Empathy Only Too Much... So Overwhelmed ****I am kind of graphic in this post so if you do not like it, don't read it****

[deathdestroyerofworlds]

I just needed to put it down. I have never spoken about it because I do not believe that I can be helped by a professional. Ignorant sounding, I am aware, but the one time I did try to get psychiatric help I ended up attempting to kill myself. Twice. Having someone in your life who supported you in those feelings makes it all the more twisted. The first time I cut my wrists open that deeply, she told me I did it wrong. When she showed me how to do it... I eventually ended up doing it like that. I remember feeling an awful sense of peace driving to my home that day. Peace in a sense that it was over, but also feeling the imminent dread of dying. It was impulsive and a direct result of a fight I had just had with her. I was already very sick in the head. That was the final touch. The last little push. I almost died and I still wish I would have. My life has been so shitty and pointless. Why would I choose to be transgender? Why would I choose to feel this way? Some people honestly think that I am just wallowing and if I just got a little more sunshine I would be okay. I wish they all had chronic depression. I wish they all had to suddenly switch their perceived gender. I used to say I would not wish that on anyone, but I have since changed my mind. Some people deserve it. Some people need to see exactly what it's like. There's a one in four chance they will kill themselves after all. We aren't welcome here. I'm not welcome here. My family views me as psychotic. I am afraid to ask them how they feel about me. I feel crazy sometimes and other times I feel like the most rational person in the world. My heart aches thinking about my past. My happy memories are shrouded by the truths that I know were surrounding those happy moments. Ugly beautiful things exist together all the time and I can't not see the horrible, dreadful ugliness that human beings possess along with most things that exist in life. We are all greedy, manipulative, selfish, disgusting creatures. They don't even know it. Most people believe they are good people. They're liars to themselves and to other people. This world has been created as a chew toy for some monstrous force. Why do I feel like I am at the center of that? Why do we all feel like that from time to time?

I am just so incredibly sad. I am hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and it continues to grow. It feels like it will never stop. I thought earning an MBA would be smart. That I would benefit from it. It's useless. It's hurting me. I should have never gone to college. My life is full of regret because look where it got me... no where. Doing nothing... at a nothing job. I am not proud of what I have accomplished. It doesn't matter. I just want to sleep. Forever.

 

[Walker]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. I'm curious what country you are from? Trans people are widely accepted in a lot of places now so I get the feeling you're not from one of the usual places that posts here though your English is excellent so I'm confused.

 

[deathdestroyerofworlds]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. I'm curious what country you are from? Trans people are widely accepted in a lot of places now so I get the feeling you're not from one of the usual places that posts here though your English is excellent so I'm confused.

I am from the United States, but come from an extremely religious background. I have gotten yelled at, heard comments, been ghosted after speaking with someone for months, among many other fun things - all for the simple fact that I am trans. We are eons from true acceptance. Big corporations like to boast their acceptance because it's "in", but in truth they know nothing. I hear transphobic comments constantly because it's so far ingrained in society. Gendered everything. I still see articles where trans and non binary people are ridiculed and excluded from bathrooms in schools. As a matter of fact, I saw one today. We are in the beginning of acceptance. The primal inklings of a progressive future. Right now, it's still a living hell for many, many transgender people.

 

[Walker]

I completely understand what you're saying but being trans also isn't a reason to kill yourself in 2019. Not in the US (or the reasonable places on the planet). While acceptance varies, and certainly your own familial background plays a part in that, maybe you can consider a move to a more widely accepted place. As in, if you are from UT then you could move to CA for a wider variety of people and less ignorance. Can't say much for family but they're either going to accept you or they aren't. Sometimes family is chosen and we have to deal with what we were given, which sucks, but is completely true.

 

[CateCaroline]

DDOW----- You are welcome here. These are the most non-judgmental people I have come across. I am sorry you are in such a tailspin---I do recognize myself in a lot of the "bouncing emotions" that you are expressing. By that, I mean emotions snowballing, giving you the overwhelmed feeling that you express.

I'm sorry that person gave you the uncalled for suicide tutorial. We don't need "help and support" like that, especially if I understand you correctly that the wrist cutting tutorial came from a mental health professional.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing.

 

[Alice333]

Damn man, trans and religion is like oil and water. I get it. Well maybe not in the same way but I'm Asian and bisexual (which in today's society doesn't get nearly as much hate as being trans) and my Christian family literally calls me a ****** and retarded, I can't even begin to understand how it actually feels to be trans. People paint it nowadays as if being anything other than your biological gender or straight is totally accepted and all rainbows on social media and in corporations, but that's total BS.

Anyways, what I really wanted to say is your not alone. And OMG I know I know so oversaid and I've heard a million times, kind of cheese ewww, I'm cringing. BUt like no LEGIT, like I'm 27 and I'm still stuck in about $20k of student debt not to mention car loans, mortgages, and money I've borrowed from friends and I freaking graduated from Cambridge with a degree in econ and it don't mean SHIZ. Like my whole dream was to be viewed as smart and successful by studying away until I got into my dream school and really I feel like a complete loser. It's as if everyone around me who went to community college to study land econ is getting stacks and I'm rotting away with a family who hates me. Your thousands of dollars in debt sucks I'm not gonna lie, but there are millliiiioooonss of people out there who are in the same situation even if their degree is known for being one that gets you a hefty salary.

Look man, you gotta start somewhere, I learned that the hard way. Who knew a top school would land me a current job working at a Chinese restaurant as a waitress hmm? But things do get better trust me, I've just gotten a dog and recently met a special someone who make my time worthwhile even though I had so many dumb regrets in my life. My advice, start from the square A and discover what makes staying awake worth it as you move to square B. <<3