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There is no bottom to this well

#1
It has been almost 6 years. Six years, where I struggle each day. Six years, and a little piece of me still shouts out that I'm to blame. Six years, and I still sleep with her little shirt. Six years, she'd be 12 now.
I miss her so much I think my heart is literally breaking. There is such an ache in my chest that I'm sure my heart will give out soon. And I think of my angel, skipping about, and looking at me with that smile.
That smile...that smile with 4 missing teeth. We had just put the last one under her pillow 3 nights before. That smile, with her one dimple and that sparkle in her eyes. That smile, that more often than not turned into a fit of giggles.
I really tried to focus on all the good things today. I finished a poem I wrote for her and decided that I'm going to the lake and feed the ducks for her.
But as today moved along the horrible sadness slowly returned. I haven't found words that can describe how deep my sense of loss is. I will never see her grow up. I will never get to talk to her about boyfriends and college and marriage. I will never get to see her become a mother. I will never have grandchildren.
Six years and I think the pain has just gotten worse. I miss you so very much!
 

HumanExMachina

I/O
SF Artist
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
I can't imagine anything worse that a person would have to deal with. I'm very sorry for your loss, AU. Talking to others about it could help you process the pain. SF is here for you.
 
#3
I can't imagine anything worse that a person would have to deal with. I'm very sorry for your loss, AU. Talking to others about it could help you process the pain. SF is here for you.
Thank you. I have talked with a couple amazing people here. I just feel like I'm bothering everyone when I keep talking about her.
 
#5
I'm trying to do something special and hopefully cathartic to honor her passing on the 26th. I am trying to stay positive and not dwell on what I'm missing. I want to celebrate all the good things about her. But at the end of the day it's just me wishing it was me not her.
 

HumanExMachina

I/O
SF Artist
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
I'm trying to do something special and hopefully cathartic to honor her passing on the 26th. I am trying to stay positive and not dwell on what I'm missing. I want to celebrate all the good things about her. But at the end of the day it's just me wishing it was me not her.
I think it's ok to experience both. Staying positive when you can is important, celebrating the blessing it was for both of you to be in each other's lives. But at the end of the day, the sadness is natural, it's part of the loving feelings, and it's ok. The sadness needs an outlet, too.
 

SillyOldBear

Old fart who wants out of this mess
Staff Alumni
#7
NEVER feel like you are a bother by talking about her. Talking about her keeps her alive the only way you can. Your love for her shows in every word you right. I cannot even imagine the depth of your loss. No one should ever lose a child.
 
#8
Woken up again. I swear I heard her coughing down the hall. I wanna get up n check. But Im laying here justletting tears roll. I'll never get those mom moment again. Miss you angel!
 

Petal

SF Number 1 Fan
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#9
First of all; please NEVER feel like you are bothering people talking about your huge loss, we are always here to listen, that is why this site exists, for people to speak tbeir mind no matter how much you think you're being a bother. We are here for YOU.

Secondly: I am so sorry for your loss, its unimaginable to be honest, do you have a therapist you can talk to in real life? You have so much to offer the world and maybe you could even help others based on your own grief? Who knows eh?

Hugs x
 
#10
First of all; please NEVER feel like you are bothering people talking about your huge loss, we are always here to listen, that is why this site exists, for people to speak tbeir mind no matter how much you think you're being a bother. We are here for YOU.

Secondly: I am so sorry for your loss, its unimaginable to be honest, do you have a therapist you can talk to in real life? You have so much to offer the world and maybe you could even help others based on your own grief? Who knows eh?

Hugs x
Thank you. Sometimes I wonder if talking about her just makes me more depressed. Today I'm going to work on a scrapbook page or two. I just hope I can finish at least one before the sadness sets in.

I have a therapist and she has helped me alot. I've been seeing her for about 3 years I guess. I just feel like I'm bothering her too because of all my mini crisis lately.

I'm not sure what u mean about me having so much to offer the world. I'm nobody special. Just a mother with no child trying to make it thru a day. I don't know how helpful I could be to anybody else. I'm too emotional about that kinda stuff. Maybe some time. Idk.
 
#11
Thought I could write something here today but I cant. Nothing positive anyway. My therapist says to let myself fall apart for a little bit, to FEEL my feelings. All I feel is pain. This awful deep ache that makes me want to curl up in bed and cry. And nothing takes it away even a little.
 
#12
I miss her. Seeing back to school ads on tv set off the sadness. I won't be doing that with her. I won't get to hear about new teachers or boys or girls gossip. I miss her so much.
 

gypsylee

SF Supporter
#13
I miss her. Seeing back to school ads on tv set off the sadness. I won't be doing that with her. I won't get to hear about new teachers or boys or girls gossip. I miss her so much.
I’m so sorry @AgonyUnhinged. I have a 17yo daughter and she’s the one person who, if something bad happened to, I don’t know if I’d survive. I lost my brother suddenly in 2014 and I’m ok with that now, but my daughter is another story. I guess the thing is though, nothing like that is guaranteed.. She just got her driver’s licence and could crash her car. My brother’s death taught me that — he was gone overnight basically.

The only suggestion I have is doing things, little rituals, that mean something to you. I have an “altar” for my brother, with his photo and some bits and pieces, and I often light a candle and some incense.

Gypsy x
 
#15
Still awake. Lying here thinking about every detail of my last day with her. She was so beautiful. So full of life.
I didn't know that would be the last time I would hug her. The last time I'd hear her say mommy.
Now my mind turns to the "If only". I have to stop. I have to sleep. I have to work in less than 6 hours. Maybe I'll call in. No. Better not. It fills the hours.
I don't know why I torture myself like this.
 
#17
Her daddy picked her up for a visit. She cried and wanted to stay home. I told her I'd see in a few days, that her abuela was waiting to see her, that wed go for ice cream when she came home. Never got to have that ice cream. They were hit by a drunk driver. Everyone died on impact. She's gone. Forever.
 
#18
Maybe I'm more depressed than I thought. Maybe I said the wrong thing to my therapist today. Whatever it was got everyone all freaked out and now they are talking about putting me in the hospital. Again.
I'm trying to be strong for you sweetheart. I really am. Even tho I wish we were together. I've been missing u sooo much lately. And I'm trying to hold on to all the blessings u brought into my life. I will never b the same without u. But u made my life so much better with u in it. Te quiero mi monita.
 

MarvelFan

Vanity of Vanities
#20
Her daddy picked her up for a visit. She cried and wanted to stay home. I told her I'd see in a few days, that her abuela was waiting to see her, that wed go for ice cream when she came home. Never got to have that ice cream. They were hit by a drunk driver. Everyone died on impact. She's gone. Forever.
Usually I have something philosophical to say but all I can say is im sorry. Of all the suffering I have read and torment I went though in life, you have my deepest sympathy because this sounds like the most horrifying thing anyone should ever have to gone though. All I can say is that I love you.
 

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