Two thirds of my family are dead, and I'm still stuck here.

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by theworstyear, Dec 5, 2011.

  1. theworstyear

    theworstyear New Member

    My father died earlier this year. He was a very old man, I knew he would die before I turned 30 but it still hit me very hard. It's not like I chose his age, you know. I lost weight, quit my two jobs and basically let myself go. I didn't care about life anymore. I still don't.

    People kept telling me that "life goes on" (and I thought "I know, that's the worst part") and that I should "let him go" or that "time heals all wounds" (how original) but that just pissed me off even more, and I shut them all out.

    So I settled in misery. We have some money, so there's no urgency for me to work. Plus, it's not like I need or want anything. Living with my mom and my sister, my only sister. Watching series and sleeping a lot. Only going out to find out more about our ancestry.

    I've accepted my reality. I have no aspirations, no ambition, no drive to go out and succeed but I was content with them, going to the beach every week and talking to them. That's all I needed.

    A few weeks ago my sister decided to hang herself. I was shocked, still am. I'd always been the suicidal one, not her.

    I didn't cry when my mom told me she found her. The hardest moments for me were when her coffin was brought into the funeral home and when I saw her death certificate. That last part made it all too real for me.

    So she's dead. Two thirds of my family dead in less than a year.

    I'm not a normal person, I've never aspired to be one. I'm not thinking "I want to finish a career" or "I want a girlfriend" or "I want to go out and see the world". All I'm thinking is "I'm scared because if my mother dies I'll be all alone, everyone that matters to me will be gone, it'll be just me in a world full of strangers that mean nothing to me".

    I'm a little jealous, I must confess, that my sister gets to die before me and my mom. That she doesn't have to bury or mourns us. She got ahead, she cheated. She skipped all the suffering we'll have to go thought.

    I can't kill myself because that would hurt my mother too much, but I wish I could somehow die without having to deal with her death, or maybe wait till she dies of natural causes to follow the three of them into the big nothing many call "the after life". They are the only thing binding me to this world.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I am so sorry about your losses...when my friend died, I felt the very same way, that he unfairly left me to deal with this world while he got to be in peace, but I decided to try to live as he would have (he was so full of life and was such a good person)...sometimes I succeed, and often I fail, but I am trying...maybe in your sister's death you can find something that will motivate you...also, seems like you have a lot of caring for your mother...that in itself, is very special...again, welcome and I am so sorry for what you are going through
     
  3. StoneRoman

    StoneRoman New Member

    I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way myself. With the people you love gone,whats the point? Im not sure what the point is but if you are not here, you will never figure it out. I would suggest meeting a wife or some friends and bring new joy to your life
     
  4. 76jrd

    76jrd New Member

    When I read what u wrote I started to cry. I have said those exact words myself.
    My oldest brother killed himself in 2001. Me and my other older brother became very close after that. Even despite our 6 year age difference. No matter what we had each other. We made a deal that we had to stay around, just because we saw how much pain we all felt from the suicide.
    Well he broke that deal in 2009. He shot himself, left no note, and left me here alone.
    My parents are both alive, not still married but quite old. I am absolutely terrified to even think of either or both of them dying. I will be all alone.
    Im not married, don't even have a boyfriend. No kids. And it is really hard to even have friendships let alone relationships. The person I trusted the most in the world lied to me, let me down, and left me here alone. What is to say what a stranger will do.
    I feel so sad all the time and have no idea how to begin to heal.
    I see it was last December when u posted....how r u doing now?
     
  5. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Wow, my heart goes out to you all. I am really making an effort to stay alive because I don't want to set off a chain of death around me. TheWorstYear, I'm so sorry...and yes those cliches are awful and only make a person more upset. There really aren't words. Sending love to you. Talk if you can. People are here to stay beside you.
     
  6. 76jrd

    76jrd New Member

    When I read what u wrote I started to cry. I have said those exact words myself.
    My oldest brother killed himself in 2001. Me and my other older brother became very close after that. Even despite our 6 year age difference. No matter what we had each other. We made a deal that we had to stay around, just because we saw how much pain we all felt from the suicide.
    Well he broke that deal in 2009. He shot himself, left no note, and left me here alone.
    My parents are both alive, not still married but quite old. I am absolutely terrified to even think of either or both of them dying. I will be all alone.
    Im not married, don't even have a boyfriend. No kids. And it is really hard to even have friendships let alone relationships. The person I trusted the most in the world lied to me, let me down, and left me here alone. What is to say what a stranger will do.
    I feel so sad all the time and have no idea how to begin to heal.
    I see it was last December when u posted....how r u doing now?