Trying to move forward

[st_91]

I haven't been on here for a few years.
Nothings really changed. Stopped therapy and meds as my doctors kept cancelling my appointments, just had enough of it all. And the people in my therapy group were really judgemental. Made me feel crappy. One to one therapy wasn't for me, it was just awkward. I hate starting conversations and they always made me start. I hate talking, never know what to say and definitely don't know what's going on in my head.
Lost a few friends once again and feel others pulling away. I just know I'm going to end up alone again.
Loads of people i know are getting married, having kids, getting their own place and I'm just stuck at home with my parents, jobless and depressed.
On a plus i lost 4stone in weight. Still a long. Way too go but my eating habits are getting under control. Occasionally pig out and end up throwing up but I'm slowly getting there.

This year I've started to do things for myself instead of trying to please others.
I'm finally putting inheritance money to use and going on holiday by myself (well on a group tour thing). Ticking something off my really long bucket list.
I'm paranoid as hell about it all but im doing it. Just hope i dont have any panic attacks or piss off other people with my moods.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Hi there, sorry to hear you feel low.

But I'm happy to hear you're doing things for you. That's some of the best advice I ever had. You are allowed to be happy and to do good things for you!

But, would you ever consider getting some therapy again? I know you had some bad luck but not all therapists are the same, and not all might fit, but it is possible to find someone you can open up to. Did you tell the therapist back then you didn't feel comfortable starting? I struggle with that too, but my therapist helps me along with it...
And if you got into a new group, there's a good chance they won't be as judgmental there as the other people were. Don't give up on yourself.