Typing...

[AmberMarie]

Has anyone else ever typed out everything you've wanted to say, then deleted it all and typed it again just to delete it all again. Over and over... it's very mundane and it seems it's all i do to try and get everything out, yet it doesn't change anything. This comes from telling someone i trusted how i felt after not trusting for many decades, just to have it thrown in my face again. Now i'm afraid of saying to much, or the wrong things or just not being understood in the way i am needing to be. There doesn't seem to be help out there for me anywhere... no matter where i look, or what i try to do. i am barely functioning, just enough to keep the mask up on the outside. Going through the motions at work, then come home to a place i don't feel i belong anymore. A place i used to have pride and joy in. It took me over 27 yrs to accomplish the goal of owning a house. Now i just want to walk away from everything and everyone. To disappear...
There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think about suicide. i have taken several steps to put things in place and have several ways also in place. i guess i'm just waiting for the "right" time. however, is there really a "right" time for anything? i want to make things to look like an accident so to make it better on the stigma that will plague family. i don't want them to be looked down upon for my inability to handle life anymore.
i have just a few more weeks of this medical study left and i will get a few checks that will help pay down some of my medical bills. after that, there's just nothing. i've reduced my hours at work. Seriously thinking about stepping down as Operations Manager. i can't seem to do my job properly anymore and it's not fair to anyone else. It hurts knowing how worthless i really am, yet have absolutely no will or desire to change it.

 

[Keeno]

Has anyone else ever typed out everything you've wanted to say, then deleted it all and typed it again just to delete it all again. Over and over... it's very mundane and it seems it's all i do to try and get everything out, yet it doesn't change anything. This comes from telling someone i trusted how i felt after not trusting for many decades, just to have it thrown in my face again. Now i'm afraid of saying to much, or the wrong things or just not being understood in the way i am needing to be. There doesn't seem to be help out there for me anywhere... no matter where i look, or what i try to do. i am barely functioning, just enough to keep the mask up on the outside. Going through the motions at work, then come home to a place i don't feel i belong anymore. A place i used to have pride and joy in. It took me over 27 yrs to accomplish the goal of owning a house. Now i just want to walk away from everything and everyone. To disappear...
There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think about suicide. i have taken several steps to put things in place and have several ways also in place. i guess i'm just waiting for the "right" time. however, is there really a "right" time for anything? i want to make things to look like an accident so to make it better on the stigma that will plague family. i don't want them to be looked down upon for my inability to handle life anymore.
i have just a few more weeks of this medical study left and i will get a few checks that will help pay down some of my medical bills. after that, there's just nothing. i've reduced my hours at work. Seriously thinking about stepping down as Operations Manager. i can't seem to do my job properly anymore and it's not fair to anyone else. It hurts knowing how worthless i really am, yet have absolutely no will or desire to change it.

I used to be the same with emails OP so now i don't send any! 😁 it's just waiting my time, time is 1 of the most precious things a person can have as they gradually get older and older 😐

 

[may71]

Now i'm afraid of saying to much, or the wrong things

There's really no such thing as too much information here, talking about what you have experienced or really feel is what SF is for. It's ok to only talk about what you feel like talking about, but that's a limit that you only set yourself.

or just not being understood in the way i am needing to be.

If you can communicate what you want or need from a thread, that can help.

It hurts knowing how worthless i really am

You have inherent worth as a human being. You're also probably a much better person than you give yourself credit for being.

i want to make things to look like an accident so to make it better on the stigma that will plague family. i don't want them to be looked down upon for my inability to handle life anymore.

I think your family is going to suffer no matter how you die, or what it looks like. There's also a long list of things that can go horribly wrong with a suicide attempt, even beyond suicide itself.

The clearly good way out is to find a way to live. That may be easier said than done, but it's still true.

I hope you'll be able to find another way out.

Sending hugs

 

[AmberMarie]

my mind just won't stop! i can't sleep, i can't eat, i don't want to be around anyone! however, i am also afraid of what i will do if i'm alone... The other two adults in my home (family) have their own happenings over the next week or so. i will be alone in a cold quiet house where i don't feel like i belong anymore. i won't have a vehicle these next few days, so i can't escape into my mountains (i live near the Rockies) for some peace. There are 2 places i have found in my life i can go to destress. The ocean and the mountains. Looking up at the night sky from the mountains is amazing! i have found if i am outside at night, i always instantly look up to try and find the moon. i used to make someone chuckle every time they saw me do that. Which brings me to....

The one person i became close to and felt an instant connection with, like we'd known each other our entire lives, (which is impossible because i'm in my 50s n this person is in their 20s), and we were very close friends, being able to talk about anything and everything. Then suddenly this person says i'm "too much" and refuses to say anything to me other than work related during our 1 day a week shift change that they have to deal with me during. i already changed my schedule so this person only has to endure me once a week for less than 5 mins. i hurt deep down not being able to hear about their day and laugh, talk, share... either that or i hurt because i allowed myself to trust again! i knew better. This person did nothing wrong in reality. i know i'm too much, because i'm too much for myself to handle!

Between my medical, medications, pain, work, bills, being the only one working full time (not anymore as i just began my 1st week of reduced hours), no insurance so i can't do anymore medical testing the Dr is requesting me to get done or get my medications refilled, and to top it all off i have no support system because i pushed everyone away (they gladly left without difficulty) and no family other than a narcissistic mentally abusive mother in another state and a father who is also in another state, loves me and does try to understand, however i can't tell him anything because i feel like i'm disappointing him and that alone will kill me. (extreme run-on sentence here sry)

i honestly don't want to wake up, however one has to go to sleep 1st. i'm not sure which is worse right now. Going to sleep or waking up after sleeping... after dreaming... my dreams are too realistically vivid. i have nowhere to go till Tuesday and honestly, they can handle everything at work without me. i have worked with every staff member there and have full confidence in them they can handle anything and everything, or they have the knowledge on how to get the help they need. i love the company i work for and the job and couldn't ask for better staff. my children have all grown and moving on with their own lives. The only one who needs me around if my cat. He's a 1-person cat and tries his best to take care of me. He knows when i need medications and when something is wrong long before i do and alerts me. There's only 1 other person he will allow himself to be physically near and that's the one person i became close to. He even came out of my room when this person was in the house and went right up to them for loving pets. Shocked the shit out of all of us! i always said that "He has knowledge in what's good".

i'm just running on with what's in my head. Hoping... Wishing.... that if i got it out, my mind would calm down. i want to... no... Need to... escape everything!

 

[Mike951]

I think everyone has to have more than one person out there who can relate to and understand them. Might not be the easiest thing to find, but if you put it out there that will help. I don't really type things out and delete them with personal feelings sort of stuff. I do that with business type of emails all the time though. On personal stuff, it's more a matter of deciding to just go for it or not. Once I decide though, I just go with whatever comes out for the most part.

 

[Survivorist]

Somehow the same feeling as you - getting out and feeling well. I do this, if ever possible, every day. Nature (here mountains, forest and fields) is just too nice. I do crazy stuff too - sometimes when paragliding, being completely alone in the air, on my own risk.. its just like pure energy that comes. At home I am like you - just let time pass. So I try to do as much as I can. But writing you story down - I did that and it took me nearly 3 years. I stopped, started again, changed, read again... but now its ready. Patience there - it will come. Just do not erase it.

People who understand you? I am old now, and in all my life I found 3 or 4 real friends still around me - I mean not physically (they are all over the world) but I can reach out and talk. I do not need and expect more - this train has gone.

 

[may71]

my mind just won't stop! i can't sleep, i can't eat, i don't want to be around anyone! however, i am also afraid of what i will do if i'm alone...

I'm sorry it's like that, it sounds awful.

There are 2 places i have found in my life i can go to destress. The ocean and the mountains.

I'm sorry you can't get there, but I'm glad that you at least in principle have a place to go that helps.

I'm also glad that you love your company, have a dad that loves you and tries to understand even if you can't tell him anything, and have such a wise and benevolent cat.

The one person i became close to and felt an instant connection with, like we'd known each other our entire lives, (which is impossible because i'm in my 50s n this person is in their 20s), and we were very close friends, being able to talk about anything and everything. Then suddenly this person says i'm "too much" and refuses to say anything to me other than work related

Do you feel like it might be possible to repair the relationship if it were possible to regulate it so that it never reached the point of being too much?

 

[may71]

It sounds like the obstacles to treatment or relief are:

1 You don't have access to a car for the next few days so you can't go to the mountains

2 You don't have medical insurance

3 Even when you had insurance, telling your PCP about what's going on is difficult, because you've been wearing a mask for so long

4 You don't have the money to get prescriptions refilled

5 You don't have a support system. In principle your dad could help, but you feel like it would disappoint him to know how you are feeling.

We could talk about those things if you'd like to, but it's also ok if you don't want to.

 

[AmberMarie]

Do you feel like it might be possible to repair the relationship if it were possible to regulate it so that it never reached the point of being too much?

i have been trying to repair it. my txts go unanswered and we only talk when it deals with work. i am giving the space it seems they want. However, the family enjoys time together with this person as well, like a member of the family. i have invited them to all family things and they have declined each or came up with an excuse not to come. Only time will tell it seems. i try to be hopeful about it, but its extremely difficult to hope for anything right now.

 

[may71]

Hugs @AmberMarie

Maybe in time if things can get more stable in your life, your friend will see that and be more open to contact.

 

[AmberMarie]

sometimes when paragliding, being completely alone in the air, on my own risk.. its just like pure energy that comes.

i have always wanted to paraglide. my father n i would always go watch them along the FrontRange where the wind currents would keep them up for as long as they desired. i always dreamed of staying up in air forever, never coming down.

 

[AmberMarie]

We could talk about those things if you'd like to, but it's also ok if you don't want to.

i know i have been typing in here, trying to get stuff out. However, i am unsure if i am able to trust anyone ever again. Every time i do, i get slapped across the face with a hot iron. i'm tired of turning and offering the other cheek. i do appreciate the offer! Maybe in time...

And yes, those are pretty much most of my obstacles right now. Throw in an anxiety ridden 25 yr old (my middle child) and a husband that has been nonexistent in anything that includes me for the last 30+ yrs including raising our children.

Don't get me wrong, i have absolutely LOVED that i was able to raise my children where so many others have to put theirs in daycare or have a nanny. I got to be a huge part of their lives and watch them grow, learn, and become adults with one now also a parent. i wouldn't trade them for the world. i am no longer needed.

 

[may71]

Maybe in time...

Ok, I understand.

If you'd like, I could try to offer some suggestions about treatment even if you don't want to have a discussion. It's also ok if you don't want that.

Hugs

 

[Survivorist]

Well, if you like to see some nice Paragliding, check here https://www.youtube.com/@jensblond0076
Its from Montenegro and Afghanistan (they shot only twice on me... ha ha)

 

[AmberMarie]

Ok, I understand.

If you'd like, I could try to offer some suggestions about treatment even if you don't want to have a discussion. It's also ok if you don't want that.

Hugs

Sometimes i want to, as i loath feeling like shit... yet most times i feel like i'm just not worth it. not worth the time and effort it will take to help. basically a waist. i know typing it out n reading it sounds like a "poor me" thing... i can't help that's how i feel and i'm finally putting it out there instead of keeping it inside.

 

[may71]

not worth the time and effort it will take to help

You are certainly worth the time and effort needed to help. Please don't worry.

i'm finally putting it out there instead of keeping it inside.

I think that's actually really good!

So maybe I can just write something that I think might help, and then you could either take or not take the advice. I won't feel offended if you decide not to follow any of it.

 

[may71]

Maybe you could try writing an email to your dad. You wouldn't have to actually send it, but just write it, and then hover the mouse over the "send" button. Hover as long as you'd like. This way you're not forced to ask for his help, but it would be easier to get it if you just decided to click send.

I'll write a sample message just so if you wanted to, you could just cut and paste and it would be easy.
-------------------
Dear Dad,

I really need some help right now. I've needed it for a while, but I've been reluctant to ask because I've been afraid to disappoint you.

Love,
Amber Marie
------------------

 

[may71]

You could try writing something similar to your PCP if you've got an email address for them. In addition to telling them about your health and well being, maybe you could also explain that you're having trouble accessing care (filling prescriptions and not having insurance). Maybe they could help.

I don't know if you've tried calling 211, but they're an organization that helps connect people to social services for things like healthcare, food, employment, housing, and other services. It's not guaranteed that they could help, but it may be worth trying.

 

[may71]

These two links have some information about alternative and self-treatment methods:

Chinese Herbal Medicine and Acupuncture, World's Second Largest Medical System

Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous


The long acupressure self-massage that's described in the self-treatment methods might be particularly helpful for you.

There's an acupuncture school in Denver (I'm not sure if you're near there) that has a student clinic (student clinics are usually cheaper than regular clinics, but also usually pretty good). There may be more than one school in Denver, this is just one link that I found:
https://ccmu.edu/advanced-student-acupuncture-clinic/

It looks like they'll do treatments for $30. I think you can also get some free treatments if you participate in a study. They may also have a treatment room in Golden. Sometimes clinics will give you free treatments if you have a financial barrier to treatment, but they don't always advertise that policy.

 

[may71]

Sending hugs