This might be a bit similar to my last thread, but I just can't stop worrying and asking myself what is wrong with me and happening to me...
A few days ago I had trouble keeping a hold on myself and I felt really vague and like I might be going into a dissociation. I have had regular dissociations the last couple of weeks where I was completely out of it. Moving was hard, couldn't really respond to my environment, that sort of stuff, so lately I can feel it coming. And I felt like the outside world was becoming stranger to me, so I remember looking around the room I was in, I recognised it, but at the same time it felt like it was my first time there, and than all of a sudden, it was as if the sun went behind the clouds, without that actually happening. I remember blinking a few times, and all of a sudden my perception of the light in the room changed and I suddenly felt as if I was 50 cm smaller. Like, all of a sudden I had shrunk and my complete vision of myself and the room changed. I know this sounds really crazy...
I think I have had instances when it was the other way around. Like the sun came out from behind the clouds and it felt like I'd woken up or something and I could see clear again, but the shift in feeling of height was new and it scared me I guess. I remember feeling dazed afterwards and like a completely different person than a second earlier. Which also scares me. The way I see myself can shift from one second to the next. For example, lately I haven't been wearing makeup and that same day I felt the urge to wear makeup again, so I did. But after that 'shift' happened I couldn't honestly understand why I had chosen to wear makeup that day. I remember putting it on and stuff, I just couldn't understand why. Another example that really bothers me is that I sometimes find notes in my diary, that say that I see myself as someone evil. Mostly it's just a few lines and I never seem to specify why, and I can't get into that feeling. I just don't know what happened or how I must have felt when I wrote that... It just scares me that apperently there are parts of me that I don't have a connection with, that I don't even understand. I just don't know who I am anymore... There's parts of me that definitly want to have kids some day and there's parts of me who don't even want to think about having kids. There's parts of me that listen to rock music and than there's parts that can't stand it. One moment I can't stop playing my piano and than the next few months I don't touch it and I'm only gaming, and right now I haven't touched a computer in months. There's parts of me that want a carreer and a boyfriend and a nice place to live and than there's parts that find all those things boring, even horrific. Honestly, I give myself a whiplash, and I'm scared and I don't know what's wrong with me, let alone what to do or who to listen to...
A few days ago I had trouble keeping a hold on myself and I felt really vague and like I might be going into a dissociation. I have had regular dissociations the last couple of weeks where I was completely out of it. Moving was hard, couldn't really respond to my environment, that sort of stuff, so lately I can feel it coming. And I felt like the outside world was becoming stranger to me, so I remember looking around the room I was in, I recognised it, but at the same time it felt like it was my first time there, and than all of a sudden, it was as if the sun went behind the clouds, without that actually happening. I remember blinking a few times, and all of a sudden my perception of the light in the room changed and I suddenly felt as if I was 50 cm smaller. Like, all of a sudden I had shrunk and my complete vision of myself and the room changed. I know this sounds really crazy...
I think I have had instances when it was the other way around. Like the sun came out from behind the clouds and it felt like I'd woken up or something and I could see clear again, but the shift in feeling of height was new and it scared me I guess. I remember feeling dazed afterwards and like a completely different person than a second earlier. Which also scares me. The way I see myself can shift from one second to the next. For example, lately I haven't been wearing makeup and that same day I felt the urge to wear makeup again, so I did. But after that 'shift' happened I couldn't honestly understand why I had chosen to wear makeup that day. I remember putting it on and stuff, I just couldn't understand why. Another example that really bothers me is that I sometimes find notes in my diary, that say that I see myself as someone evil. Mostly it's just a few lines and I never seem to specify why, and I can't get into that feeling. I just don't know what happened or how I must have felt when I wrote that... It just scares me that apperently there are parts of me that I don't have a connection with, that I don't even understand. I just don't know who I am anymore... There's parts of me that definitly want to have kids some day and there's parts of me who don't even want to think about having kids. There's parts of me that listen to rock music and than there's parts that can't stand it. One moment I can't stop playing my piano and than the next few months I don't touch it and I'm only gaming, and right now I haven't touched a computer in months. There's parts of me that want a carreer and a boyfriend and a nice place to live and than there's parts that find all those things boring, even horrific. Honestly, I give myself a whiplash, and I'm scared and I don't know what's wrong with me, let alone what to do or who to listen to...