Walking around and trying to stop pressing the self-destruction button.

[Unknown_111]

I'm writing again as my whole world just collapsed today. I was very OCD today and I found out today someone has been spreading rumours about me in the local neighbourhood. I think I realised who it is and the most ironic about this is that this person once confide to me about their issues and I helped them through their difficult times with compassion. Let's call this character the "The Watcher".

If my theory is wrong then I humbly apologise. I know one thing when my death comes, I don't want this person to attend my funeral because the lack of compassion that has been returned to me during my mental breakdown.

"The Watcher" went through a very difficult time in their life and I helped in my own way but if I have offended or hurt them in anyway, then I am truly sorry. This person has totally ostriched me from their life even though they walk on a righteous path. My question to the watcher even though in your eyes I am considered a bastard to you and many others but don't you follow the preaching of righteous and to help those in troubled times.

To the "The Watcher" yesI did wrong but there is no need to ostericsh the two precious thing in my life. You walk on a righteous path and on your beliefs which I respect and totally understand. There is no need to communicate with me but why should the two precious things in life be affected especially the to the one who I made a promise never to leave as I clearly remember on the 27th December 2014. Whilst I write this is person is spreading malicious gossip which I totally know.

The gossip they spread will come back to haunt them especially when the one time I confide in you about what I was doing to protect the special one in my life. As I will not receive fair justice, "The Watcher" has already condemned me to my death with any fair right of justice. To the "The Watcher" you need to realise what you practice and preacher are two different things. You have judged me already in your eyes but you need to realise you never once asked me who I was whilst you saw me suffer everyday.

You are preach and read compassion to a fellow human being but as I enter the gates of hell where I am destined to go but what I do now is a better thing in saving lives and letting others know that "The final comiitment" is not the answer. To the "The Watcher" keep spreading rumours but I will protect the two precious thing in my life if it means having to do the "final committment".

To "The Watcher" I hope when you read this I am very sorry for any hurt I personally caused you but remember my soul might have been damed now but you believed in you never once came over and asked how I was. I hope you understand this passage and once again I am very sorry for any personal hurt I caused you in anyway.

Today, I am in two minds to do the final committment as I under the most extreme pressure as my fears about "The Watcher" have been confirmed just now. I do not whether I am going to survive today as I am seriously considering doing the "Final Commitment" because of "The Watcher". If my fears are correct then "The Watcher" will have to take some responsibility for this actions and realised that they played a major part in me doing the "final committment". I hope you can live with yourself knowing that I tried my upmost to protect the two specials thing in my life who have no respect me at all. To "The Watcher" if you were in my situation you would do the same thing and protect the special thing in your life.

Once again to "The Watcher" I am very sorry for hurt and duress caused. I so ashamed that today with yours I contemplate on doing "The Final Committment". All I would say my soul is dated but don't let affect the others who I protect with my life. Surely you understand that and if you don't where is the tolerance and compassion you belief in.

Remember for every action there is a reaction. I bear no malice towards you but question yourself in how can you belief in something and not preach at the sane time,. Yes, I admit I did wrong to a fellow Hunan being but I try to make up by helping the homeless, taking people from the gutter and putting back into society and helping others here to see that the "final committment" is not the answer. "The Watcher" is going to be shocked by this passage but I feel sorry that when you read this you never asked how I was when I was at my lowest point in my life but just watched from far.

If I don't get through today then your hands will be dainted with my blood and you will have ask for forgiveness from ones who I tried to protect. I hope when they read this that they might forgive YOU but can you forgive yourself for your own actions. Like me, one has to live with their past actions e erbyday tried to become a better person. I am still here but like I say soulless and hell-bound.

To "The Watcher" keep watching but I do not make it today the you will know why........!!!

I'm sorry folks as this passage might be my last but like I say I live on a day by day basis. I'm weary of this life I live but I took a vow of silence and the impossible promise which I will honour. Like they say as I considered to be a piece of shit and worthless piece of scum, then so be it but do not let affect the precious one who I protect.

I will try my best to come back tomorrow but I don't know as the next couple of hours are crucial dependant on the actions of "The Watcher"....!!!

 

[Brian777]

Hey my friend, please stay safe and continue your story. It inspires many here to keep going on. We care about you, I care about you. Sending positive thoughts for peace in your mind.
Brian

 

[Unknown_111]

Hey my friend, please stay safe and continue your story. It inspires many here to keep going on. We care about you, I care about you. Sending positive thoughts for peace in your mind.
Brian

Brian, you have saved me from doing a very foolish act which I was going to do in front "The Watcher". I wanted them to see my do "The Final Commitment" so it would haunt them for the rest of their lives. They would have to live with their memories.

If the third party ever wonders how I live on a day to say basis knowing them I caused them immense hurt. The simple answer is " I don't". I am very remorseful in that I breakdown in natural tears of hurt and NOT crocodile tears.

If I ever meet third party I would completely breakdown and do nit think I could recover from the next major breakdown. I cry now as I write as the pain is still raw like something breaks me down. I really hate myself but I think everyday how can I live with the hurt I caused. I truly care for this person as I remember someone had a go at them, I got involved and defended their honour. I would still defend their honour today if it meant me doing "the final commitment" just to say sorry.

I am so down but thank you Brian for saving me today. It meant a lot knowing that someone understands my pain. I really care about person but I realise as each day goes by their is no future together all. All I live for is to the impossible promise and build up this compensation fund as a way of recompense for the hurt I caused to the third party.

I know I hurt YOU but I would never take any revenge for your actions. Today like from the start of the my post in this passage I totally understand what you set me to do and understand the reasoning behind it. But if you are reading this, I did it because YOU made me promise to. I keep my promises and always will. All I want to do is to ask for your forgiveness and make YOU realise that I still care as a human being and nothing more.

I know and totally understand that you consider me as a piece of shit and nothing I do now or done in the past could ever make up for hurt I caused to YOU, your immediate family and close friends. YOUR close friends can also consider me a piece of shit and rightly so. I know when YOU read this, you will consider these all to lies and more lies. I write my feelings down as YOU will realise I am a very sincere person with a heart of remorse. If not, then at least you know my intentions were geninue and would be today.

But when you hit rock bottom, like I had and still am today, you will realise that I still suffer everyday because of what I did but I hope and wish YOU all the success in the world which YOU truly deserve.

I hope I suffer for the rest of my life which I deserve to and rightly so. But you know in your hearts of hearts that I did care and still do but as a human being. I might get rambling on but it's helps me to try to move on with my life but I always seem to return to first base like in a baseball game.

YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE AND STILL DO FOR THE HURT I CAUSED. I HOPE YOU ARE READING BUT IF NOT THEN AT LEAST I KNOW YOU LIKE A GOOD READ AND THIS STORY ESPECIALLY WRITTEN FOR YOU AS I KNOW YOU LIKE A GOOD READ AT NIGHT TIME.

I will keep my immposible promise as its right thing to do to feel the pain
I caused YOU in the past and hopefully as each day goes by YOU will have forgotten me and as I suffer all alone in silence.

I cry as I write passage from my heart and not pre written before posting on this forum. I'm hurting still and need to sign off from the forum to unravel my mushed head and thought process.

 

[ghostangelcake7]

I feel the same. I often wish there was a pill to stop my existence because my life just has no enjoyment in it. I live to work and have no friendships or fun, ever. I hope you feel better though.

 

[Unknown_111]

I feel the same. I often wish there was a pill to stop my existence because my life just has no enjoyment in it. I live to work and have no friendships or fun, ever. I hope you feel better though.

Thank you for reply. You also saved me from doing something foolish. I am still down today as the next 24 hours are crucial. I really care for the third party and nothing else matters to me now apart from the impossible promise. The impossible promise wil be done as I care enough to feel the pain I caused as I feel the pain I realise I hurt the third party a lot and care for them a lot.

I live each day as its my last day and try to survive as I have no choice but to. I'm down so I need to sign off now. Thank for all the responses but like I have said on many occasions I don't deserve any empathy but write this journal to inspire others not to do "THE FINAL COMMITMENT". Simply LIFE IS FOR LIVING.

 

[Unknown_111]

Today was hard as I suffered at the hands of my tormentor. I stayed quiet but this tormentor decided to question my judgement and all the time I had to retort back fact to defend myself. This tormentor is playing mind games and trying everything to have indirect goes at me. If you look at gaze when this person looks at me, you feel the hate like the sun shining on me.

Again the mind game played by them calling me "dogshit" randomly. The conceit that this person shows as they continue nit pick at everything I do. I have to deal with person everyday.

Last week, I accidentally left a footprint on a piece of furniture and they knew it was me. I apologised for my action but I explained why I had to do it. This person ask question in a random and not specifically by name. He asked something and I thought I it was aimed at me but I put in place as they stated if I want to speak to you then I will call you by name. They asked for another person which they collectively described together as the "F1 Team" which excluded me.

With such a statement, I felt their contempt for me and that was a very hurtful statement. Too add further insult, this same person has the audacity to use his phone as a music device as well as answer phone calls privately whereas I have been completely banned during the working day by the same person. How can that be right where there is one rule for person and I treated like some social leper. I abide by these rules because in order to raise the money to recompensate the third party. It's a horrible day to day existence I live but I stick with it as I know I am surviving it everyday.

This same person accused of watching his screen so now, I avoid any eye contact because I was reprimanded by the other torementor who stated before I had my mental breakdown. "If you do it again, then I am going have you to report you." Bearing that in mind, I pay no attention to this person's activities whereas he constantly questions my actions or emphasise sine thing ?I have done wrong in order to deflect the attention from his own activities. I might classed as stupid but still least I do not build snowmen when I am suppose to be sick. Yes, I openly admit I did wrong and nearly took my life for my actions. But the extra harassment I get over a pint of milk in the past from this person whereas I noticed other dairy products which still in the same fridge are dating back to the year 2014 have not been disposed off. To me, this is a clear case of victimisation by this person even though all of this will denied happening. That's why I keep this journal going so that the general public can read for themselves that I suffered everyday and did live a life of happiness.

Even if this journal does not cone to light, it gives an opportunity to read my own journal showing what happened and what my feelings were at the time. I know I cannot run away from my past but trust me I very remorseful and I cry for forgiveness to the third party just to show I still care for them but not in the way I could. I know we could never be there together but I all I wish for is for this third party to be beaming that big smile they have and be very much radiant everyday.

I know I really hurt the third party but I would take revenge of any sort but just present them with a big bunch of flowers just to say sorry in a plutonic manner and nothing more. I want the outcome to be a happy ending for the third party and make them realise I regret what I became in the last four months of contact. Would I do the original promise again. The answer would be " YES" because I really cared for the hurt I caused and still feel today. The pain is worth it just say a simple sorry. I cannot say sorry face to face as it would bring back unnecessary duress which I don't want cause in anyway. I write this journal with the grammer and must yes as to show the compassion I am trying to the third party.

I hope like the song goes by Pharell William sings...

Here come bad news talking this and that
Yeah, give me all you got, don't hold back
Yeah, well I should probably warn you I'll be just fine
Yeah, no offense to you don't waste your time

I cry now because I had no choice but try to rebuild my worthless life everyday because I will never try to give up my life for the third party. My misery will never end as the impossible promise can be done and that's all I care about as I just care for the hurt I caused. I know in the end at least I doing the most non-sensible thing ever but if I did the original promise under the most duress ever then I know with my shattered demise I can achieve the impossible.

Some might it's crazy but what I endured was no laughing matters and others need to realise that I nearly comteplated taking my own life. I know now that " The Final Committment" is not the answer and please lead by my example that LIFE IS ABOUT LIVING WHATEVER YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES ARE AND YOU NEED TO TRY AT LEAST LIVE EACH DAY.

The sadness I feel right now is that I never had a chance to a sorry to the third party.
I know it would one simple phone call but I will honour my vow of silence and by crossing my fingers and my ugly toes. Like this image in my head of the third party that seems to be transfixed with those piercing eyes beaming with the finger pointing towards saying "If you love me, you will promise to the next target".

At least the medical labelling of "OCD" and original promise is my only line of defence. If I am that naive to do the promise then that simple makes me utter,y stupid and this so called "anti-social psychopath" as this label does not fits in any manner.

I'm starting to cry now but I will be back as soon as possible.

 

[Unknown_111]

I am so down today that I am constantly thinking how can I live life everyday knowing the hurt I caused this person. I have to openly admit I got totally infatuated with person but I done as I been told. I did the " the original promise", said sorry when I read the original post this third party wrote somewhere in the world which I read and causes me to break into tears because I so ashamed of myself and the constant reminders I get from my tormentors who hate me all time and especially who calls me "dogshit" indirectly.

I will not give this tormentor any satisfaction in them knowing what hurt they cause me all day or react on it but just write my feelings down. The greed of this person harassing and constantly back stabbing me with vile comments does do my state of mind any good. Even though this person is leads a private life but I hope the public realise I have been through hell and back. Yes, I swear underneath my breath but that's just let this person as the constant fault picking on my actions and I verbally talk about. Being verbally corrected like its some sort of point game does hurt someone and causes them mental anguish. I suffer this mental anguish everyday even this character falsely acts under the greatest pretence that that they have my welfare at heart but all they are doing are driving me to SH but I heavily rely on the elastic band process.

When this person has a constant go, I pull on the elastic band so that the stink reminds that life is important. I want everyone to know that constantly suffered at the hands of this person. This person will of cause deny all this but I hope the truth will prevail. At least I am productive in what I do everyday under the most extreme pressure I suffer at the hands of my torementors.

The constant torment causes me to breakdown but at least I worked hard everyday and everyone who know me will tell others that I was right in what I state. I hope others remind this person of this and much I suffered everyday. I hope the others tell the other tormentor about the "toy telephone" story. Of course this person will deny all knowledge but you just got to ask the person in the reception desk to confirm the truth.

I know I done wrong but at least I admitted my faults and what I did in this passage. These tormentors have made my life hell everyday to the point when I was constantly ringing helplines for support on a daily basis. I still call these helplines when I got the same bridge spot when I consider doing something stupid but I walk away every time as I know LIFE IS IMPORTANT.

The third party must realise I nearly took my life because I thought I could not fail them and had to do the "the original promise". The mental anguish I went through for this third party proves who much I cared about what I did and now to this day feel like a piece of dogshit and kept being reminded by this one individual tormentor. I hope as my world is constantly falling that others will remind this tormentor of what they did not me. You cannot deny the truth can you.m

At least, I worked hard everyday under the most harsh and extreme pressure applied to me. I think I am lowlife today but at I help others who are down as well because society does not give them a chance. Surely, that shows how much care I have for others and once had for the third party but still to this I feel the hurt I caused.

As I write this post. I still cry tears of shame and hurt for the third party because I simply care about what I did to them everyday. I don't want any empathy but the chance just to say sorry but I cannot bring myself to do it but just to feel the remorse everyday.

I cannot explain the way I feel but when you realise you met someone who geninuely you care about, you whole life and perception of life totally changes. I know I hurt them truly but I would do the original promise under the most extreme pressure. I hope the third party realises what I did and in no manner do I hold any grudge against them. They can laugh at me but they must realise I still cling to this mountain of life by three fingers and I am driven by my conviction to do the impossible promise.

It's time me to sign off and cry alone for the hurt I caused this third party.

:,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,(

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, the tormenting continued and the criticism was not nice. This torment hatred is hidden with a false nice approach. I don't now fall for such false support and behaviour. How can you one minute describe me as "nuts and needing medication " whereas the constant correcting of my comments however wrong is the right thing to do. I just have to tolerate this falsehood behaviour knowing they trying to make me drop my guard.

The cleaner I helped, recieved some good news but has never mentioned how they are going to pay me back my $510 dollars which I lent out of kindness. I come to accept that the generosity will never be paid. Like they say you will some and lose some.

The lady with daughter who I helped keeps thanking me for my generosity but received some bad news which I cannot share as I respect her privacy. She stated her daughter was the most happiest in new life and blossomed from my kindness. I said at least my money is having a positive effect whilst I suffer in my own demise. I told her that I will emotionally support as much as I can. If the money is not repaid then at least I have changed someone's life around.

The OCD kicked in today in that I was cleaning up at the local gym where I go to do the impossible promise. The big bloke who I upset last time decided to chuck a empty plastic bottle on the floor whereas the correct thing to do was to place it in the recycling bins provided. Once he was out of distance I picked up as the OCD kicked in massively. As he saw this, he laughed at me with a big Cheshire Cat and went to tell the others. The thing you don't realise having muscles and egos does not name you popular but keeping the place tidy for others. I did not do anything special but pick the rubbish as it was the right thing to do.

I am down at the moment but surviving on a daily basis. Heh, this way of life I can cope with especially as I manage to control my anger with my tormentors.

 

[Unknown_111]

Today, I am very tired as I realised what anguish for the next forty years. I will never reveal the third party as I will keep this vow of silence as promises are kept. Wearing the elastic band as artificial SH is now a way of life. I constantly breakdown but I pick myself up and it's the way of life I live. I cried knowing I hurt a lot of people Nd I do not expect to forgiven at all and rightly so. I must continue to suffer everyday of my life as I really hurt this person but the only thing that keeps me going is the impossible promise. I might not achieve the impossible promise but the third party will understand how much I feel for the hurt I generated.

I don't never to be forgiven for what I became or expect anybody pitness. If I ever meet the third party the tears of my self-hate will roll down and will make to ask for forgiveness as it's the right thing to do. My state of mind is very fragile but stronger since the emotional blackmail was completed back in June 2015. The release of this emotional blackmail was such a relief it led me to rebuild my life even though I continue to struggle on a daily basis.

The tormentor still torments me with the way they react and ignore my advice like I'm non-existence. I hope that this tormentor remembers who much he suffered under a similar regime. It's funny how the tables turn over the past twenty years.

I hope when I end up either on the street or incastrated that my death is swift and painless. I hope others do not remember and forget that I ever existed like I was yesterday trash that is picked up and incinerated in a fire. My fire will be when ?I enter the gates of hell soulless and never ever able redeem my credibility ss it was decimated by others. My credibility was smashed to bits and will never be the same even though I completed "the promise" under the most extruinating pressure and set of circumstances. I hope the others who saw me suffer everyday realise I nearly took my life at the expensive of other pleasure and enjoyment.

I will never take any revenge as I always keep my word. I just want the forgiveness from the third party but .i do not think I will e er get that as I do not want to cause any neccessary distress to them. I just hope the passage I write will show how remorseful I am and will be for every precious day I live my life.

I cried earlier but I recover like I do every time but I am down. There is no point in me living except for the impossible promise. Heh, I made the committment and I will do it.

Thank you reading my passage and I hope it helps others to see that life is important whatever your circumstances are. Take care and most important be safe.

 

[Unknown_111]

I crashed yesterday physically and mentally exhausted but I am very weary of life now but I am determined to live each day and help others who need my help. I still cry now but I know the hurt I caused needs to be healed by me for the sake of the third party. I hope the third party still realise that I am very vunberable and fragile at the moment as I live each day. Like I says to myself, new day, new experiences and try to live each day with meaning like its going to be your last day on earth before I enter the gates of hell to burn for enternity which I duly deserve as my haters expect and rightly so.

As you know the vow of silence will never be broken by me as I am consider a scum and as rightly so my tormentor keeps reminding me everyday by very subtly reminding me that I am "dogshit". Remember I might be "dogshit" in your eyes but at least I have worked hard everyday in my life as you know. I might change my name to "dogshit" just to amuse this tormentor. This tormentor takes every opportunity to make keep reminding me that I am "dogshit" but remember this I will always live each of my life feeling the remorse and not bitter everyday. Keep tormenting me as much as you want but remember the constant torment will never break me.

Like this tormentor says I am "nuts and mental" and you call that the take of care and support you get from a so-called friend. This passage might sound bitter but I write down my feelings as it releases the pain I feel without resorting to any physical pain. Too my haters, your hate for me will both be my downfall and at the same time give me the determination to live each day because I care for the hurt I caused but I will never condone to the "final committment" unless it's the ultimate sacrifice that I have to do. I will only do it if in the eyes of the third party just to show how much I cared for the hurt I caused and they will have to realise that playing mind games to achieve the "original promise" was no laughing matter and is not to this day. With such promises you playing with people's lives and even though I was mentally and physically destroyed I did not and will not take revenge against this third party.

The ironic is that I still deeply care for the hurt I caused but I question myself does the third party care for the hell they put me through. I do not mind what I went through and I still to this day why it was done as I think it set to show how much cared for this person. I did it without any malice but remember it's no laughing matter and should never be treated as that because when you play with matches you always get burnt. I got burnt to coin a phrase but I do not hold any grudges but I pity my haters. Who is laughing now. I kept my word as I did this "promise", apologised, working hard to build up a compensation fund for the hurt caused to the third party and prepared to the "final committment" as a way of saying sorry to this third party when I have done the impossible promise.

Playing with people's minds is fine as I kept reminded everyday by this individual tormentor I am "dogshit'. If I am "dogshit" then please keep reminding me "precious". At least I am not constantly on my smart phone as to this day I am proud to say that I have detox away from smart phones like I have been banned from using my phone during working hours. If that is not victimisation and horrendous persecution them at least I adhere to these draconian rules as set by another tormentor. Like someone's says I am "dogshit" but at least I am not OCD about four alloy wheels that I took a pictures of before getting my car serviced and using that as proof when the one of wheels was damaged.

Like this tormentor keeps reminding me by calling me "dogshit" that I better start behaving like one just to torment him. Time for me to do a "woof woof" and wag my tail for the rest of the day. These fleas are making scratch now.

Woof woof I'm out of here until the next K9 moment.

 

[Unknown_111]

On Friday, I dressed down by my tormentor by them telling me "Just get on with your work". I told this tormentor that they had no right in this and corrected their tormentor. This person continues to correct what I say and do like they have zone power over me. I defied this person and made sure that they knew of disliking them. I will not do anything or any harm to this person but I will challenge this person just to aggravate them. The tormentor who made my life hell is not around and I will not any grudge at this person has helped me in the past but they need to learn by my example not to hold grudges.

The weekend was tough but I went to see my homeless friend and the dog The dog me love that I miss as I know I have lost everyone in my life but I accept this as a result of actions in the past. The hurt I caused to ones I cared is not as much as the hurt I caused to the third party. My darkness hurts today and will forever for the rest of my life.

I met the young couple who were homeless because something tragic happened to me. I cared as this couple are more like brother and sister where they help each other to survive. I helped the young lady who inspired as they appreciated me for acknowledging their plight. I gave the young girl $10 dollars and that they to scrape $17 to survive everyday. The young girl liked me as I realised that homeless is all year round and not just at festive time. The girl told me to be weary about people taking advantage of me and I thanked her for concern. She does want to stay another winter as homeless. I will try my best to help her as much as I can.

I broke down last night but I am surviving some how.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday was a quiet day where I stayed quiet and broke down alone when I thought about the third party. I just hope one day I might be forgiven but if not then at least I realise as each day goes by I am less in their thoughts which I totally understand.

I suffer my pain in silence knowing that I hurt a fellow human being who only ever showed me kindness and no malice. I hope the third party is over me now and smiles rays of sunshine everyday whilst I live a life of untoll pain. I write these feelings down as it helps me to learn that I hurt this person who had a lot faith in me and I just became every emotionally entangled with. I know I deeply hurt this person and no amount of apologies will ever be enough. So keeping a vow of silence and suffering alone for the rest of life is a better punishment which I deserve.

Others might laugh at my demise but I care enough to give up my happiness in order to achieve the impossible promise. It's the right thing to do as I need to suffer with my self-hate everyday and made to realise I hurt this person deeply. I'm so down today and I will continue to live as an example to others to show that life itself is sacred. If YOU to live you dig deep and find the strength to live life.

I am still on this mountain of life holding on by three fingers and it will be a long time before I get to holding on to the ledge by the fourth finger. I know I will get there but it's going to take along time. I live life in moderation by a day to day basis.

Learn from my story from the brink of nearly doing the "final committment" that you can survive with the help of others in a physical and text based support from the SF family.

YOU HAVE TO DIG DEEP AND FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT TO LIVE. I MIGHT FALL TO MY KNEES EVERYDAY BUT I BANG MY FISTS EVERYDAY AGAINST FLOOR AND GET UP TO LIVE LIFE FOR ANOTHER DAY.

Take strength from me and let me take your pain as I suffer alone in achieving the impossible promise. I crash but I get up to prove to myself that I achieve the impossible everyday.

Be strong as much as you can. YOU FOLK ARE MY STRENGTH AND NEVER FORGET THAT.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I crashed as one of my tormentors decided to call me mad and made personal insults about me. They were very subtle about this but this shows to me the underlying hatred this person has. I think this person needs to realise that their hate will be their downfall. There is no care or support shown as this person is making sure I suffer everyday. Constant criticism is nothing compared through what I am going through. This person rightly said "Just get on with your work" last Friday morning and I will do that without any interaction with others as ?I need to keep going to raise the money for the compensation fund. I hope the third party realises that I am suffering everyday by being surrounded by these tormentors.

My life is not a bed of roses as my haters thinks that I am having the time of my life. Far from it I still suffer from the impact of the self-hate everyday and in the eyes of the third party deservedly so. I regret never saying sorry to this person and I know I hurt this person badly butI care enough about their feelings by taking on the impossible promise as way of suffering everyday of my harsh life. My life is not happiness but merely existing on a day to day basis. I cry all alone when possible as the tears of shame will never stop. The only way to resolve my self-hate is preparing for my final days. I realise now that I am very weary of life but I have come so far that I must help others and inspire new members that suicide is not the answer but remaining strong to live life.

I promise my story will continue asI must achieve the impossible promise as I have made a heavy committment to the third party which I will honour as I need to suffer for what I became in the last couple of months of 2013.

My story will continue..............

 

[chiaroscura]

You are an inspiration to more people than you realize. You don't even know me, and I am deeply moved by your courage in the midst of pain. If you don't mind, I'm going to stay with "follow" on you, as your posts are amazing. I'm sorry that your tormentor did that and if i were there, he wouldn't have a face. Okay, no violence. But just a little????? I am so furious that anyone would do that to someone who has given his life and soul to help others here stay alive, as all of us are fighting not to leave the world. The weird thing is that as I read you paragraph that starts with "Yesterday..." every word applied to my ultimate tormentor, a sadistic narcissist who is attached to me like a vampire and switches back and forth from hate to love, and i am so stupid that I believe it every time she goes with the love part (my mother). I let down ALL my defenses and that was her goal. Then IN she leaps with her Trojan Horse full of venom, and it takes me 3 days to recover. Just seeing your post and knowing that so many other people live with this kind of cruelty, well, you gave me strength. You were there when I stopped by the water stand and you gave me a drink. I am one you have strengthened. Imagine how many people haven't written to you but whom you have also given that water. THANK you for giving and giving and giving and giving. I'm your fan forever. Chia

 

[Unknown_111]

You are an inspiration to more people than you realize. You don't even know me, and I am deeply moved by your courage in the midst of pain. If you don't mind, I'm going to stay with "follow" on you, as your posts are amazing. I'm sorry that your tormentor did that and if i were there, he wouldn't have a face. Okay, no violence. But just a little????? I am so furious that anyone would do that to someone who has given his life and soul to help others here stay alive, as all of us are fighting not to leave the world. The weird thing is that as I read you paragraph that starts with "Yesterday..." every word applied to my ultimate tormentor, a sadistic narcissist who is attached to me like a vampire and switches back and forth from hate to love, and i am so stupid that I believe it every time she goes with the love part (my mother). I let down ALL my defenses and that was her goal. Then IN she leaps with her Trojan Horse full of venom, and it takes me 3 days to recover. Just seeing your post and knowing that so many other people live with this kind of cruelty, well, you gave me strength. You were there when I stopped by the water stand and you gave me a drink. I am one you have strengthened. Imagine how many people haven't written to you but whom you have also given that water. THANK you for giving and giving and giving and giving. I'm your fan forever. Chia

Thank you for your acknowledgement. It means a lot that others recognised my daily torment. I give back because I really care about anyone hurting and I want yo share my experience with others so many realise I got hurt and do not even plan any revenge but all I want is the third party to have a happy ending as they deserve that for all the hurt I caused. I don't want sympathy from the third party but I just want them to realise what I went through just to just say simply sorry. I would never ruin the third party's reputation as life is about caring for each other and NEVER causing hurt.

All I say to others keep reading as I write from my dark-heart which will never recover unless I complete the impossible promise as I have vowed for the hurt I caused which I need to feel everyday.

 

[Unknown_111]

Yesterday, I was tormented as I settled one score even this person thinks playing mind games like they did on the 14th February 2014 was "just a laugh" and just banter. On that day I broke down severely and others thought it was a "laugh". The pain is still raw to this day. They think I am holding grudges but I am not. The other tormentor was not in yesterday but the "troll" tormentor has been away for three weeks but I am dreading the day that person is returns to work where it's a nearly a year that person bade nearly made me do the "final committment" last September 2015. Luckily I walked away because why should I let this so called individual dictate my life.

The cruel words like " I washed my hands off you" and on the 14th October 2014 I remember the words which are ingrained permanatly on my rotten soul. The words were...

" We will get all the used tyres in the car and put you in them and burn YOU".

This is not torment but pure hatred. I will never forget these words and this person has to bare some responsibility to my breakdown. The constant level of insults and personal hatred shown torments me everyday but I no choice but living with everyday as I raise the compensation fund for the third party. No one can live with level of abuse.

The constant criticism is hurting and gas no doubt contributed to my mental breakdown. I let these people think I hold grudges only to protect my vunberability. I remain strong but the anger and contempt I hold is challenged towards the impossible promise. Each day I survive, like a wolf, I getting hungry for life with saliva rolling from my mouth. What I have been through is nothing and I share my experience to show others that "the final committment" is not the answer.

The one who mocks me everyday finally admitted who told them to play a prank on e. I will not tell about this personal dodgy dealings but I have settled one so hold grudge. Today, I am at peace with this person he continues to mock me everyday which I pity them. This person could be described the happiest person but they don't mind mocking for others and not realising the consequences.

This prankster even mocked me giving money to the homeless and even had the audacity to ask me for $6000 dollars for his money building schemes. The reason was because I was a generous person. At I least I am giving back to society to the poor folks and not scheming and scheming. Remember one thing......

YOU ARE BORN WITH NOTHING. WHEN YOU LEAVE YOU GO WITH NOTHING.

I preach these words to everyone to leave them with a thought. When I go I just what my soul back before I enter the gates of hell. Too my haters, I might at the gates of hell right now but remember you will be joining me as well when I do the final committment. You haters have to bear a moral responsibility to what you put me through and you will need to learn from the ramifications of your actions.

I do not expect forgiveness and rightly so. Life is about caring and not hate. I write this journal to record my feelings and its helps me from where I was and to where I am now.

I promise my story continues.........

 

[Unknown_111]

I think my days on this suicide forum are over. I think that one of tormentors has joined this forum. It looks like that I have to enter the gates of hell but if this my lastpost, I hope I have help others to see that that the "final comiitment" is not the answer. These tormentors will have to bear resposnabilty as all I want to is protect the "special one" like I made a promise back on the 27th December 2014.

I think tormentor illegally used their connections to hurt me mentally. I hope when you look at this journal you remember what YOU me through with all the vile comments but I never took any revenge and I don't hold grudges like YOU do. You used your connections illegally and in that itself is illegal.

At least I don't hold grudges, scratch cars because took a car park spot. I know I did wrong and had to live with the consequences very day. The level of criticism everyday was unjustified. I hope this journal is publicised in everywhere and you can live with yourself in that you drove me to do the final committment back in September 2015.

For every action, there is a reaction. I hope this journal is legacy to thousands of people and that when I enter the gates of hell possibly today. The best couple of hours are very crucial and dependant on this super "troll".

My revenge will be my death and the ramifications will be that the tormentors who mocked will have live my blood on their hands. All I wanted to do was to protect "the special ones". If I cannot protect them, then YOU have to live with your actions for the rest of your life.

To this tormentor, I hope the grudges your hold eat you up and hurt you as much as you hurt me in the past two and half years. Everyday, I ran support lines and no one helped me or confronted this tormenter. I hope this super "troll" tormentor is exposed by the press and the ramifications of their actions are publicised publicly.

At least, I my suffering was not in pain. I remember the constant harrassment everyday I received from the two tormentors and I want to expose these two and make them aware of their actions. I hope the public slaughter me on social media and these other tormentors. You made my life hell everyday like calling me "dogshit" and with such comments to this day I am made to feel like "dogshit".

Everyday, I feel like "dogshit" like this Judas character tells me and looks at me everyday in that manner. Remember Judas when super "troll" made your life hell and you came to me crying in the kitchen and I helped you. It's funny how super "troll" and Judas get on like best buddies even though super "troll" does not realise it was Judas who gave him the "My FisherPrice" telephone. When super "troll" saw this they immediately got very angry and through it into the bin. To this day super "troll" does not realise who it was. Heh, Judas yes I am "dogshit" but at least I own up to what I did and apologise for my actions. You cannot deny this one.... The guilt on face will be exposed as others will confirm this passage.

I hope the forty pieces of silver are worth it, even though I took you home when you got severely drunk at the Greek restaurant like the caring person I am. Judas, remember what goes in Las Vegas remains in Las Vegas.

I hope this not my last post as I am determined to keep my vow of silence for the third party.

 

[Unknown_111]

I feeling very low today because of "super troll" who thinks that they can face any ramifications of their action in tormentors reality life celebrities. They will post horrible posts on social media and think they are above the law given a relative is retired member of the law enforcement.

Yes, I regret my actions everyday but I am trying to redeem myself as fast as I can given that I feel like "dogshit" as subtly reminded my the Judas character. At least, I admit I did wrong and apologise but with your hate for me will be your downfall especially when you are trying to build a career. I hope your forty pieces of silver are worth it and remember I not bitter at your acting no and get greedy for money. It's not my fault that you ate hitter for breakdown of relationship even though you want to live a private life. You happy to expose me but you got some dark skeletons in your closet as well. I hope you get your fame and fortune by exposing me but remember that "super troll" bade your life hell as they wanted to get you "sacked" over years. I admit I was apart of that betrayal but like the Germans say "I was only following orders".

Remember when your best buddy "super troll" stalked you on the pop band web page and you successfully exposed him with your "email trace". " Super Troll" will need to remember that I bear no malice but what I do this forum hells others to see that life is important. Surely that a better use of my time but if YOU want to expose me then YOU will have to remember how you upset an individual when pretend to be
"Melinda M" and I hope other will expose this truth...... Imagine the headlines
"SuperTroll" exposed for awful remarks.....

Heh Judas, I hope YOU are feeling like "dogs hit" like you reminded everyday. You wanted fame and fortune, so I will give your desired "fame and fortune" you desire whilst all I do is to protect the "special one" in my life. I hope you can live with yourself Judas and look at "the special" one in the face with consequences of your action. I hope your feel the Judas-guilt everyday as I could not protect the "special one".

Heh, Judas I hope there are plenty of clicks in your life everyday as YOU have to live with your actions. Of course, you will forget about me and remember your words to me everyday "DOGSHIT". I feel like "DOGJSIT" because of YOU and I hope you feel every good for that exprcially for forty pieces of my blood stained silver. Keep protesting your innonence but remember I don't hold grudges at all. This passage is no grudge protest but at least I do not make snowmen when I suppose to ill.

I can hear you the ker-Ching from those forty pieces of silver. "Embrace" the moment (clue...!!!)....

 

[Unknown_111]

"Super Troll and Judas" have made my life help from January 2014 especially with the emotional abuse. I have been back stabbed by these two so many times I feel the pain in these emotional wounds. I write these passages as it me to release the anguish that these two tormentors put he through on a daily basis. If I am going to be exposed the "Super Troll" needs to think about their actions. I admit everyday I was guilty but I survive to this moment in writing in passage because of the love of this forum. I give back to others as continue to struggle with life everyday. I make the financial donations to the homeless and this forum as I trying to redeem. Once in my life I happy but I cry as fear I come so far except for "super troll" and Judas want to remove the ground from my feet and condemn me to hell.

I pity you both and I hope you exposed for what you did. Heh, "super troll" at least I can take a joke and not hold grudges with people I can see everyday.

I hope the times you record everyday about "Delboy" are exposed because you need to learn from me. "LIFE IS NOT ABOUT HOLDING GRUDGES BUT JUST GETTING ON WITH LIFE".

Please learn from my passage, just turn around to "Del-Boy" and accept their apology. Come on, you hate me as much as you want to. But learn from my experience and become a better person as you are deep in your heart.

Let my death, be a life lesson that you need to get on with people and not to hold grudges. Tell Judas that you forgive for the "My FisherPrice" telephone incident as no doubt they "shitting" themselves. Of course they will deny it but ask the others about the incident. Heh, Judas remember one thing.. YES YOU ARE RIGHT BY SAYING IM DOGSHIT BUT REMEMBER LIFE IS PRECIOUS.....

Character-assault me as much as YOU want to Judas but YOU WILL BE FOREVER BE REMINDED OF WHAT YOU DID TO ME. Opps, there goes your private life.... I would just that Google the follow " JUDAS and you name." Same goes for " SUPER TROLL".

 

[Unknown_111]

I am breaking down now whilst I write passage as "super troll" will want to expose me and when they you tell you , you are not allowed to smartphone during the working hour of the day. I not allowed to use my phone whilst "super troll" uses their phone constantly sending messages on "WhatApps" application to others in the office or constantly monitoring Facebook or other social media events.

Whereas Judas goes and makes private phone calls downstairs. Don't you think that such extreme treatment is harsh and unfair. I feel that this pure victimisation and I suffer this every working day of life whilst I raise funds for the compensation I have to pay to the third party. I don't hold grudges but I want to expose the harshness of my worthless existence especially at the hands of "super troll" and "Judas". Continue to make my life hell but when the truth is exposed then you will have to face the consequence of your own actions in the public eye.

I suggest that these two tormentors need to back off and like the saying goes " Let sleeping dogs lie" or face the consequences of your actions you do to me everyday. I hope you message each other as you make it to obvious everyday. As you made my life hell, you see that these passage cannot be edited and others will judge YOU from my side of the story. Remember you will deny all your actions but I time recorded my feelings as a log to record my feelings at the time.

Judas keep reminding me on a daily basis like YOU do. Yes, I AM DOGSHIT and I thank you for reminding me that I am "Mental and Nuts". No true friendship would say this but give support. Judas, the support you show is so false like a pair of false teeth in a crocodile.

I'm severely down today as I am going to write my feelings down....