Well... I think my username is self explanatory really, but I made it at a time I was feeling like I was at the end, I was done and I kept saying I was at the end, but then I'd still be here and I couldn't stop being here, hence the "ish". And it made me feel miserable because it felt wrong to be here. The ish felt wrong. I suppose it's similar to the semicolon people use to symbolize attempting yet going on, except my connotation isn't very positive.
It’s the way I describe what I do all day just to be able to get through. It describes how I keep a level of control over the turmoil that is inside. Breathing out is dangerous because it generally results in an avalanche of emotions which I can’t control. I used to breathe out once a week when I went to counselling and then would hate having to go back to the real world afterwards and bring it all back in again. That little room for one hour a week was mine and I could say and do whatever I wanted. My counsellor ‘dropped me’ because I was too high risk. It made me feel totally abandoned and alone. Breathing out is dangerous so I live my life holding my breath.
So I sort of put everything together. Because my heart is healing from all the trauma I've been through.
I've always liked the song and it kinda reflects what have always been my fear, the cause of my anxiety, the panic of another girl (any girl, not one in particular) taking my love from me (spoiler: it happened recently, so my username, which was a sort of charm, as if I could be better than any "Jolene" didn't work. Self-fullfilling prophecy, so ironic).
Fauve is my nickname. It's short for Fauvette, the French name of the Warbler. The thing is, Fauve is also a word meaning wild beast / big cat.
My grandmother called me like that because, one day, we saved a garden warbler that had hit her window. Later, my grandfather shortened it to "Fauve", because I also threw pretty big tantrums and screamed very loud ; "A bird?! Eh, more like a wild cat!", is what he said.
My grandmother called me like that because, one day, we saved a garden warbler that had hit her window. Later, my grandfather shortened it to "Fauve", because I also threw pretty big tantrums and screamed very loud ; "A bird?! Eh, more like a wild cat!", is what he said.