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What is happening to me?

Cathy

Well-Known Member
#1
This might be a bit similar to my last thread, but I just can't stop worrying and asking myself what is wrong with me and happening to me...
A few days ago I had trouble keeping a hold on myself and I felt really vague and like I might be going into a dissociation. I have had regular dissociations the last couple of weeks where I was completely out of it. Moving was hard, couldn't really respond to my environment, that sort of stuff, so lately I can feel it coming. And I felt like the outside world was becoming stranger to me, so I remember looking around the room I was in, I recognised it, but at the same time it felt like it was my first time there, and than all of a sudden, it was as if the sun went behind the clouds, without that actually happening. I remember blinking a few times, and all of a sudden my perception of the light in the room changed and I suddenly felt as if I was 50 cm smaller. Like, all of a sudden I had shrunk and my complete vision of myself and the room changed. I know this sounds really crazy...
I think I have had instances when it was the other way around. Like the sun came out from behind the clouds and it felt like I'd woken up or something and I could see clear again, but the shift in feeling of height was new and it scared me I guess. I remember feeling dazed afterwards and like a completely different person than a second earlier. Which also scares me. The way I see myself can shift from one second to the next. For example, lately I haven't been wearing makeup and that same day I felt the urge to wear makeup again, so I did. But after that 'shift' happened I couldn't honestly understand why I had chosen to wear makeup that day. I remember putting it on and stuff, I just couldn't understand why. Another example that really bothers me is that I sometimes find notes in my diary, that say that I see myself as someone evil. Mostly it's just a few lines and I never seem to specify why, and I can't get into that feeling. I just don't know what happened or how I must have felt when I wrote that... It just scares me that apperently there are parts of me that I don't have a connection with, that I don't even understand. I just don't know who I am anymore... There's parts of me that definitly want to have kids some day and there's parts of me who don't even want to think about having kids. There's parts of me that listen to rock music and than there's parts that can't stand it. One moment I can't stop playing my piano and than the next few months I don't touch it and I'm only gaming, and right now I haven't touched a computer in months. There's parts of me that want a carreer and a boyfriend and a nice place to live and than there's parts that find all those things boring, even horrific. Honestly, I give myself a whiplash, and I'm scared and I don't know what's wrong with me, let alone what to do or who to listen to...
 
#2
That's sounds awful, sorry that you are going through this

It's understandable that you feel scared by this

I might be able to make a suggestion that could help, but I don't know if you want suggestions.

I hope that things can get better somehow
 

Nick

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
Hi @Cathy, I can understand some of what you are saying here. I also times of dissociation. Mine looks a little different in the sense that I suddenly realize I'm not where I remember being. I'll lose unknown periods of time and have no idea what has occurred during this time unless there was someone there who can fill in gaps. It can be very scary to deal with and it's hard to put into words what is going on at the time. Have you spoken to a professional about this? I know you've probably been asked that question a lot, but for me it has been an important step in starting the healing.
 

Cathy

Well-Known Member
#4
That's sounds awful, sorry that you are going through this

It's understandable that you feel scared by this

I might be able to make a suggestion that could help, but I don't know if you want suggestions.

I hope that things can get better somehow
Thank you for replying. Of course I would like to hear your suggestion. It's always nice knowing you're not alone and someone is thinking along with you.
 

Cathy

Well-Known Member
#5
Hi @Cathy, I can understand some of what you are saying here. I also times of dissociation. Mine looks a little different in the sense that I suddenly realize I'm not where I remember being. I'll lose unknown periods of time and have no idea what has occurred during this time unless there was someone there who can fill in gaps. It can be very scary to deal with and it's hard to put into words what is going on at the time. Have you spoken to a professional about this? I know you've probably been asked that question a lot, but for me it has been an important step in starting the healing.
That must be so scary, not remembering what you have done or how you got somewhere. But that's exactly what my problem is as well, I can't put it into words. I do talk with professionals but they can't seem to put their finger on it yet either. Everytime I'm there I always seem to talk about different things as well. Something that seems to be important to me one moment I completely forget about the next, so I feel like it takes a really long time before people are able to grasp the entire picture. Even I feel like a lot of the time I don't grasp the entire picture...
 
#6
Thank you for replying
You're welcome!

One of the things that I often recommend is acupuncture and traditional Chinese herbal medicine. There's evidence that it can help treat a wide variety of physical and mental illnesses.

Particularly since you don't have a diagnosis and haven't been offered treatment, it might be worth a try. I can't guarantee that it would help, but I don't see any harm in trying.

I can say more about the subject and how to find low-cost quality care (teaching clinics and community clinics).
 

Nick

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
That must be so scary, not remembering what you have done or how you got somewhere. But that's exactly what my problem is as well, I can't put it into words. I do talk with professionals but they can't seem to put their finger on it yet either. Everytime I'm there I always seem to talk about different things as well. Something that seems to be important to me one moment I completely forget about the next, so I feel like it takes a really long time before people are able to grasp the entire picture. Even I feel like a lot of the time I don't grasp the entire picture...
Are you finding it hard to put into words what is going on when you talk about? Is it that you cannot remember what it was you wanted to talk about? I often find it hard to remember what it was I wanted to say. My mind gets lost on tangents or in swirling rushing thoughts. I find it helps to write down things and then bring what I have written to my sessions. This helps me to remember what it was I was thinking or wanting to talk about. You might find that helpful. It is a hard thing to figure out. I have also found grounding techniques helpful. When I realize that I am dissociating a lot using grounding to try to stay present in the moment.
 

Cathy

Well-Known Member
#9
Are you finding it hard to put into words what is going on when you talk about? Is it that you cannot remember what it was you wanted to talk about? I often find it hard to remember what it was I wanted to say.
That happens to me as well. Either I get lost mid-sentence or I can't remember what was it was I wanted to talk about. I also get that I get really worked up over stuff like this but by the time I have a session, I don't see why I was so stressed out about all that stuff and my mind sort of convinces me it's normal and I would sound stupid talking about it. In that moment I can't figure out why I was so stressed out about that stuff, so I don't find it necessary to talk about it anymore. Until I'm home again and it all comes back to me or something
 

extraterrestrialone

can’t toast bread without burning it
SF Supporter
#10
I think the biggest similarity I can find is not knowing. I have so many diagnoses but seem to get treated for depression. And last night I began thinking, it's not depression but stifled anger. I have dissociation that seems quite a bit different but I have been thinking maybe dissociation is that stifling . So I want to suggest it to you just as a possibility - that something affected you deeply (could be one incident or something over a long period) and then your ability to react was shut down. For me, I am stopping depression treatment and am going to talk to my therapist about hidden anger. I self harm. To me, self harm - mine at least - must be anger driven. Again, I don't know if you can relate to any of this but when reading your posts these thoughts did pop up in my mind.
 

Cathy

Well-Known Member
#11
I think the biggest similarity I can find is not knowing. I have so many diagnoses but seem to get treated for depression. And last night I began thinking, it's not depression but stifled anger. I have dissociation that seems quite a bit different but I have been thinking maybe dissociation is that stifling . So I want to suggest it to you just as a possibility - that something affected you deeply (could be one incident or something over a long period) and then your ability to react was shut down. For me, I am stopping depression treatment and am going to talk to my therapist about hidden anger. I self harm. To me, self harm - mine at least - must be anger driven. Again, I don't know if you can relate to any of this but when reading your posts these thoughts did pop up in my mind.
I also have problems woth self harm. Sometimes I don't have that urge at all and than I can't stop. For me it's about gaining control I think. I can't really make sense of when I start dissociating. Sometimes it's when we touch a subject I can't talk about, but a lot of the time I don't know what triggers it.
 

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