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What the hell is wrong with me?

I

iwihbn

Back, brain damaged and bipolar-er
#1
#1
so, ive had a brain tumour. I went through a traumatic surgery. I became epileptic again for a short while. It was hell.
i got past this and got the tests back from my doc. And its all good news. And all i could think, while my parents basically celebrated was; fuck, i never really cared whether i lived or died. In fact, i was hoping it would kill me slowly.
now i cant drink, or smoke, or practice any of my maladaptive coping mechanisms wjthout looking like a ****
brain cancer patients are meant to feel relieved and like theyve got a new lease on life but i just dont. The tumour didnt affect my life at all. The seizures did tho, and treatment made them come back.
Feeling this way makes me feel like a ****. Im being an ass to my parents because im so tired of all this health shit.
On top of this, im back to cutting again. I dont feel like im gonna off myself but its one manic episode away.
 
may71

may71

mr. may
#2
#2
Do you still have seizures now? Are you prevented from engaging in your coping mechanisms because they'd cause a seizure?
 
AvidFan

AvidFan

Retired Cat Staff
SF Supporter
#3
#3
You're human and we react differently to things. Sounds like you've also been through a hell of a lot. Sounds like you feel like you should feel a certain way, but it's OK to feel the way you feel, you're entitled to feel how you want it's you who've been through this. Sometimes people feel very sad if someone dies, some don't. Some feel elated by cancer remission, some don't. I can see how someone on a suicide forum would welcome potentially terminal illness, but also sometimes suicidal people get cancer etc, and suddenly fight to live with everything they've got. We're all pretty strange beings really!
 
I

iwihbn

Back, brain damaged and bipolar-er
#4
#4
may71 said:
Do you still have seizures now? Are you prevented from engaging in your coping mechanisms because they'd cause a seizure?
Click to expand...
Theyve been gone since the week post surgery- but i never had them much anyway, and every time I get them I get panic attacks so bad they can actually make me feel like im having another seizure.
AvidFan said:
You're human and we react differently to things. Sounds like you've also been through a hell of a lot. Sounds like you feel like you should feel a certain way, but it's OK to feel the way you feel, you're entitled to feel how you want it's you who've been through this. Sometimes people feel very sad if someone dies, some don't. Some feel elated by cancer remission, some don't. I can see how someone on a suicide forum would welcome potentially terminal illness, but also sometimes suicidal people get cancer etc, and suddenly fight to live with everything they've got. We're all pretty strange beings really!
Click to expand...
I just dont want to talk about it to people at work and have the whole song and dance of WoW yoU MuST be So HaPPy 30 times with different people. It means i have to go through the usual emotion hiding so im not perceived as abnormal, which will mean I'll get treated worse. People will naturally think 'ungrateful little shit' which is enough to ruin the impression ive been trying to build for the last 6 months.
 
I

iwihbn

Back, brain damaged and bipolar-er
#5
#5
Update: started smoking again and im just fine now lmao. I quit for 7 weeks and got past the addiction issues but i swear every time i quit its just the same. Fine for the first 7 weeks then after its just... suicidal.
 
IDontWantToDie

IDontWantToDie

I will crawl away for good
#6
#6
iwihbn said:
Update: started smoking again and im just fine now lmao. I quit for 7 weeks and got past the addiction issues but i swear every time i quit its just the same. Fine for the first 7 weeks then after its just... suicidal.
Click to expand...
Smoking is a crazy thing. I have felt it making me suicidal too. I did quit eventually and im fine now, but i feel you on this one so much.
As for the other thing... i gues when you feel like you got nothing to lose, and when you are suicidal, just live your freaking life. Live it for yourself. Its not the other people who are living your life, YOU are. And everything is designed to kill us these days, if you want to smoke, do it. Some people smoke and live a 100 years. Stress and wory about impressions is more likeley going to kill us than some booze and ciggs. All diseases comes from the head, and only one from love. Be free.
*hugs*
 
seabird

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#7
#7
@iwihbn good on you for toughing out the surgery, and getting past the epilepsy. I had a friend who had it. It totally messed up her life. I can't imagine how that was, just not possible. Is what you're saying that cutting helps with the stress, or, is something else bothering you as well? You've been through too much. Sending support and hope, and care to you.
 
I

iwihbn

Back, brain damaged and bipolar-er
#8
#8
IDontWantToDie said:
Smoking is a crazy thing. I have felt it making me suicidal too. I did quit eventually and im fine now, but i feel you on this one so much.
As for the other thing... i gues when you feel like you got nothing to lose, and when you are suicidal, just live your freaking life. Live it for yourself. Its not the other people who are living your life, YOU are. And everything is designed to kill us these days, if you want to smoke, do it. Some people smoke and live a 100 years. Stress and wory about impressions is more likeley going to kill us than some booze and ciggs. All diseases comes from the head, and only one from love. Be free.
*hugs*
Click to expand...
It is i stg. All of the fucking blogs say ah yesh i stopped feeling addicted at like a week and meanwhile i was fine first 3 weeks and then started aliding into mental hell. Prolly some dopamine issues tbh, maybe fried them at some point who knows. Good point but i live with my parents and itd kill my mum to know im smoking again.
seabird said:
@iwihbn good on you for toughing out the surgery, and getting past the epilepsy. I had a friend who had it. It totally messed up her life. I can't imagine how that was, just not possible. Is what you're saying that cutting helps with the stress, or, is something else bothering you as well? You've been through too much. Sending support and hope, and care to you.
Click to expand...
I dont even know tbh. My recovery was ridiculously stressful cause im naturally quite active and not being active was hell (im talking about like 13 hours of exercise on top of a physical job sort of active and if I didnt get that id feel like death) plus the seizures. Im actually pretty lucky i guess. The tumour is gone now apparently, and I got the good genetics in it so it isnt malignant.
Being active was basically the only way i didnt self harm before. If you hurt your legs then you cant run if you get cuts. But right now idrc, ive got bandages. I've just always been this way. I have periods of good times where im happy and think ive recovered and am honestly super happy and energised and then i get yoinked into the bad times seemingly at random.
Nothing outside of this cycle feels real, even other traumatic crap.
Thanks for answering, frens. Your support means a lot.
 
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