Type, Delete, Type, Delete ...

[DeadBattery]

Hello, SF.

I want to talk so badly, but almost everything I can think of to say is "not OK" in some form or another. But then, that's the problem. I feel like I am constantly being boxed in, restricted, corralled, or herded in a direction that someone else feels is most appropriate.

I just want to get away from it all. It's not that I expect life to be perfect, but it just seems like there should be some sort of haven (however small or temporary) at some point.

I want to scream, but I don't want to disturb anyone. And even if I disregarded everyone the way I feel they disregard me to let it out, I don't know what good it would really do. Afterwards, I'd just feel silly and nothing will have changed. If anything, such behavior would only make people feel justified in treating me the way they do.

I know what it feels like to be desperately unhappy. So, I try not to let my actions disrupt the happiness of others (I am not always successful in those attempts). I try to contribute to the happiness of others around me, as much as I can. But it seems to go unappreciated (or flat out unnoticed, entirely) and I have started to resent what feels like constantly living for others.

 

[WildCherry]

Just want you to know I'm here and listening if you feel like talking. My PM box is always open.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Hi, and welcome to the forum @DeadBattery

Do you want to talk about why you feel this way? What is going on? In what way are people treating you wrong?

Have you sought any help? Have you talked to a counselor, a doctor or a therapist about how you feel?


I hope you find some support on the forum or the chat room, and do know my inbox is open as well.

 

[DeadBattery]

Hello, @WildCherry and @ThePhantomLady . Thank you both for you kind words and for replying, at all.

It took me over an hour to type out the original post in this thread, as short as it is, because I'd type something and then delete it (I don't even know how long it took me to write this one). I suppose that might be something like "self-censoring", for which I accept full responsibility. No one is "forcing" me not to say all that is on my mind. Even so, I choose to do it out of consideration for other people. I have a friend who does not like my discussing our (xyr and my) problems with other people. Xe would probably get upset with even this post, where I have given no personal or distinctive information about xem, whatsoever (just look at my awkward attempts to avoid revealing even so much as the person's gender). That stance makes perfect sense to me, to be honest. If I have a problem with someone, I'd much rather discuss it with that specific individual than to go to someone else. However, the person I am describing frequently tries (aggressively, but not violently) to discourage me when I try to discuss our problems with xem, directly. So often the effect is that I cannot talk to anyone about our problems (which xe probably thinks fitting, since xe insists the problems are just illusions I've invented as an excuse to avoid being happy). I am expected to just hold it all in and be happy about it.

Other people in my life are less extreme versions of that which I have previously described. They are generally dismissive of matters I consider to be of importance, but they all expect their concerns to be high priorities for me. And while I attempt to share what I feel in a calm and patient manner, these people are far more likely to get upset and start yelling at me when something is bothering them. If I then become irate, yelling along with them, they act as if I have done something unforgivable; as if I have demonstrated a gross lack of self-control. There is this constantly reinforced message that my feelings, needs, and desires are significantly less important than those of the people around me. If I ask a favor of many of these people, it can wait hours, days, weeks (and that's if the favors are ever acknowledged, at all) ... but these same people, when asking the same or similar favors from me, expect immediate results and show absolutely no gratitude afterwards.

This recurring theme in my interpersonal life is but one of many reasons why I feel so repressed. It may sound small by itself like this, but it exists alongside so many other problems that it cumulatively becomes overwhelming. I have asked for help, but these are the only people in my life (I am very isolated, and not entirely by choice). And given their collective habit of disregarding and/or minimizing everything I say, think, feel, or do ... it should come as no surprise that they do not take my requests for help seriously. Professionals are, unfortunately, not an option for me at this time. I did have access to such figures, but that was nearly two decades ago.

 

[WildCherry]

What you've written doesn't sound small. It sounds really frustrating, and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. When people expect everything from you, and pretty much give nothing in return, you start to feel more and more as if who you are and how you feel doesn't matter. Just want you to know that you do matter. The offer to listen will always stand. *