Things got bad again

[unnamedfeeling]

My depression started while I was still living under my emotionally abusive mother’s roof. I was first suicidal at 16 and I left home just before my 18th birthday. Now, going on three years later, my depression lingers on. I’ve been treating myself with meditation, space from my mother, and hallucinogens and it’s allowed the last few months to be happy and productive.

But a few days ago it came back. Full force. I don’t know how to weather this as well as I used to, and my suicidal thoughts are graphic and difficult to push away. I cry whenever my mind becomes idle.

I can tell that this is hurting my boyfriend.

I’m so disappointed in myself for falling back into this.

I hate myself so much.

 

[Petal]

Hi @unnamedfeeling Please don't hate yourself. It is not your fault that you have fallen into the pit of depression. It's an illness just like any other illness and nothing to be ashamed of. I think you should quit the hallucinogens, they will destroy your mind.

I think you should seek professional help. From my own experiences, professional help has proven to be very effective, therapy and medication. One anti depressant in particular helped me a million times over, Mirtazapine.

You're so young, grab life by the nuts and get yourself the help you so badly need. Maybe your boyfriend could even attend an appointment with you.

You're far from alone in your thoughts, we're here for you x

 

[may71]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this Unnamedfeeling

I've heard other people describe getting temporary benefits from hallucinogens, but finding it all coming back later. I'd recommend not using hallucinogens to try to treat depression.

I’m so disappointed in myself for falling back into this.

I hate myself so much

You're not to blame for this. You're doing the best you can. Please don't hate yourself

The links in my signature have some information about treatment methods. Maybe there's something there that can help.

I hope that things can get better soon

 

[MarvelFan]

My depression started while I was still living under my emotionally abusive mother’s roof. I was first suicidal at 16 and I left home just before my 18th birthday. Now, going on three years later, my depression lingers on. I’ve been treating myself with meditation, space from my mother, and hallucinogens and it’s allowed the last few months to be happy and productive.

But a few days ago it came back. Full force. I don’t know how to weather this as well as I used to, and my suicidal thoughts are graphic and difficult to push away. I cry whenever my mind becomes idle.

I can tell that this is hurting my boyfriend.

I’m so disappointed in myself for falling back into this.

I hate myself so much.

Are you not living under your mothers roof anymore? Also do you have a job because that is important to well-being. Try to quiet your mind if you can find something to keep you busy. When I get into the worse suicidal feeling I sleep to get past it that is all one can do sometimes.

 

[unnamedfeeling]

Are you not living under your mothers roof anymore?

I’m not. I live 25mins away in an apartment with my boyfriend.

Also do you have a job because that is important to well-being.

Yeah, I work for my boyfriend’s startup web agency. I make my own hours so it’s too easy to slack off and just mope when things get bad.

There are a lot of projects depending on my input and both my boyfriend’s and my income is at risk when my mood takes a dip.

 

[unnamedfeeling]

I've heard other people describe getting temporary benefits from hallucinogens, but finding it all coming back later. I'd recommend not using hallucinogens to try to treat depression.

I think you should quit the hallucinogens, they will destroy your mind.

I’d like to say that the halluginogens have helped me tremendously. I mostly take microdoses, but occasionally when I’m starting to feel numb or overwhelmed by life I take a full dose, and I find it gives me something of a hard reset. Feeling suicidal though, I’ll avoid it, because it does put me in a place of emotional instability and that’s too risky for me right now.

I’ve both heard of and seen the harm that antidepressants have done to people, and it scares me. So I found a different strategy I guess.

 

[may71]

I’ve both heard of and seen the harm that antidepressants have done to people, and it scares me

Anti-depressants can be useful sometimes. Certainly if you're at risk for a suicide attempt, they can help prevent it.

Anti-depressants are mostly useful in so far as they help you do other things that make you less depressed, like make positive changes in personal relationships, employment, housing, regular exercise, etc. If you just take anti-depressants and make no other changes, then often times you'll develop a tolerance eventually and keep needing to up the dose.

If you don't want to go the anti-depressant route, I'd recommend trying acupuncture and traditional Chinese herbal medicine. There's clinical evidence that acupuncture can treat depression and a variety of other conditions.

There's more info about treatment methods, including some self-help methods, in my signature links

I found some simple dietary changes made a big difference for me

 

[GiaEve707]

My depression started while I was still living under my emotionally abusive mother’s roof. I was first suicidal at 16 and I left home just before my 18th birthday. Now, going on three years later, my depression lingers on. I’ve been treating myself with meditation, space from my mother, and hallucinogens and it’s allowed the last few months to be happy and productive.

But a few days ago it came back. Full force. I don’t know how to weather this as well as I used to, and my suicidal thoughts are graphic and difficult to push away. I cry whenever my mind becomes idle.

I can tell that this is hurting my boyfriend.

I’m so disappointed in myself for falling back into this.

I hate myself so much.

I’m so sorry you have this burden to carry. I’m sorry that your mother, who should have been your safety net, was the one to hurt and harm you. But even when you are in that darkness, know there is hope and light and that things WILL get better. Know that when you are in that dark those feelings are temporary and you can weather them. Focus on the beauty in life. If it means taking a walk and just focusing on the colors and smells or even just getting yourself to move out of bed. And those days you fail, forgive yourself and try again the next day. You are beautiful and have a purpose here. Most importantly, don’t fight this alone and take no shame in getting counseling. Instead, see the hope in how awesome you will be WHEN you make it through. It’s hard work, but worth it. And super important, be cautious of where you spend your time online. Fill it with goodness.

 

[MarvelFan]

I am going to try zoloft again I got a whole bottle but I have heard once you get through the first 2 weeks it of side effects it starts to help. I think I am going to try taking it at night because I took it during the day and it made me way more suicidal.