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Thank you for helping me to survive my worst times.

#1
I don't really know how to start this. First of all, thank you!

My" jouney" began roughly three years ago but I ignored all my negative thoughts until one year ago. At this time I had the worst mental breakdown I have ever experienced. And suicide seemed like the only exit.
So I started my research. I googled "suicide forum" in the hope, I'd find a pro-suicide forum. But I found this wonderfull community instead. Usually, I don't post much on the internet.
But at this time, I felt so bad that I thought it wouldn't matter since I'm dead soon anyway. So I just wrote some lines down. I've just read the post again and I have to admit that most of it was self-pity.
It was more like a cry for love and compassion instead of a objective describtion of my problems. In my eyes it's even kinda cringey but nobody ever blamed me for that! ^^

I couldn't express my emotions as good as I wanted to - well, unfortunately I'm not a native speaker but that's okay. That being said, my post(s) didn't get much attention. Three or four replys, perhaps.
But that was more than enough to keep me going for a few days - it was so heartwarming! After a few days I got a message in my inbox. It was from a kind girl one year older than me.
We just talked about our problems but she was a few steps ahead of me when it comes to strategies against suicidal thoughts - So she helped me and listened, most of the time.
And that was the point were I realised that there are more people on this planet, people who have a good influence on me. Opening my inbox everyday after school kept me going. You may not read this, but thank you!

But eventually our messages got shorter by time, I spent less time on SF and yeah... We naturally stopped talking everyday. I had a huge "up-phase" at the time and I thought I wouldn't need SF again.
But the "down" was right in front of me. It lasted 2-3 months. I started cutting myself, lynching myself, and doing dumb stuff. The worst thing about that was: it felt good. It was the only way to release pressure.
But I needed to stop. So I came here again, but didn't post. I've just read other threads to learn about other people, their problems, motivations, and all the answers from the Supporters.
By the way, Petal and 1964dodge, you're awesome! You and many other people helped me without even noticing it. And so I managed to get my life back together again.

I'm still having my up and downs at the time. But I've managed to stop thinking that suicide ist my "Emergency-Exit". And I'm so proud of that. There is still a huge list of things I have to work on:

-self-confidence
-social anxiety
-finding myself very unattractive
-being depressed for no reason
-can't open up to somebody
-falling in "love" to fast
-interpret way to much into small gestures
-et cetera

But I can work with that. Going from "Everything is bullsh*t and live isn't liveable anymore" to "these are the things I have to work on" is a huge step in my opinion. And you guys helped me without questioning it for a second.
I'm turning 18 in a few months. I've seen so few things, and earned so little experience. But I'm looking forward to start living my life. Some months ago I wouldn't have thought that possible.
Lastly, Thank you for reading to this point, that means a lot to me! :)

No matter at which state of life you are - You're awesome. Keep going.
 

Sunday16

SF Supporter
#3
Oh my @MadLizzard your post is so wonderful to read! I'm so glad to hear that you're doing better and that being on this site has helped. I can relate to a lot of what you've said and I think having a community of people who understand, who feel the same, and have similar experiences is such a blessing. Being able to connect and feel human when we are down makes all the difference in the world. Best of luck to you on your journey; stay positive and remember to visit whenever you need a boost! {{hug}} {{hug}} {{hug}}
 

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