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Practical Advice The Beach

#1
So I feel bad that I only seem to come onto this forum when I'm at my worst. But this is something I (for obvious reasons) cannot tell anyone in my personal life about.

Last year I had a particularly scary breakdown. During this time I entertained the idea of suicide for the first time in a long time. My fear was always that it would hurt and therefore I couldn't really want to do it because the idea of pain scared me.

However, I found at that point I no longer cared.

<mod edit - method/timeline>

Given the context of what this <mod edit> means I'm worried that this is more detrimental than helpful. The moment I choose to go has become almost like a happy future memory and I don't know of that's good or not.

I've always been practical so giving myself a sell by date with a no shame extension policy means that if at that point I no longer want to do it I dont have to.

But the idea of being in a worry free, stress free, pain free moment just sat on a beach listening to music before it all stops for good has become extremely appealing.

I just dont know what this means.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
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#2
Hi Elcten,
I modified your post to remain within the rules of the site, as no methods or timelines are allowed here.
I'm sorry that you've fund yourself once again feeling bad. It would seem as though since you have periods of decent times followed by periods of depression (given that you show up here when you're feeling particularly bad) that maybe medication might be helpful for you. Do you see anyone professionally for this? Do you have family support?
 
#3
Hi Elcten,
I modified your post to remain within the rules of the site, as no methods or timelines are allowed here.
I'm sorry that you've fund yourself once again feeling bad. It would seem as though since you have periods of decent times followed by periods of depression (given that you show up here when you're feeling particularly bad) that maybe medication might be helpful for you. Do you see anyone professionally for this? Do you have family support?
Thank you! When I realised I had broken rules I tried deleting it but couldn't figure out how. I used to see someone professionally but I just don't like talking about this sort of thing so it became a waste of money. In terms of medication it makes me a zombie, I've tried a few but I just end up functioning rather than living.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
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SF Supporter
#4
I get what you mean about medication. A lot of people say the same thing. I guess the trade off is being alive though, right? Do you feel this bad (I mean, like right now) often enough or feel like you're at risk enough often enough to take medication and feel a bit crap or just skip it and feel super awful periodically? (I don't know - that's what each person decides individually)
What is it that you're finding dissatisfying? Family? Work? Love? Everything?

P.S. It's all good, we delete stuff all the time :)
 
#5
Just...everything. I have no real reason to be depressed which is frustrating, I always feel down but when I spiral it's just more intense and scary. If I go back on medication I'd be alive but I wouldn't feel anything or be able to do anything. Like yeah I'd be alive but there'd be no joy in it just monotonous grey. I could try talking to a doctor again but idk my experiences haven't been good
 

Sunspots

Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#6
Hi Elcten

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, it can be very scary.

What kind of medication did you try? Were they all SSRIs? There are some different types of antidepressants which may be more suitable. Also how long did you try them for? Side effects can be worse during the first few weeks and then lessen.

Therapy is hard. It takes time to build up that trust between you so that you find it easier to talk about the tough stuff. Therapists have all different types of approaches, maybe the one yours was using just wasn't right for you but you'd feel more comfortable with a different one. Maybe it's worth giving it another try.

Medication, therapy or not, we're always here so keep talking to us yeah?
 
#7
Hi. Welcome to the forums @Elcten881. I'm sorry you haven't had much luck with therapy or medications so far and you've been feeling down recently.

As previously mentioned, therapy and medication comes in many forms - you might have more luck with group therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm sorry you haven't had the best experiences with doctors so far, but doctors are a good place to start to at least explore your options.

You mention how you have "no reason" to be depressed and this frustrates you. Although being depressed can be frustrating, don't worry about not having a "real reason" to be depressed.

You also say you have considered setting yourself a "sell-by date". I've had similar thoughts before. The problem is, if you have a sell-by date, your focus might be distracted from improving your life to where it's better for you. The most important thing is keeping yourself safe and trying to improve your happiness.

I hope you can feel better soon. Sending hugs *brohug.
 
#8
Hi Elcten

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, it can be very scary.

What kind of medication did you try? Were they all SSRIs? There are some different types of antidepressants which may be more suitable. Also how long did you try them for? Side effects can be worse during the first few weeks and then lessen.

Therapy is hard. It takes time to build up that trust between you so that you find it easier to talk about the tough stuff. Therapists have all different types of approaches, maybe the one yours was using just wasn't right for you but you'd feel more comfortable with a different one. Maybe it's worth giving it another try.

Medication, therapy or not, we're always here so keep talking to us yeah?

I was on Citralopram from age 16 to 17 and one other until I was 19. Both made me kinda numb, so I wasnt sad but I couldn't feel happy either and I just slept all day when not at work.

I just dont like talking about myself in general so talking to therapists makes me extremely uncomfortable to the point I would dread going. I admit I don't know much about behaviour therapy but it sounds expensive and I live pay day to pay day.
 
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#9
The links in my signature have some information about treatment methods, including some self-treatment methods.

Here's a copy of the links in case you're on a phone.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia and General Help
Acupressure Self-Massage for Depression, Insomnia, and Anxiety

If you don't want to see a therapist, leaning about a technique like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) on your own might help. A member here has recommended The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns, though there may be other good books out there about CBT.

I hope something can help.
 

Livelife

SF Supporter
#10
So I feel bad that I only seem to come onto this forum when I'm at my worst. But this is something I (for obvious reasons) cannot tell anyone in my personal life about.

Last year I had a particularly scary breakdown. During this time I entertained the idea of suicide for the first time in a long time. My fear was always that it would hurt and therefore I couldn't really want to do it because the idea of pain scared me.

However, I found at that point I no longer cared.

<mod edit - method/timeline>

Given the context of what this <mod edit> means I'm worried that this is more detrimental than helpful. The moment I choose to go has become almost like a happy future memory and I don't know of that's good or not.

I've always been practical so giving myself a sell by date with a no shame extension policy means that if at that point I no longer want to do it I dont have to.

But the idea of being in a worry free, stress free, pain free moment just sat on a beach listening to music before it all stops for good has become extremely appealing.

I just dont know what this means.
I deeply hope you find something to start a shift, movement up into some hope that can lift you up and out some of the depth of what you are experiencing right now. I am moving in a how to get through each minute kind of time again myself and it's scary, being in it. I believe I will take a look at the CBT book suggested above as therapy doesn't take me anywhere one on one and group isn't available that's has any degree of affordability or consistency ...... I'm tired of thinking about death most of the time........Maybe there is a group setting in your area that is available to you? Any thoughts on sharing in that kind of setting?*grouphug2
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#11
Good morning @Elcten881 . I wish you could be feeling good. I am on 25mg Lamotrogine as an anti-depressant and it does not dull my feelings at all, it just helps me think more positively. I have gone through periods in life where I did not want to live. Now I am glad I am still alive. There are lots of things in life that I enjoy. Sitting on a beach would be one of them.
 

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