Walking around and trying to stop pressing the self-destruction button.

Unknown_111

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Sweetheart I have read this whole thread here and whilst I hugely apologise at not recognising or understanding your pain I truly see that there is huge pain there. Iโ€™m sending a simple but much meant hug and am here if you want or can PM me xxx
Thank you for your kind words. It means alot as everyday I get low but writing here helps me to relief any pain I suffer.
I share my thought to help others to see that they are not alone with such feelings. Its important to continue to fight for life as #lifematters.
 

Unknown_111

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It's being a while since I have updated this. Life is hard as to suppress these feeling that remain. I keep busy by working hard everyday as it helps me to come to terms the hurt I caused to the third party. I have decided again to repeat the original promise as a way to show remorse and way to say sorry. I feel that I must feel the hurt and pain I caused. The task I undertake is very hard but I am determined to show this person how remorseful I am and that I will never betray them.

I have a desired self coping mechanism by being defensive and at the same time help others here. The help I give is to show others no matter what experience or situation YOU are facing #LIFEMATTERS and that's what YOU have to always remember.

My life journey will continue. No matter what I face I know that I will keep fighting for my life everyday. I know one thing, if I have saved one life from doing the final act of commitment then my life will be living.

We all struggle on a daily basis but together WE ARE FAMILY. Quite simple.

#LIFEMATTERS
 

Unknown_111

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All week the emotions are up and down. I kept myself busy at work which suppressed the ideations of suicide. I find that keeping the mind active it helps YOU get through the day. In the evening doing the impossible promise was mentally and physically challenging. Perhaps people might think I am stupid but when I say I will do something even if its becomes a matter of life.

People need to realise that when YOU push someone to the point of taking their life then they need to realise actions are louder than words. I might have suffered mentally but when YOU hit rock bottom YOU have no choice but to be strong and fight for your life. I keep fighting everyday and thats all I can do as thids is the mind set I have taken on. I might suffer in vain but I have had to fight from within to become a stronger person to continue my inner demons on a daily basis.

Anyway I met a person yesterday who was down on their as they had their luck. I offered this person a lift back to their accommodation. As I am soft touch I lent this person thirty dollars to help get through the weekend. Tbe person appreciated it and stated that I had a good heart. Such words destroyed me at the time and made me think about my situation. I had no choice but to suppress my feelings and continue with my business. I will continue with my living on a day by day basis. #LIFEMATTERS

My story will continue as I am determined to live my life.
 
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Unknown_111

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The holiday period has been spent doing the impossible promise. At the sane time I recieved some bad news about the passing of someone who gelped me deeply throughout my life. I could believe this person had gone. This person truly helped me during the lowest point of my life. It will be really hard to cope without this person.

Again. I must find the strength to continue my life and try not to the final commitment. I know that I state that a surviving on a daily basis but what choice do I have apart from either choosing or death. My life is still determined by the third party but I know if I keep my word by doing the impossible promise then some people might forgive me. If not then I know if I have to the final committment then I will leave a legacy here knowing that I have helped people to survive. I want the world to read how much I suffered but did not cause hurt to the third party. I know that #lifematters.
 

Were all together

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SF Supporter
You are showing incredible strength. And, I admire you for that. It's not easy going down your path. And, most would have already given up. You come across as a writer to me. Perhaps you should document your journey. It may help you get by. And, who knows maybe others as well.
 

Unknown_111

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Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
You are showing incredible strength. And, I admire you for that. It's not easy going down your path. And, most would have already given up. You come across as a writer to me. Perhaps you should document your journey. It may help you get by. And, who knows maybe others as well.
I show strength as I have no other choice but to show others that life is important. I will continually fight for my life and keep apologising for the hurt I caused to the third party. Many think I deserve to die in my opinion but I continue to fight for my life. Its important to others when YOU are at the lowest point in your life then YOU fight for your #life as #lifematters.
 
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Unknown_111

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Staff Alumni
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Today I have broken down again due personal circumstances. I feel like my feelings are bubbling up. I have just has a massive breakdown and I feel I back to square one. I am so down but again I must find the strength to continue my life. I am so determined to live each day but I am having to start it agsin.

I know one thing that simply #lifematters
 

Sassy Cat

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Today I have broken down again due personal circumstances. I feel like my feelings are bubbling up. I have just has a massive breakdown and I feel I back to square one. I am so down but again I must find the strength to continue my life. I am so determined to live each day but I am having to start it agsin.

I know one thing that simply #lifematters
*hug*hugtackles*grouphug2
 

Unknown_111

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Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
Thank you. I needed that so much. Its so endearing knowing that people care for me. I am trying so hard today to keep my s**t together but finding it hard at the moment.

I must survive as I have no other choice apart from the final commitment. I dont want to go but when YOU have no control of your life what choice do YOU have. My life is being dangled around by a third party. I feel that I am battling everyday with people who decide my fate. My fate is not in my hands no longer but again I must find the strength to live for each day. I want people to read and realise who much I suffered with no thoughts of revenge to anyone.

One thing I have learnt about life is to live and let live. I am writing from the heart not knowing if I am not going to be here tomorrow. If not then people need to know how much I suffered without any malice. I learn that I must be the better person and forgive the people who I have hurt. I am not or wishing redemption but just writing my thoughts in realtime.

Again as ever.. I must bang my fists to the ground and draw more inner strength to live today, tonorrow and the next day. I know that I must keep fighting for my life. It very simple as #lifematters.

Please everyone draw strength from me and simply learn as I continue to surive then SO CAN YOU.

I keep my word, my story will continue as its very important to do.
 

Unknown_111

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Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
Its been a couple of months since my last post. Each day so far has veen the same. If I had to describe each day as a colour then it would be the same colour. ie. Battleship Grey.

I battle myself each day with my demons but honestly to say five years on I can say I am still here. Like in the Flash Gordon movie... "HE'S ALIVE...."

I have seen the homeless that I have helped over years. I sometimes think some took advantage of my generosity but that does not matter as I did not mind helping. I have given out alot of dollars and nickels. To hand out money and see someone's face lighten up gives me hope for my future.

In the past couple of months, I lost someone who gave me great support in my darkest years. I really sadly miss this person and they have left a massive gap in my heart. I will always cherish their help in the past.

As each day has been hard, I have managed to keep surviving by doing the gruelling "the promise" which is hard but nearly cost me taking my life. But with my hand on my heart, I can honestly say I am so sorry but I did it. And I am still doing it now everyday. Its very hard but I am driven my determination and the amazing people on this forum. The #SF_FAMILY.

We all battle with our own demons and situations. We all come to a point where we are crying out for help and there is no one there. Wrong, this forum is here for us all and we help each other in our own way.

By helping we its shows how each one of us are caring and no doubt we take the powe of kindness knowing all us of us have saved a person from doing the final commitment.

Who knows when I will next post but I will continue fighting my demons in my darkest hours. I have many kind friends who help me in my darkest hours now and in the past. I might face dark hours but I am damned and determined to overcome my feelings. Its very simples like a famous meerkat would say. #LIFEMATTERS
 

The Tigress โ™ก

โœฎ You are worth it โœฎ
Staff Alumni
Hey hey hey ! It is soooo good to hear from you again! Just wanted to thank you for everything you do.. Every. Single. Day. YOU are a special member of SF and YOU will remain in my heart since the first day I join SF.
Have a great day.
Take care and I hope to hear from you soon. *hug
Supporting #LIFEMATTERS
 

Unknown_111

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Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
It has been over 19 months since my last update. I got to say that life was fine in 2019. But like for everyone 2020 my life has been turned upside down. Home-based working for six months has caused massive anguish as I am now at the point of hating my work. I spend about 11 hours at the table trying my best to do my job to the best of my ability. At the moment I look forward to the weekend where I can try to relax gearing myself for the next week of work. Every day is hard but like before when I was at my lowest point in life I battle on a daily basis. My confidence level hits rock low but again I bang my fists on the floor to motivate myself to ensure I live life and nothing else matters. Its taken me a long time to realise that's a job and nothing more. If I end losing my job due to the stress then that's fine. It will able me to refocus my life on continuing to live and not to do anything stupid. The unnecessary stress that I suffer now will hopefully subdue but writing my thoughts releases my inner anguish. Thank you reading now and remember that life is important and never forget that. Take care until my next post whenever that's going to be.
 
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