Walking around and trying to stop pressing the self-destruction button.

[Unknown_111]

About a week ago, I used done saving and placed another $1000 dollars away as compensation for the third party for the hurt I caused. I have no choice but to save for the hurt I caused. By saving my money it might bring some redemption but this seems unlikely.

On two occasions, others have described me as a "nice person' but I don't deserve that as it truly hurts me and causes me to cry all time. I breakdown as I constantly tell others I am destined to go to hell. I met done one who was troubled and this person was facing difficulty in some circumstances. I told this person when I hit all time low back in December 2014 but I managed to rebuild a part of my life to deem sine self respect.

Last Thursday, a young lady pulled my heart strings as she needed money to travel some where. I assessed the situation and was going to offer this person a safe passage to there destination but I thought better of it. I gave her some dimes but then gave her ten dollars cash. She accepted the money but I think I was in by a false story possibly. Again, I don't know what happened but someone told me that I did a "good deed".

I crashed by that thought and that caused me get up again with sheer determination to do the impossible promise. The impossible promise has become the important in my life whilst I sacrifice the happiness of others. I try to keep the others safe as don't deserve to suffer my pain.

I know one thing, the love and care shown here to everyone of us gives me the determination to state..

I promise my story will continue.....

 

[justrob]

Thank you for continuing your story.

 

[Unknown_111]

Last Saturday, I crashed as I upset a stranger as I intervened in a social situation but it back fired. I cried for being stupid but I went back to location to amend situation by apologising but this was refuted. I have learnt since joining this forum to just walk away from such a situation.

Over the past couple of weeks trying I have trying to battle my forever ending suicidal tendencies by working hard and doing long hour to just to pass the time and keep myself busy. It's hard but the long hours stops me from looking methods and also using my realtime experience to help others over come the battle with "last committment".

Again, there certain tormentors who wish me not succeed. There is one individual who thinks that he has the wool over my eyes nearly causing me to take my own life back in September 2015 by making a stupid comment. I have to stay strong everyday because of this one individuale who thinks they has power or some sort of control over me. It's a typical emotional bullying tactic. This person has a dark side which they sort of laughs about. I am getting physically stronger and I will take this person on to protect the three most precious things in my life.

I know I did wrong in the past but I trying but make quick amendments. This person thinks it's fine to troll others on social media. I hope if this story ever gets out in the public people will read this passage and realise what daily hell I have to face with. This individual and associates will realise how much mental torture I have been going through. At least I know from the bottom of my heart how much pain I caused and still regret what I did everyday of living life. I have made a vow to stay silent to the third party and will keep this because it's important even though certain individuals think they mighty than life itself.

If I do end up taking my life by doing the final committment then I hope the masses read what I being through so far with my daily struggle. These individuals make my living life hell everyday but I am determined not to give in. I hope social media crucify me and that these individuals are also hounded knowing that they caused me so much pain. At least, I did not take any form of revenge to the third party but others here.

I don't know if this is my last passage having to live with daily torment but I want others to realise that I walked bear footed in a thorn of roses causing me to emotionally bleeding everyday but not a bunch of roses. I might be destined to the gates of hell but I am determined to battle everyday. No one should be emotionally bullied everyday like I have as playing mental games can have such a detremential effect on individuals or their life. I hope others realise that I suffered and it caused me to crash on many occasions mentally. I will let others point the finger as these individuals and ensure my words are read others.

Life is about helping others not causing hurt. I know I caused a lot of unnecessary heartache to the third party but I vow to battle everyday to keep my word even it means me doing the "final committment".

I struggle everyday like many others on the forum but all together we must fight for our right to live and pass on this message to others by spreading this message. LIFE itself is very important and that includes EVERYONE IN THE WORLD NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR, SEX OR ANY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES. ALL OF US ARE APART OF THE HUMAN RACE.

REMEMBER LIFE IS IMPORTANT AND THAT INCLUDES YOU.

I promise my story will continue as "promises are kept and never broken"........

 

[Unknown_111]

It's being sometime since I have updated my thread, I am surviving by working long hours as it keeps me from doing something stupid. I am breaking down constantly but when YOU have no choice but YOU to continue the fight for your life,

I really let myself down as on a principle I broke one of the promises but I had no choice as I was pushed into a corner. Breaking this what I call an oath in my opinion really tore me apart inside but I will my word. It caused me to breakdown but as ever like everyone here YOU get up and start the process of getting up and surviving another day, My life might be hard but I am determined to succeed in life.

The suicidal tendencies are still there to this day but I asked a lot of mature and wiser people what is there secret of long life. I was told by several people that to forget the past, don't plan for the future but TO LIVE TO FOR THE PRESENT. I thought about the "THE PRESENT" statement and to me that so true. I live on a day by day basis and to me that's now my way of life now.

Others might disagree but I have now lost my soul but am one a one way ticket to "HELL" because my total stupidity and the hurt I caused to the third party for I did. Yes, the OCD theory might apply to this constant repetition of mentioning the third party but having lived undiagnosed for my life, I can now understand the condition and looking back at past experiences, the symptoms have explained my obsessions about certain things.

I might be "OCD" on my suicidal tendencies but that in itself, like others here (I hope) is a continuous battle everyday. Like YOU, I battle these thoughts but when YOU are presented with ways to carry out the "final committment" it's not a nice thought process but a contionus battle. Perhaps I have been watching too many battle movies, but LET US CALL ALL SHOUT OUT THE BATTLE CRY FROM WITHIN OURSELVES AND TRY TO CONTINUE THE BATTLE FOR LIFE.

YOU MUST FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE FACED WITH. REMEMBER WE ALL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT CONTINUE TO BATTLE EACH DAY...!!!

One last thought, given humans have evolved from ape-like creatures like Darwin's theory but might have been better of evolving from cats. Just think we would get nine chances of life rather thank the ONE LIFE.

YOU HAVE ONE LIFE, SO PLEASE CONTINUE THE FIGHT FROM WITHIN AND TOGETHER WE CAN ALL SURVIVE.

LET THE TEARS ROLL YOUR EYES BUT KEEP THE HEART BURNING WITH FIRE FOR YOUR LIFE.

PS. If you suffering from heart burn at the moment please seek advice from your local drug store....

PSPS. I promise my story will continue......

 

[Unknown_111]

I felt very down last week and especially yesterday. I have to terms that I may lose the three most precious things in my life. If that happens then I understand that's apart of punishment I deserve but it shows that I am prepared to lose everything I dearly care for as apart of never betraying the third party. Some others who might read this will think this a lie but its not.

I got down yesterday especially because I know that I can just make a phone call to resolve my issue but I decided against it. The main reason for not doing so, is that I do not want to cause any ill feeling or bring up any bad past experience for the third party. I am very determined to let the third party to happy very day of their life without any involvement or reminder of me. It's right thing to do as not disturb the past.

Like I have said on many occasions, I feel like that I deserve to bury myself into the ground by picking the soil and placing it over me. This might sound ludrious but that how much I care for the third party as a fellow human being for causing that person so much hurt.

I know I need to feel the hurt I caused for the rest of my entire life by doing the impossible promise. I know the pain I caused but perhaps it will make me realise the hurt I must feel for the third party. Slowly I will succeed in doing the impossible promise as each day I must suffer for hurt I caused.

Like on many posts.. I promise my story will continue.....

 

[Lara_C]

Others might disagree but I have now lost my soul

If this was true you wouldn't be here doing what you do.

I know I need to feel the hurt I caused for the rest of my entire life

I hope for as long as you think this, you get the strength needed to bear it.

 

[Unknown_111]

If this was true you wouldn't be here doing what you do.
I hope for as long as you think this, you get the strength needed to bear it.

Your words mean a lot and thank you for kind generous words of support. It really means a lot to me and I will cherish them as a reminder to resolve my pain.

 

[Unknown_111]

Last week was very hard but I continue to live on a daily basis. I know that my life will ever be hard and the pain I bear is natural justice for the hurt I caused.

The only things that matter are the impossible promise for the third party and the continuing my help on this site to show how remorseful I am. I broke down over the weekend and then decided to dedicate my life to this forum.

From what I have gone through I now realise that LIFE IS VERY IMPORTANT and nothing matters.

This might be a short passage in my daily struggle but I promise my story will continue.

VERY SIMPLE.. IF I CAN SURVIVE THEN YOU CAN. KEEP FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.

# YOURLIFEMATTERS

 

[Unknown_111]

Further update. I have been busy lately at work working long hours on purpose in order to stop my suicidal tendencies. I think I have now lost the three important things in my life but heh that's a price YOU pay for being very stupid. I act on purpose to protect these three precious things in my life. If I turn these against me then that's fine as it was not intentional to hurt them but I acted to protect them from anything that happens to me in the near future. If they get to read this personal then I have sorry for the torment and hurt I caused YOU. It was not intentional but a deliberate way to protect from any outcome in the near future. YOU can hate me as much as YOU want to but deep down YOU know I deeply care.

Anyway, the OCD kicked in heavily in that I am now doing home repairs in order to keep my mind occupied and stopping me from doing something stupid. It's being a year since I broken my ankle and it going to take time to recover to start to run on the ankle. I am now going to the gym regularly in order to complete this promise and achieve the impossible.

I breakdown constantly not knowing whether I going to here tomorrow. I recently travelled on a ship and could see my worries and the bottom of the sea. I was thinking sociologically I could bury my bad memories in a imaginary treasure chest (Being reading and watching too many pirate movies recently) and throw away the key. But like others who might want to do the same, the treasure chest keeps opening and the bad memories cause me to breakdown. Having made a 67% recovery from a mental breakdown, I try to live each day my trying my best but who knows how long I have got left here on this planet but I hope to be still here in several years.

Like I say on many of my passages.. I promise my story will continue....

Again, to three precious things in my life, Im sorry.....!! :,,,,,(

 

[Unknown_111]

This week, I have been busy at work trying to avoid the thoughts of suicidal tendencies. Keeping busy and occupied helps me not to crash. Working hard makes me physically tired mentally and it helps me to get a couple of sleep but the overthinking about my situation keeps me awake (which I personally think I deserve). I got angry today and I met a bigger person in size. I was entirely at fault and apologised for saying something totally stupid, taking the blame and calling myself the same terminology.

This person threatened me but respect to him he walked away. I was left helpless but this person had every right to be angry.

It caused me to crash severely and end up crying again about my dilemma. I am entirely to blame for current situation and no one else. I lost so much self-respect as the overall situation has caused me to have no self-respect at all. I think this lack of self-respect was caused by associates of the third-party who compared me to a despised character of society.

This comparison caused me to destroy my inner soul and self-worth. It deems me to cry every time I breakdown. It's true what they that YOU must make amends for with your past but I think I have already paid enough in having a complete mental breakdown and still recovering from this breakdown on a day by day basis. The only that saves me daily is this forum and the care I show to others here.

I know in ten hours time it will be a new day and I can start again on a new day. I learn from the current crisis and try not get hurt but if my time comes to do the final committment, I know deep down I kept my word as well as suffering at the same time.

I might be down at the moment but I know I will survive but at least I have to resort back to the elastic band. This will stop me from self harming myself but heh life might be cruel. I know I breakdown on to the floor to my knees but as usual I get and fight for my life for another day.

Your folk are my cure and I will try to survive as I can because I know I have suffered so much but I need to share my experience to show others YOU CAN SURVIVE ANYTHING.

I will keep my word as long as I have to in order not to betray the third party. I might suffer but others will need to realise what they put me through and I want the rest of the world to read this journal whether I am in hell crying for my stupidness or still suffering whilst I am alive.

I promise as ever my story will continue.........

 

[Unknown_111]

I am compelled to write again after a night of tooing and throwing in my sleep. I am trying overcome the back thoughts in my mind where all I still see now a picture face of the third party pointing a finger at me and telling me to do it he impossible promise to prove my devotion to this person. I cannot break the emotional bond even though I try everyday to forget about the pain and hurt I caused.

I feel that I still emotionally hand cuffed to this person by doing the impossible promise as nothing else matters in my life. My life is virtually destroyed in terms of self-worth and dignity. I only survive because of this forum as I must give back everyday as it sheer hell to deal with my situation and also to share my experience when someone pushes to the "final committment. They must remember everyone is fragile. Also there is a mental limitation to where beyond YOU can mentally and physically breakdown a human being. Similar to a butcher slaughtering a dead animal to be meet the demand of others in the human food chain.

I have fight these "suicidal tendencies" everyday but what choice do I have but keep battling everyday. I still am crying now to the point where I want to do something stupid to end my nightmare but I won't because the impossible has to be achieved until I naturally die or at least attempt doing it.

Remember I call out the battle cry of "LIVE LIFE AND MOVE FORWARD TO FIGHT FOR ANOTHER DAY."

I promise my story will continue.....

 

[justrob]

Sorry to hear your problems sleeping. Poor sleep is the only thing I still suffer from. I consider myself lucky, but I understand what a bad night can do to a person.

Hope you are distracted from your thoughts today. Stay safe my friend.

 

[Unknown_111]

I keep fighting very day as each day is very hard as it seems like the movie "GroundHog Day". I disguise each day with false laughs and smiles. I try my best to overcome my suicidal tendencies but it's very hard everyday. I keep looking at methods but sometimes the battle is hard to continue. I constantly crash mentally and I fight by chipping away at this "impossible promise". Nothing else matters now as I am determined to keep my word even if it means losing everything I care about. I have learnt over the years that YOU must never betray anyone who trusts you with their secrets or life. I will keep my word and never betray this third party. In that way, the third party knows I that suffered but never discussed their business. I might live a life of sadness or unhappiness but that is through my choice.

What I have experienced over the past four years has been pure hell but perhaps the third party's associates might think I deserve that as a result of stupidness. If I take my life one day which could be tomorrow, next week or in five years time, I know I suffer everyday with not holding any grudges to anyone.

I might be rambling on but expressing my feeling helps me to live another day but who knows whether it might be my last day but heh I have keep strong for others on this forum and the impossible promise.

Thank you reading my ramble. I promise my story will continue.....

 

[Petal]

I might be rambling on but expressing my feeling helps me to live another day

Ramble all you want my friend, that is what SF is for and was made for. Keep talking and express your emotions as much as you want to and need to.
YOU are amazing. You are the light that keeps on shining for SO MANY people here, you are god-like You're heaven sent. The time and effort you put into making someone's days or life better is beyond remarkable not to mention the welcoming of all members and donations. Please know it works both ways, its a two way system, we are here for you too anytime, just yell Keep on being you

 

[Unknown_111]

Ramble all you want my friend, that is what SF is for and was made for. Keep talking and express your emotions as much as you want to and need to.
YOU are amazing. You are the light that keeps on shining for SO MANY people here, you are god-like You're heaven sent. The time and effort you put into making someone's days or life better is beyond remarkable not to mention the welcoming of all members and donations. Please know it works both ways, its a two way system, we are here for you too anytime, just yell Keep on being you

Thank you Petal, you message means a lot to me. It helps me to deal with sea of emotion and remember YOU are also a bright shining star with a pure heart of gold.

 

[Lara_C]

Remember I call out the battle cry of "LIVE LIFE AND MOVE FORWARD TO FIGHT FOR ANOTHER DAY."

I might live a life of sadness or unhappiness but that is through my choice.

I'm so glad you chose Life, and that despite your on going torment, you're here to affirm every day that Life is a precious thing, but please also have hope that one day your heart will heal.

 

[Unknown_111]

The past couple of days have been hard but I continue to struggle. I'm in a mixed level of emotions. One minute I crash heavily and the next moment I recover by mentally trying to break these shackled chains of burden I carry as I punish myself like no other human being. I will try to live everyday as I constantly get ridiculed. I fight back by being very nasty so I keep my guard up. I don't care about these so-called friendships as you know your true friends who help in your time of need.

Each day is hard but I survive because I have no choice. I still try to do this heavy committment as I have no choice. I know I will do it because I simply care for the hurt I caused. The care I show here is no different about everyone I hurt in my life no so much as for the third party. Even though I have no more connection but I feel that I must feel the pain I caused for the rest of living days until either I do the "final committment" or die at the hands of others. I will take punishment as I deserve it but I know others will read that I suffered and not had it easy. I will use my life changing experience to help others to see HOW IMPORTANT LIFE IS.

You folk given me the determination to strive to do the impossible but also to help others in their times of despair.

I promise my story will continue as I continue to live on a day by day basis not knowing if I am going to be here tomorrow.

IF I CAN SURVIVE THEN YOU CAN AS WELL.............

 

[Lara_C]

Even though I have no more connection but I feel that I must feel the pain I caused for the rest of living days until either I do the "final committment" or die at the hands of others. I will take punishment as I deserve it but I know others will read that I suffered and not had it easy.

If only you would accept the freedom and peace of forgiveness.

 

[Unknown_111]

If only you would accept the freedom and peace of forgiveness.

Thank you for the kind words. One day this might happen but I have to stay strong for myself and you folk. I know I have suffered but I must help others.

 

[Unknown_111]

It's been over a month since I have updated this passage. I have been working long hours in order to pass time and keep the suicidal tendencies at bay. The impossible promise is my main focus and its hard but I am determined to keep my word. The physical and mental anguish I suffer by doing this promise teaches me to become a tolerant person towards the third party and never to seek any revenge. Even though I am sacrificing the rest of my life to doing this promise it will be done no matter how stupid it sounds I have to keep my word. Living life means sometimes YOU have to do something to protect the ones you really care about even you show a lack of care in order to protect them. I suffer because the "special one" has no need to suffer at my expense.

By helping others, it helps me to deal with what I have to face with one day. Perhaps it may never happen but I will always be remorseful for the emotional hurt I caused. People may read this passage and this words are all false but I know from the bottom of heart I am very sorry what I did. I think the biggest punishment I can suffer is having to live with I had done everyday of my life and ensuring I feel it by doing the impossible promise. I know if I keep my word then some of the readers will realise that I suffered as expected.
By battling each day I know one day I will achieve the impossible promise and it well worth doing. I treat each day as a new day and help others to see that when YOU HAVE NO CHOICE YOU FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE. I BATTLE CRY EVERYDAY TO SURVIVE BUT NOT KNOWING WHETHER I AM GOING TO BE HERE THE NEXT DAY.

PLEASE WHATEVER STRUGGLE YOU ARE GOING THROUGH PLEASE REMEMBER WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT AND TOGETHER WE CAN SURVIVE THIS TURBLENENT SEA OF EMOTION. SO PLEASE LIKE ME FIGHT FOR ANOTHER DAY.

I make this promise that my story will continue........