Trying to let it go....**poss. trigger**

[~PinkElephants~]

I crave love. I crave affection. I crave attention from the opposite sex. I have figured out who I am as a person and why I think I'm such a whore. I will fuck any guy that shows some kind of interest, even if it's not relationship wise. I will meet someone new and if there's potential to possibly get some affection even if it's just sexual I will throw myself at the guy. I don't fuck for love, though I crave it. I don't make love, I just lay there and let the feeling rush over me. I know this makes me a whore. I am not okay with that, but I can't control it. I don't know if I'm addicted to sex. I don't think I am.

I haven't felt overly loved, ever. I haven't felt desired, ever. I have always felt like I was just an object. That's not to say I don't deserve to feel loved and desired. I think I do, but I'm stuck with the feeling that I'm worth nothing because of my past. Being raped did not help my situation. Before that time I was innocence wrapped up nicely. Having never even kissed a boy I fell hard into the arms of someone who just maliciously stole from me. Now today, ten years later, though I should move on I can't. I have fallen into one meaningless "relationship" after another. They aren't long term things. They are just call me when you want to fuck me things. I was never one for someone to love. Why love such an unforgiving, easy person? Why love someone who has no self worth whatsoever?

I've realized the past few weeks that I will most likely never change. I try to stand my ground and say I will not give in and I will not give up my body just to feel wanted. I know deep down inside that when I do these things I'm just a piece of ass to the guy. I know that I am selling myself short. Why can't I stop then? If I realize all these horrible things about myself, why can't I change them? I can't change because I still feel attached to the want, to the need, to the having to feel something. I feel so dead inside. I feel so unwanted and so unloved. I feel like I'm a poison. Can't touch the poison girl unless she needs to be fucked. Otherwise she's useless.

I have no one in my life that is around me that I can call a friend. I have no one in my life that lives close by that I could call to just talk to or go hang out wiht. I don't have any friends. I have Dylan and he's 8. My life is in ruins because of me being such an utter and complete whore. I know people will sit here and say it's only natural for a female to enjoy sex. It's beyond that. It's not about enjoyment anymore. It's about doing it just to be near someone. Dropping to my knees to prove that I"m good at something and worth something. Even if it is just a dick.

Gah I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

 

[Abacus21]

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Me and Terry are here for you hun - even if you feel no-one else is ... hugs

 

[resistance]

:hug: You think so low of yourself, you're so much more than just an object, a thing, I can understand why you think that way but trust us when we tell you you deserve so much more Kellz. One day I really hope you get the love you crave. I know we rarely talk, but you're on my MSN, feel free to drop me a message if you want a chat anytime hun. :hug: x

 

[~PinkElephants~]

Thank you Res. :hug: Can you PM me your msn or hit me up so I know it? I don't have it anymore. Thank you for caring enough to answer this. It means alot.

Thank you Joe as well. :hug:

Though it doesn't change how i feel it means alot

 

[ACRon]

thats a lot of drama to be experiencing, i recomend speaking to a councelor, or someone who can offer you some fresh air away from your cravings, but people will always want sex, espescially when drunk or mind numbingly stupid ive found.

 

[tintin]

:hug: kellz u can talk to me wheneva ya want hun im usually on ur not an object ur a wonderful person who has dealt with so much ur amazin kellz :hug:

 

[The_Discarded]

i hear you hun, and i know...:sad:

but you're worth much more than what you say you are. you've benefited so many and you deal with so much and give without taking and juggle things that you shouldn't have to but do because you're a good person, all the while trying to handle your own demons. even after all that, you manage to stand.

so you've got some struggles and have done some things of which you aren't proud. we all do. that makes you no less of a person and you've never deserved any of the negative and traumatic shit that's been dealt you. you create brilliance and you are brilliance. look objectively: few would be still standing if they were in your position. you are STRONG and you are VALUABLE.

i'll be glad when you see that. when you do, the other things will fall into place and you won't need to search in the wrong places for feelings which aren't really there. maybe in time you'll learn of your tremendous worth; i hope so. until then and after, you know how to find me if you need to talk. i'll listen. i wish i could do something to help. let me know if i can.

best wishes today and always,

:hug:

 

[Lead Savior]

You are one of the strongest people I know with the most to offer anyone. On those rare good days, you can agree with my vision of you and sometimes see all the amazing qualities in yourself. When you can feel positively about yourself all of the time, like Rae said, you will no longer have to search in the wrong places for feelings that end in disappointment.

You know exactly how much I care for you, Kells.

 

[Terry]

I wish there wasnt an ocean between us would be so good to just go get coffee and shoot the breeze.
Still I'm only a keyboard away :smile: