i am sorry you can relate so well, tam. that's exactly it, that's the whole story.
had two typical such conversations with the same friend on the phone today, the first where he obviously didn't know it was my birthday so we commiserated about how it was "just another day in just another week, another boring ordinary stupid wednesday, but tomorrow is a new day" and then the second after his roommate had tipped him off that it was my birthday (facebook, you auto-reminding little bastard) so he called to apologize profusely. i felt totally ashamed for having mentioned it to other people earlier and then totally ashamed for not mentioning it to him and then totally ashamed for having put him in the position where he noticed that i hadn't said it and totally ashamed for having created a situation where he felt like he had to apologize for something that was my fault and then and then and then... there is really just no winning these fun little mental games, is there?
i did make a therapist appointment. for friday morning. i hope that turns out to be a good idea.
vermin, i wish you the best of luck with yours.. and you as well, irishdoll. mine is finally over and i am still alive if not exactly filled with elated wonder at the magic of existence; i hope yours push you more in that direction but shooting for "still alive" is also ok under our circumstances, i think.
take care all.