Hello, this is my first thread.
I came across this site as I was google searching all things suicide related. I read through some of the threads, but was a bit unsure if I should register and post or start a thread...so as you can see, I went with the second thought.
I'm here because I suffer from Bipolar disorder, and am currently NOT taking any treatment at all. In addition to that I'm also suffering from something that no form of madication and therapy can cure, and that is my overdose of ugly. All my life I've struggled with my physical appearance as well as manic depression, erratic mood swings, short temper, self mutilation, ADD, and social anxiety.
My life is basically an isolated one, where I spend all my days indoors. I used to work part-time jobs here and there, but was ultimately unable to hold any of them down successfully. My condition got in the way of everything; I could not carry out simple instructions as my mind wandered while I was being instructed, my execution of certain tasks always came out half-assed, My mood swings threw me in a mosh pit with fellow employees and customers, I missed work days without notifying management of my impending abscence, and the funniest occurence that would happen every once in a while would be when I would completely disappear from the workplace and return about an hour or two later...sometimes I would not return at all.
My struggle with my physical looks started as far back as when I first started pre-kinder. Before that I had no knowledge of what beauty and atrocity was, but after I started attending that little school I began seeing what everyone else saw, a Monster. I remember coming home from School and closing myself in my bedroom, look in the mirror and cry uncontrolably. I hated the little fucker I saw as my reflection...and as years passed I wanted to kill him. I began having suicidal thoughts at around the age of seven. I would often fantasize about my own death and me being the main cause of it, I would daydream about it at school and I would often dream it at night.
I always felt different from everyone else, aside from looking grotesque, I would always be the center of attention among my teachers and other faculty members I was not familiar with. The reason for that was because my teachers thought I had natural talent for Art, and would often put me in the spotlight for every image I conjured up. This did not sit well with my fellow classmates as they saw that I was somewhat favoured by the teachers. I would always get bullied because of it. As if being a freak of nature wasn't enough, I was deemed a suck up and a teacher's pet...as I was often asked to do little art projects for them and when book reports and other visually oriented class projects came into play they always made it vocal as to how much they looked forward to my work. this was all happening during my Elementary School days. My Junior High and High School days were not any better.
I received physical abuse from the males and verbal abuse from the females. It hurt more being called a "Boogeyman", "Freakshow" or "Caveboy" by the girls more than being pounded by the guys. I could not fight back as they were much bigger than me and roamed the halls in numbers, I could not say anything to the girls because they would either team up on me and go firing squad with words on me, or command the guys to kick my ass.
I am 24 years old now, and I've never had a girlfriend...let alone know a girl that would look at me without laughing or cringing at my appearance. To this day I suffer ridicule whenever I go out, whether it'd be with friends or just to pick up some supplies, I get funny looks, giggles and even laughter thrown my way. This past summer I was mocked by some goon and his entourage of flunkies. I was basically walking up to my local bookstore and up ahead I notice three guys about to walk by me, I think nothing of it but as soon as we pass by one another, one of them says "ever heard of a razor? hehe, fucking Ape!" ( my arms are hairy...SUE ME!) He and his goons erupted in laughter but I did not respond, not even looked back as it was obvious these fuckers were looking to start something.
What a long post this turned out to be, there's more to it of course, but I'll save it for another time. Right now I'm extremely depressed and hopeless, this is the most intense suicidal urge I've ever had. I've been doing nothing but calculating how and when I should go through with it, I care not about what my friends and family will feel...as it's just death, everyone will get over it eventually...assuming the feel anything after I'm gone. I feel this vast emptyness in me, this frightening cloud over my head, this fear of continuing a meaningless existance. All I had was my drawings and my musical instruments...but now...nothing thrills me, nothing gives me a sense of comfort or belonging, nothing feels fulfilling. I have a bunch of stories I should finish planning out, but I'm afraid I'll never get to finish them, My aspirations to debut my webtoon has gone out the window, my website....no. I cannot even write a song now without giving up, I cannot concentrate on the arrangements of my songs as my mind is too clouded and unhappiness weighs in on me.
I'm at my wit's end and I don't know what to do. I used to take medication for my bipolar disorder, but some of the meds that were perscribed to me had too many undesireable side effects, many of which greatly disrupted my creativity. The little world where I would spend my days creating is now abandoned, I cannot get myself in gear anymore as this anguish has become too much. I cannot go outside as I fear being ridiculed and hurt, I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror, and when I do I start grinding my nails across my face until I draw blood. I cry almost every night while repeating to myself "I need to die".
There's a snipet of what life is like for me. I hope I did not bore you with it.
I came across this site as I was google searching all things suicide related. I read through some of the threads, but was a bit unsure if I should register and post or start a thread...so as you can see, I went with the second thought.
I'm here because I suffer from Bipolar disorder, and am currently NOT taking any treatment at all. In addition to that I'm also suffering from something that no form of madication and therapy can cure, and that is my overdose of ugly. All my life I've struggled with my physical appearance as well as manic depression, erratic mood swings, short temper, self mutilation, ADD, and social anxiety.
My life is basically an isolated one, where I spend all my days indoors. I used to work part-time jobs here and there, but was ultimately unable to hold any of them down successfully. My condition got in the way of everything; I could not carry out simple instructions as my mind wandered while I was being instructed, my execution of certain tasks always came out half-assed, My mood swings threw me in a mosh pit with fellow employees and customers, I missed work days without notifying management of my impending abscence, and the funniest occurence that would happen every once in a while would be when I would completely disappear from the workplace and return about an hour or two later...sometimes I would not return at all.
My struggle with my physical looks started as far back as when I first started pre-kinder. Before that I had no knowledge of what beauty and atrocity was, but after I started attending that little school I began seeing what everyone else saw, a Monster. I remember coming home from School and closing myself in my bedroom, look in the mirror and cry uncontrolably. I hated the little fucker I saw as my reflection...and as years passed I wanted to kill him. I began having suicidal thoughts at around the age of seven. I would often fantasize about my own death and me being the main cause of it, I would daydream about it at school and I would often dream it at night.
I always felt different from everyone else, aside from looking grotesque, I would always be the center of attention among my teachers and other faculty members I was not familiar with. The reason for that was because my teachers thought I had natural talent for Art, and would often put me in the spotlight for every image I conjured up. This did not sit well with my fellow classmates as they saw that I was somewhat favoured by the teachers. I would always get bullied because of it. As if being a freak of nature wasn't enough, I was deemed a suck up and a teacher's pet...as I was often asked to do little art projects for them and when book reports and other visually oriented class projects came into play they always made it vocal as to how much they looked forward to my work. this was all happening during my Elementary School days. My Junior High and High School days were not any better.
I received physical abuse from the males and verbal abuse from the females. It hurt more being called a "Boogeyman", "Freakshow" or "Caveboy" by the girls more than being pounded by the guys. I could not fight back as they were much bigger than me and roamed the halls in numbers, I could not say anything to the girls because they would either team up on me and go firing squad with words on me, or command the guys to kick my ass.
I am 24 years old now, and I've never had a girlfriend...let alone know a girl that would look at me without laughing or cringing at my appearance. To this day I suffer ridicule whenever I go out, whether it'd be with friends or just to pick up some supplies, I get funny looks, giggles and even laughter thrown my way. This past summer I was mocked by some goon and his entourage of flunkies. I was basically walking up to my local bookstore and up ahead I notice three guys about to walk by me, I think nothing of it but as soon as we pass by one another, one of them says "ever heard of a razor? hehe, fucking Ape!" ( my arms are hairy...SUE ME!) He and his goons erupted in laughter but I did not respond, not even looked back as it was obvious these fuckers were looking to start something.
What a long post this turned out to be, there's more to it of course, but I'll save it for another time. Right now I'm extremely depressed and hopeless, this is the most intense suicidal urge I've ever had. I've been doing nothing but calculating how and when I should go through with it, I care not about what my friends and family will feel...as it's just death, everyone will get over it eventually...assuming the feel anything after I'm gone. I feel this vast emptyness in me, this frightening cloud over my head, this fear of continuing a meaningless existance. All I had was my drawings and my musical instruments...but now...nothing thrills me, nothing gives me a sense of comfort or belonging, nothing feels fulfilling. I have a bunch of stories I should finish planning out, but I'm afraid I'll never get to finish them, My aspirations to debut my webtoon has gone out the window, my website....no. I cannot even write a song now without giving up, I cannot concentrate on the arrangements of my songs as my mind is too clouded and unhappiness weighs in on me.
I'm at my wit's end and I don't know what to do. I used to take medication for my bipolar disorder, but some of the meds that were perscribed to me had too many undesireable side effects, many of which greatly disrupted my creativity. The little world where I would spend my days creating is now abandoned, I cannot get myself in gear anymore as this anguish has become too much. I cannot go outside as I fear being ridiculed and hurt, I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror, and when I do I start grinding my nails across my face until I draw blood. I cry almost every night while repeating to myself "I need to die".
There's a snipet of what life is like for me. I hope I did not bore you with it.
It makes me feel sorry for them as they must have a miserable life to be content to make others miserable as well.:sad: Please don't consider suicide as a solution. As long as there's life, there's hope - I believe that sincerely...even when I feel so bad I don't believe anything. Feel free to come here anytime you need a shoulder, or helping hands, or listening ears. We're here for you.:smile: 