe that I can overcome this isolation. A part of me doesn't believe that and feels hopeless. I must not give in to that.
Years ago I moved far, far from my place of origin with my boyfriend. He and I had no family or friends in this place we relocated to, but we liked it here. We tended to keep to ourselves. Three years ago, he died, after a very long sickness. So that left me very much by myself. I adjusted to the loss reasonably well, but this holiday season that has fallen apart. I spend too much time in bed watching videos. The bed is a warm cacoon. It feels nice, but it's like I'm just waiting to die.
I am grateful for the encouraging posts above. Getting a response from another human makes me feel less dead. I've always recovered from depressive tailspins in the past. I should be able to again, but this time it's very slow.
Now I must finish straightening up my apartment. That way, I might still have time to put up my Christmas tree. I have the makings of a beautiful Christmas tree. I'll feel sad, if I don't put it up.
