What do I want?

[Forgotten_Man]

What is it I want in life? I am no longer sure to be honest. Do I just want to give up and be alone? Do I want to change, what do I want to do? Why am I so confused? My mind gets to easily distracted from the answers I want. And when I do not know something my mind does not want to rest. Really right now the only thing I know I want is a Vasectomy. But beyond that I do not know what else I want. I know that I am very much so not in control of my life. No I am still letting fear rule it. Just as an excuse to be angry. I get advice and shoot it down when it is not what I want to see. I ask questions and get angry when I do not get the answers I seek. What more is there to life that I need to learn. It is taking away from my studies, my mind cannot focus. Why not of all times, why does it have to happen now when I need to be focused the most?

Why do I turn down the help I ask for? It is because I ask for help on one thing. And then when that one thing is shot down and stepped on as wrong I get angry. I make rash decisions, I am just stupid. I feel like I am losing my mind. I go off and yell and scream and try and think I am right. No more than a little kid who does not know better. Am I just a child in this world? Do I not know any better? Right now I just want to curl up in bed and die for a short bit just long enough to kill the memory cells created over these past few angry days.

I keep making decrees one after another. I seriously think there is something wrong with me. I posted a few days ago that I was wrong but am I really wrong? Was I right, was I just trying to make myself feel better? Can I not decide on something? Can I not stick on something? I just do not know what to do :',( I am so alone and cold. I push people away, I look for pity, even as I posted my independence from people. What do I want? I have pretty much no where to turn, I only have my online friends to turn to those who I feel are closest to me. I look to their text once again because I do not know what to see in my own.

I wish I could just say "I am going to focus on school". But I cannot my mind is so full of thoughts and energy. My geninuen human desires stop me from just focusing. I can only take so much weight before it crushes me. What do I do? Do I quit do I keep going do I stop and smell the roses? Do I pick up a rulebook and actually read it? What do I do to make myself happy? Can I really be happy? I am the main one holding myself back this is something I know. Why do I blame it on the rest of the world? Why do I stop caring about all around me and pretend I am the center of the universe? Who can I turn to for help and support? Who can I ask to show me what I do not already know? Who can help me find what I want in life? I have always thought the answer was me. I am the one but I cannot seem to find the right answer.

I need some help but where can I get it? There are very few people who I can go to in this world. So to my friends, can I ask for your help once more? Can I ask for you to forgive my ignorance? I just need a cool down, school should help me do that. Please my friends I am very sorry for how I might have hurt you. I know I am throwing my weight onto your shoulder but my weight is slowly crushing me. Please help me if you can or want too.

 

[~PinkElephants~]

Bare with me hun because I am in a mood where I think my post will be as long as yours.

Pain, anger, and every emotion possible tend to pop up when you least want them to. They disrupt any meaningful things you are trying to accomplish. As for what you want in life on’y you can decide, no one can do that for you as I’m sure you know. I ask questions sometimes and I get angry at the answers given if it’s not what I want to hear, but sometimes those are the best answers even though we don’t want them. May I ask why you want a vasectomy? How come you don’t want children in the future? If that’s pressing an issue you don’t want to talk about, by al means tell me to stuff it.

Often times people turn down help because they feel they aren’t worthy of that help, even if they do ask for it. You are not stupid Forgotten, maybe a little lost but by no means stupid. When the negative emotions consume you, you can’t control how you act. If you make rash decisions it doesn’t make you stupid, it just means that you made a rash decision and somehow have to deal with it. I can’t express enough to you about wanting to curl up in a ball and die for awhile just to forget the negative parts of my life. Often times our anger is all that consumes us and we have to find a way to deal with it rather than just shutting down.

What you say in posts isn’t wrong, it’s what you are feeling at the time you were writing. If you go back and reread it later on maybe you feel like it is wrong but by no means is it wrong to feel how you are feeling. What do you want?? Again I can’t answer that for you, only you can decide what you want, even if it’s what you want to eat or what you want out of life…you have to make that decision because in turn it effects mostly you. There is nothing wrong with turning to online friends for support or help. Often times unbiased people are the best ones to offer you advice on things that maybe people in your real life couldn’t understand.

Take that weight off your shoulders. Focus on one thing at a time, even if that means taking time off of school. Everyone needs a break from things, especially when life becomes so overwhelming. What do you do to make yourself happy?? Do you have things in life that you like to do, that could in turn make you happy? Read a book, take pictures, write, ski, I don’t know any of the above that could help at least for the time being alleviate the pain and anger you are feeling. You blame the rest of the world for your issues because a lot of the time the world effects your emotions, people for example can bring you down and break you, so in turn you blame the world around you for making you feel so shitty. As for getting help and support, I don’t know if you see anyone “professional” I can’t go into much detail about that because I myself won’t see someone. Only you can decide that and only oyu can decide what you want out of life. Life is there you just have to grab it by the balls and experience it as best you can.

I don’t know if this has helped or not, maybe it’s just my idiotic rant, but by this idiotic rant I hope that something I said helps. If not I’m sorry you just read this whole thing for nothing. If you need to talk PM me and I can chat with you or I can give you my MSN to chat. Best of luck hun :hug:
Kells

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Thanks WhatLiesBeneath I sent you a PM

 

[ace]

Hey dude remember me?It's your buddy ace Yes we're mate's from here let's talk matey about thing's.Don't worry you don't have to ride the depressed train alone I promise you that.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Hey dude remember me?It's your buddy ace Yes we're mate's from here let's talk matey about thing's.Don't worry you don't have to ride the depressed train alone I promise you that.

Wow it has been a while ace, sorry.

We shall talk XD I will try to make it happen more often.

 

[ace]

Wow it has been a while ace, sorry.

We shall talk XD I will try to make it happen more often.

Koolies dude I want you to promise me you're going to fight dude you're a legend and I'm telling you the truth.Yes it's been a while and I alway's love talking to you.