My father died earlier this year. He was a very old man, I knew he would die before I turned 30 but it still hit me very hard. It's not like I chose his age, you know. I lost weight, quit my two jobs and basically let myself go. I didn't care about life anymore. I still don't.
People kept telling me that "life goes on" (and I thought "I know, that's the worst part") and that I should "let him go" or that "time heals all wounds" (how original) but that just pissed me off even more, and I shut them all out.
So I settled in misery. We have some money, so there's no urgency for me to work. Plus, it's not like I need or want anything. Living with my mom and my sister, my only sister. Watching series and sleeping a lot. Only going out to find out more about our ancestry.
I've accepted my reality. I have no aspirations, no ambition, no drive to go out and succeed but I was content with them, going to the beach every week and talking to them. That's all I needed.
A few weeks ago my sister decided to hang herself. I was shocked, still am. I'd always been the suicidal one, not her.
I didn't cry when my mom told me she found her. The hardest moments for me were when her coffin was brought into the funeral home and when I saw her death certificate. That last part made it all too real for me.
So she's dead. Two thirds of my family dead in less than a year.
I'm not a normal person, I've never aspired to be one. I'm not thinking "I want to finish a career" or "I want a girlfriend" or "I want to go out and see the world". All I'm thinking is "I'm scared because if my mother dies I'll be all alone, everyone that matters to me will be gone, it'll be just me in a world full of strangers that mean nothing to me".
I'm a little jealous, I must confess, that my sister gets to die before me and my mom. That she doesn't have to bury or mourns us. She got ahead, she cheated. She skipped all the suffering we'll have to go thought.
I can't kill myself because that would hurt my mother too much, but I wish I could somehow die without having to deal with her death, or maybe wait till she dies of natural causes to follow the three of them into the big nothing many call "the after life". They are the only thing binding me to this world.
People kept telling me that "life goes on" (and I thought "I know, that's the worst part") and that I should "let him go" or that "time heals all wounds" (how original) but that just pissed me off even more, and I shut them all out.
So I settled in misery. We have some money, so there's no urgency for me to work. Plus, it's not like I need or want anything. Living with my mom and my sister, my only sister. Watching series and sleeping a lot. Only going out to find out more about our ancestry.
I've accepted my reality. I have no aspirations, no ambition, no drive to go out and succeed but I was content with them, going to the beach every week and talking to them. That's all I needed.
A few weeks ago my sister decided to hang herself. I was shocked, still am. I'd always been the suicidal one, not her.
I didn't cry when my mom told me she found her. The hardest moments for me were when her coffin was brought into the funeral home and when I saw her death certificate. That last part made it all too real for me.
So she's dead. Two thirds of my family dead in less than a year.
I'm not a normal person, I've never aspired to be one. I'm not thinking "I want to finish a career" or "I want a girlfriend" or "I want to go out and see the world". All I'm thinking is "I'm scared because if my mother dies I'll be all alone, everyone that matters to me will be gone, it'll be just me in a world full of strangers that mean nothing to me".
I'm a little jealous, I must confess, that my sister gets to die before me and my mom. That she doesn't have to bury or mourns us. She got ahead, she cheated. She skipped all the suffering we'll have to go thought.
I can't kill myself because that would hurt my mother too much, but I wish I could somehow die without having to deal with her death, or maybe wait till she dies of natural causes to follow the three of them into the big nothing many call "the after life". They are the only thing binding me to this world.