• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

Empathy Only (trigger warning i guess) im going to end it

#1
i cant take it anymore. i’ve been abused and humiliated all my whole life, nobody ever made an effort to unferstend me and comprehend me, wo why should i? im sick of everyone, i hate everyone, im pushing everybody because im a fucking idiot, im a bad person who deserves to rot alone. i found this site while searching for suicide methods, i really dont know why im still writing this. its hard to write because english is not my first language and im exploding in bad emotions right now so sorry if i say something wrong. anyways, i’ve been abused for my uncle since 4 years (actually less than 4 years, but i dont remember vividly), my dad is extremely homophobic and im bissexual and agender, i cant find pleasure in anything more, i cant even get up in the morning, i cant get out my fucking bed, i cant even brush my teeth, and i feel so ridiculous and nasty because everyone screams with me and ridicularize me and.i dont care i hate my stupid curly horrible hair i hate my body i hate how people look at it i hate my personality, actually i dont even HAVE a personality because i spended all my life faking to be someone that i am not because im so scared of rejection and being alone and i dont know how to express basic reactions anymore, im really struggling to feel empathy and im so insensibilized with horrible things like explicit gore because i never had any friends so i grow up in internet without any monitoration and when i was 6 there was this nasty old mans and they called me horrible sexual things and i kinda liked it i. mean i didnt i felt horribke but it was the only time in the day someone praised me, im so ridivulous pathetic and i hate everything i really cant do it anymore im so stressed my partner is starting to leave me and my friends too i just explode everytime and i cant even cry i just want to cry at least but i cant do not even this, i just want to be alone and be in my bed forever i started to hallucinate and dissociate and jm so scared and everybody treats ne like crazy i just want to end it all

sorry
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#2
Im sorry this may be hard to read as it is not in your native language, but please try.

Before you are a teenager you are really still building your mind, you cant be held accountable for strange reactions to things, and any attacks or abuse can cause serious harm at that early stage, and as a teenager you are still discovering and deciding who you are as a person, hiding and pretending is normal, if a little bit of a problem, I also pretended so much at your age that the personality I pretended to be became part of my actual personality. You are in a difficult time in your life, and it sounds like everyone around you is only making it harder. You cant blame yourself for struggling when you have had it so hard right from the start. You are NOT a bad person, people in pain who think they are a bad person are usually the good ones, you blame yourself because you are too nice to blame the people around you.

You are right though, people DONT bother to get to know others most of the time, that's how people are unfortunately, but I suggest you spend some time on SF before doing anything to yourself, there are good people here, people who do take the time. Why not pop into chat some time or just talk about yourself on the forum. It can help, and its not like waiting a bit longer before ending it can really do anything more to hurt you. As a kid/teenager your world is small and you don't get to choose who is around you, there is SO much more out there, so try to hang on a little longer. *console*sadhug

I wont say things WILL get better, only that they can.
 
#3
Things can get better. I'm not saying they will. But they can get better if you really truly want them to. Please trust me when I say that there is a way out. Has your uncle stopped abusing you? I understand your situation.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

None of this is your fault. Please trust me.
 
#4
Hi I know how hard it is to hide behind a mask or a act and I am so sorry you are going through this it sound like your in a super hard time and honestly your so amazing as you are coming on here. They is so much you haven't experienced yet so please keep hanging on even for a little while
 
#5
I wont say things WILL get better, only that they can.
thank you so much. i hate when people just say everything will get better because its just seem like empty words, i mean, how could they know if things are gonna be okay? they cant predict it. but it is true that things can get better, its just seem so hopeless. its tiring to be in such a bad place mentally constantly and not feel compreended. im always scared that im just being dramatic or im just being a spoiled teen. sometimes i forget how much pain i’ve been through my life in such little age and i just remember that im not being dramatic because of my therapists, who often tell me im not being dramatic. i just lost sense that what i passed was so serious, because it became so “normal” to me.

anyways, thanks for all the words, i’ll try to remember when im feeling like giving up. :)
 
#6
Things can get better. I'm not saying they will. But they can get better if you really truly want them to. Please trust me when I say that there is a way out. Has your uncle stopped abusing you? I understand your situation.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

None of this is your fault. Please trust me.
thank you so much. he did stopped doing..,, you know, explicit things that i dont want to detail, but he stills look at me in a strange way and if im with him alone, he start to touch me (but that doesnt happen in a while since i avoid to be alone with him). he’s still family i guess, so i cant get away from him so easily... but thank you for the words and the preocupation. its nice to hear those things, i guess i really needed it, even if my mind still tricks me that its all my fault, i am too hard with myself.. anyways, thank you *hug
 
#7
Hi I know how hard it is to hide behind a mask or a act and I am so sorry you are going through this it sound like your in a super hard time and honestly your so amazing as you are coming on here. They is so much you haven't experienced yet so please keep hanging on even for a little while
alright, i will try. its hard to keep fighting against my head and no one recognizes my effort. even though you’re someone i dont know on a forum i found on the internet, i feel more comforted by your words than my own family, who claims to know me but they really dont. so thank you so much! i’ll try, i dont know how long i can keep going, but i’ll really try *hug
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#8
thank you so much. i hate when people just say everything will get better because its just seem like empty words, i mean, how could they know if things are gonna be okay? they cant predict it. but it is true that things can get better, its just seem so hopeless. its tiring to be in such a bad place mentally constantly and not feel compreended. im always scared that im just being dramatic or im just being a spoiled teen. sometimes i forget how much pain i’ve been through my life in such little age and i just remember that im not being dramatic because of my therapists, who often tell me im not being dramatic. i just lost sense that what i passed was so serious, because it became so “normal” to me.

anyways, thanks for all the words, i’ll try to remember when im feeling like giving up. :)
Depression is kinda like being lost in a thick fog. Everything is dark and empty, you are isolated, cold, cant see any good in the world (or much of anything) and you could be 5 steps from the way out and never notice it. You just need someone who knows the way to help you out, or a failing that, time and luck.

As for feeling like you're being dramatic, my sister told me what happened the first time she got back from her current therapist, (previous ones when she was a kid were worthless) she started out by describing her childhood to this woman, and the therapist stopped her looking shocked and asked her why she was smiling, the therapist told her how horrible what she had been through was, and my sister broke down crying on the spot. We mock our pain and diminish it so that we don't feel the full weight of it, because if we did, we would cry, because that is the right and healthy response to what we feel, but it isn't helpful for when we want to pretend we are Ok.
 
#9
Depression is kinda like being lost in a thick fog. Everything is dark and empty, you are isolated, cold, cant see any good in the world (or much of anything) and you could be 5 steps from the way out and never notice it. You just need someone who knows the way to help you out, or a failing that, time and luck.

As for feeling like you're being dramatic, my sister told me what happened the first time she got back from her current therapist, (previous ones when she was a kid were worthless) she started out by describing her childhood to this woman, and the therapist stopped her looking shocked and asked her why she was smiling, the therapist told her how horrible what she had been through was, and my sister broke down crying on the spot. We mock our pain and diminish it so that we don't feel the full weight of it, because if we did, we would cry, because that is the right and healthy response to what we feel, but it isn't helpful for when we want to pretend we are Ok.
im just scared of throw my problems on others, so im scared to ask for help and i also dont like to, because people always says the same thing and it makes me even more depressed, cause i feel like im a hopeless case. but its not like i could expect people to know how to deal with a suicidal, so i cant blame them

i just realized some things that happened to me are horrible because of my therapy, like, people in school used to call me horrible things and i genuinely thought it was a compliment. i was very quiet and lonely so people would mock and hit me like they want and i wouldnt do nothing because i thought that was okay. its really interesting (yet horrible) how our minds works to make us treat like our traumas are something common to everyone, it really just hits me when someone tells me that im strong for passing throught all i passed and im like, strong? why? isnt that normal?
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#10
Things can get better. I'm not saying they will. But they can get better if you really truly want them to. Please trust me when I say that there is a way out. Has your uncle stopped abusing you? I understand your situation.

DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

None of this is your fault. Please trust me.
May I ask how you know it can get better?
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#11
im just scared of throw my problems on others, so im scared to ask for help and i also dont like to, because people always says the same thing and it makes me even more depressed, cause i feel like im a hopeless case. but its not like i could expect people to know how to deal with a suicidal, so i cant blame them

i just realized some things that happened to me are horrible because of my therapy, like, people in school used to call me horrible things and i genuinely thought it was a compliment. i was very quiet and lonely so people would mock and hit me like they want and i wouldnt do nothing because i thought that was okay. its really interesting (yet horrible) how our minds works to make us treat like our traumas are something common to everyone, it really just hits me when someone tells me that im strong for passing throught all i passed and im like, strong? why? isnt that normal?
I think a good therapist is a wakeup call to most, I had a counsellor at university, I was the closest to killing myself then than I have ever been, I was truly broken, and before I shut down (just skipping over that part for now) there was a moment where I actually made my counsellor cry just by talking about how I felt. I will never forget that. I was so surprised that the feeling cut through the numb a bit. Seeing how horrified and broken healthy people can be when exposed to what we carry is validating in a way, and can be the first moment we really realise we arent ok.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#12
I think a good therapist is a wakeup call to most, I had a counsellor at university, I was the closest to killing myself then than I have ever been, I was truly broken, and before I shut down (just skipping over that part for now) there was a moment where I actually made my counsellor cry just by talking about how I felt. I will never forget that. I was so surprised that the feeling cut through the numb a bit. Seeing how horrified and broken healthy people can be when exposed to what we carry is validating in a way, and can be the first moment we really realise we arent ok.
That is touching Dante. I tried therapy three times. First time was group and a member blew up at me when I asked a question. Group fell apart. Second was a therapist who said nothing. Third one now said to me life is harsh learn to live with it alone since I am not interested in a romantic relationship because that is how people become a unit. She even suggested I try gay lifestyle to have a support group. I can’t be what I am not. She said I can’t help you. I tried many avenues to address my isolation and abandonment before covid. One failure after another. One person said I have no sympathy for you. Another said you are not family and never will be. Another said you are a yankee ( I live in south). Another followed me home at night to see if I lived in a nice enough home to befriend. Another attacked me. Another wanted money. I met one nice person. But she has a family and has no interest in a friend. I called two siblings to help me. They said no. When you run into all that in four years and you are and the end stage of life, I think the laws of nature are telling me this is it. Wouldn’t you?
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#13
That is touching Dante. I tried therapy three times. First time was group and a member blew up at me when I asked a question. Group fell apart. Second was a therapist who said nothing. Third one now said to me life is harsh learn to live with it alone since I am not interested in a romantic relationship because that is how people become a unit. She even suggested I try gay lifestyle to have a support group. I can’t be what I am not. She said I can’t help you. I tried many avenues to address my isolation and abandonment before covid. One failure after another. One person said I have no sympathy for you. Another said you are not family and never will be. Another said you are a yankee ( I live in south). Another followed me home at night to see if I lived in a nice enough home to befriend. Another attacked me. Another wanted money. I met one nice person. But she has a family and has no interest in a friend. I called two siblings to help me. They said no. When you run into all that in four years and you are and the end stage of life, I think the laws of nature are telling me this is it. Wouldn’t you?
You know how the saying goes. "It ain't over until its over" My dad had his wife leave, and his daughter say she would never speak to him again and cut him out of her life all in the same year, he was well into his 60s at this point and his own brother's family was slowly cutting him off, then his brother actually died. But he now lives with his girlfriend, has a dog, and my sister forgave him (somewhat) and he even gave her away at her wedding. Its never over until its over.
 
#14
alright, i will try. its hard to keep fighting against my head and no one recognizes my effort. even though you’re someone i dont know on a forum i found on the internet, i feel more comforted by your words than my own family, who claims to know me but they really dont. so thank you so much! i’ll try, i dont know how long i can keep going, but i’ll really try *hug
That's all you can do in may just be a stranger but I'm so proud of you fighting
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#15
alright, i will try. its hard to keep fighting against my head and no one recognizes my effort. even though you’re someone i dont know on a forum i found on the internet, i feel more comforted by your words than my own family, who claims to know me but they really dont. so thank you so much! i’ll try, i dont know how long i can keep going, but i’ll really try *hug
Please do on the keeping trying and I hope things improve for you.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#16
You know how the saying goes. "It ain't over until its over" My dad had his wife leave, and his daughter say she would never speak to him again and cut him out of her life all in the same year, he was well into his 60s at this point and his own brother's family was slowly cutting him off, then his brother actually died. But he now lives with his girlfriend, has a dog, and my sister forgave him (somewhat) and he even gave her away at her wedding. Its never over until its over.
Thank you for that Dante. How long after the losses did he find security again? And how old is he now? I am happy for him. This was your dad? Did you stay in good terms with him during it all? Thank you again
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#18
Thank you for that Dante. How long after the losses did he find security again? And how old is he now? I am happy for him. This was your dad? Did you stay in good terms with him during it all? Thank you again
He was 62, now he is 68, he met her at 66 or 67, and my sister only didnt talk to him for about a year.
 
#19
thank you so much. he did stopped doing..,, you know, explicit things that i dont want to detail, but he stills look at me in a strange way and if im with him alone, he start to touch me (but that doesnt happen in a while since i avoid to be alone with him). he’s still family i guess, so i cant get away from him so easily... but thank you for the words and the preocupation. its nice to hear those things, i guess i really needed it, even if my mind still tricks me that its all my fault, i am too hard with myself.. anyways, thank you *hug
I understand your situation. My father does some things that he shouldn't. I get your mind tricking you. Is there someone you can talk to in real life? I find it helpful to always have someone that I can always text or call when I am feeling really down. Sometimes all you even need is a reminder that you do matter. And that things can get better. But remember that they can only get better if you try. I hope that you are seeing a therapist and that you will slowly work towards recovery after this traumatic experience. You can do this girl! *hug*sadhug*brohug
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$180.00
Goal
$255.00
Top