I guess everything is going as 0lanned. Seeing results of CK at 1,255 U/L and urine ph at 8.5. In all this time I was c9mplaoning of severe pain in my pegs, CK was never checked. The last time ot was checked was back in October of 2023 when it was normal and I was able to walk without cane. Nobember of that uear O got fra tuted vertebrea and got put on oxycodone on which I stayed until rehab im January of 2014 and started using it (prescribed) again when I started doing physical therapy in Feb-March of last year. PCP did not bother to check CK nack then but kept on giving me oxycodone for my pains. Ever since that time I had to use a cane to suppprt the stance and walking. The clonazepam and Lyrica, are both medications known to caise miscle pain and wrakness and breakage of a muscle tissue and they kept on ptescribing them without checking CK levels. I guess me wanting out of this World since 1992 finally the World agrees too. Hopefully I live until they increase Suboxone to four times a day so I can leave painlessly even thoigh now that I am writing this, I am remembering that body goes into some kind of shock during biolpgical death and there is no pain imvolbed anyhow excepy during being alive. What an enlightning conclusion, at least for me. There won't be pain in the end regardless.
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Tidbitsitsybityspider
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Finally tealizex root cause of my problems: I am Asshole. I am to the point where nothing prescribed helps for pain and anxiety and panic attacks. On top of that I habe lost little support of a few I jad in the past two years. I am totally broke. Am tolling cigarette bits and throwing clomazepam amd Percocet every hour in the body with no improvement. Body totally fucked up. And when did it all start. The only point I think is with my father killonf himself. War would have been nothing if he had not done that. I was 14 when he did; impressionable young mind who upon dad"s self destructive act starting hiding from life. I am weak person. Only by survivor instinct I am 48, exactly how old my dad was when he checked himself out. In these days when I am broke and running out of medications, food and simple pleasure of snoking tobbaco, I am more and more inclined to kill myself as it seems to me nobody cares, cause I am asshole and it will probably be few more days before thing either turn for better or stamp with expiration date hammers on me. Noone to whom I have apolpgized in the past has actually accepted it in their hirts, only hollow words. And to top it with possessive mother who only knew how to show love by cooking a meal and never be happy with ny life choices it is feeding my anger and rage. Why the fuck all the shit happened. Now, I swear to myself to not have a single emotion for anyone and I am leaving SF for that reason as well as this is support community. Since I do not care about muself nor anyone else, goodbye.
Every time I have a discussion wuth my mother, afterwards I am left with the suicidal feeling as she never admutted bullying me from my age of 17 onwards. Also, the girl I loved the most in my life completely ditched me. I understand people have their reasons but their actions just want me to kill myself. Twp nights ago , I attempted. I am ashamed it did not work out. That time was because ny body pains are not managed well. Pain clinics are worse than PCP but still, I am not getting sufficient dosing. On top of it, in the last almost two years, I got clean 8 times and had to go back on full opiates because ibuprofen, lidocain, THC, Tylenol, ADs, Lyrica, do not help manage my pain. CT was preformed few days ago and my back is still damaged. On top of it, mental issues, TRD and cPTSD. People see ne and say I look good but fail to understand that I am broken man who needs constant help. Words dont help anymore. I am seeung social worker in order to be put on government disability at which approval I will request to be placed into one of the communal houses for sick people as everything is hard to do these days.
10th tine getting off of oxy cause third time in a row prescription runs out too soon as doctors are controlled by DEA and nature of opiat
Es is double edges sword, the more person take it the more chances for htperalgesia. I am in the camp of those who developed severe OUD so no matter how mich they prescribe it will run out earlier because, well, YOLO. This time having Suboxone leftovers, using some Australian health departments protocol for tapering down. Thankfully, plenty of benzos and clonidine to cqlm raging nervous system. Suboxone along paracetamol and ibuprofen will help for aches and pains. Left aside about 10 Percocets just in case New Year's eve is miserable they can be like bandage on a wound. Came to the point where I am not concerned with OD or whatever because YOLO. What will be will be.
Es is double edges sword, the more person take it the more chances for htperalgesia. I am in the camp of those who developed severe OUD so no matter how mich they prescribe it will run out earlier because, well, YOLO. This time having Suboxone leftovers, using some Australian health departments protocol for tapering down. Thankfully, plenty of benzos and clonidine to cqlm raging nervous system. Suboxone along paracetamol and ibuprofen will help for aches and pains. Left aside about 10 Percocets just in case New Year's eve is miserable they can be like bandage on a wound. Came to the point where I am not concerned with OD or whatever because YOLO. What will be will be.
Beginning of a year. Ever6thing has a co-pay and I am broke. Have maybe four bucks total until next early mid-month. Doc tried gelpping me with Medrol for sciatica but on the fourth day side-effects got best of me and nurse on call during MKL Jr. holiday advised me to stop taking it. Was good for about a day and a half and flare up is back with vengance that I will run out of painkillers before next prescription. With no other means to get relief and healthcare system moving slowly, I am debating in my head of ctb this time for realZ. I dont want to die in agony and do not cate anymore if I stay conscious during passing. It is time of the year very close to when I had last major trauma and there are lots of triggers and it does not matter that rqtionally am aware that those are memories when their emotional charge make havoc inside nervous system. My support system came to a halt and truth be told am not surprised as it lasted as long as it did. Osteopatic dov I saw in hiprs to give me pointers on body motions in order to aliviate pain told me I have been dealt bad hand, so manu damaged and compressed discs, back filled with artrithis with a bony part pressing S nerve hence constant pain from back down to the whole leg. The only thing now is neurosurgery. Not sure if I will be around for the apppintments made because, well, healthcare system is moving slow.
Thank you @Congratsbaby 🙏
I am sorry you got a short hand of the stick as well. Sciatica pain subsided considerably but I had to use extra painkiller to not crazy. I have MRI spine on 31st and then should be seeing someone in neurosurgery on the 4th to see what's next. If I am a good candidate I will go for it no matter the risks as this has lasted far too long and opiates being double edge sword, I'd like better solution to at least be able to be back gainfully employed and get my independence back to not fall onto others' backs each month for essentials. Wishing you and all in the same and simmilar both the best.
Two years homebound like a solitary cell in a prison. When I just got approved for long term disability I could see envy in the eyes of those around me while they were almost high fiving me for it not understanding that I have not faked my illnesses. This winter has tought me that I am living periods. This year almost everything is a trigger and how mind creates reality I awoke in the middle of a night with a bloody taste in my mouth. Few hours prior to it body started shaking and heart pounding that upon BP/HR measurments I swallowed clonidine for being tachy and half dose clonazepam for anxiety as it was early for the next scheduled dose. Recently I've discovered wealth of handpan music, first on Calm app, then on Spotify. It puts me into retrospective mode/mood which has been a mainstay of my MO since early childhood (remember back in the 80's, without bombardment of infotech world, sitting in my room by the window listening with the whole being the flow of life, in other words being present here and now). Opening of the vertical consciousness goes through dimensions like a knife through hot butter. More and more calmness dawns on me yet at the same time vigor of being forever alive intensifies and it is becoming clear that anything I put my mind to is coming true and those were sweet innocent years of peace, love and happiness. Now, after whole five years of torment cracks are showing up again. Nothing is ever for nothing nor useless, worthless, pointless as long as heart beats and body is left to do its' own thing - live. I don't know how long this particular charade will go on under this assumed name and form but every single day in these 48 years of being on this planet, in this dream, I had at least one beautiful moment, the one that takes a breath away. I want to believe everyone has this even though I am aware of hard core cases of self-sabotage, self harm and stubborness to stay locked up in a miserable mind. It is what it is. Simple as that. Wishing myself and the rest all the best. We will conquer our demons inside as as we created them we shall erase them with love, peace, simple smile, kiss or a hug. Thank you for moderators too as we put you through a lot of work to screen the posts and keep us all SaFe.
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Thank you @Congratsbaby , same to you 🤗
Since peeps IRL are mentally gone as far as I am and since the platform I've been writing on is judgmental, I am entering the phase of praying to God for me to sleep and not wake up. Having chronic pains and substance use disorder has damaged my health by 50% in the last three months. On top of it, two weeks in after receiving disability payment I am out of money and bills are piling up. Unable to make appointments either due to insomnia, agoraphobia, body aches... and to those who wanted to help (now I am realizing they did not) I explained my plight two years ago when it all started for realz but nope, I aint right, it shall pass. Yes it will. Hopefully this is the last hour I am alive.
My response is gonna be mixed , not the very idk I hope it's appropriate.
I hope you won't die soon ( I understand that's not what you wanna hear )
But , if you will nonetheless. ( I am unaware of exact circumstances ) I want to express that I have thought of you often and really wished too if I could help. And it saddens me that you go through much pain.
I hope you won't die soon ( I understand that's not what you wanna hear )
But , if you will nonetheless. ( I am unaware of exact circumstances ) I want to express that I have thought of you often and really wished too if I could help. And it saddens me that you go through much pain.
Thank you @Congratsbaby
What can be done, its just how it is in this period of my life.
What can be done, its just how it is in this period of my life.
