What Time Of Year Do You Feel Most Suicidal?
- Thread starter I Love Tomorrow
- Start date
For those suffering from the effects of Seasonal Affective Disorder (can't fremember for sure if that's what it's called? S.A.D.) - but, they do have, in acase you weren't already aware: these things, well I guess I don't know what thry'e really called--but they're these lamps that give off this light, to help with your depression. No, not cure, but may be "help" to blunt some of the force/trauma of the/or those effects at their darkest depths, or moments. I really don't kow much about them, but I've known some who have, and used them in like their bedrooms, or workspaces, right next to or beside(s) them. So, if interested, migth want to look them up/or into them~ / maybe? . . .
They may help to, or when, all of that black that you can only see for so much of this time of the year--dial down, or back on a little bit of its intensity, maybe. Those negative or unwanted effects, or symptoms, you are experiencing. Thus perhaps, making them just a little bit milder, if that makse sense? Or registers, with anyone at all. If they helped with your overall depression, or your anxitey, whatever it is/or were: say (let's) 10%. Would it be worth it? I don't know either, I guess not. Not enough worth the hassle of trying to punch it into my Amazon search box thing, or whatever you call it? Ha! ;D (but that' s jst me-& I can be, an INCREDIBEL pain-in-the-butt)~*
My thoughts on completing another trip around the sun;
As a boy, having a somewhat shared b-day with my older sister(her's is 7 days before mine) and having a b-day in general was a very fun time. My parents threw wonderful parties with all my relatives and their and my friends, some of my best memories I still have today. My mother still has boxes of(wait for it) paper pics from actual film cameras that were popular at the time. I had lots of toys, custom Dairy Queen cake with my name on it, ice cream, etc. Wow, and going to friends or school mates b-days where usually a blast too. I had it made, but; It was all a lie, wasn't it?.. Let me explain, and please don't be offended if you disagree, these are just my thoughts.
Then, as I reached the teenage years as a bullied rebel against things and people in society I didn't like, b-days became less important except for 1. driving(Yeah, freedom!) 2. Being able to buy cigs/alcohol or other adult things to drown my already growing sorrow. Those same 'friends' I had as a boy were not my friends anymore, because we all had changed in different directions, sometimes very different directions. Plus, don't forget all the peer pressure at this age and how it effects a young mind. "Do this, don't do that, that's cool, you want to be 'cool' don't you?" etc. And for someone who already grew up damaged, well, the wind will blow you wherever it wants usually during this time period.
Then it starts to hit you in your mid-twenties. "I have to stay and look young, like the highschool/college years. Why does my life suck, why am I so unhappy/depressed? What happened to my friends, why is everyone so different and leaving me? Why can't I... Just go back? Or be forever young? Well, I could if I just ended it all." Then you reach 29, and "Oh my gosh, I can't be 30. That is like sooo old, I won't be a kid anymore", etc.
My point is this. At some point as we age, a birthday becomes less of a fun thing about the individual and more of a curse or reminder about the realities of life. And then the ironic part is, that everyone around us makes sure to remind us even more by telling us 'Happy Birthday!' at a time when we'd probably rather just forget it. I do it too, it's done out of love, but still I just think it's how humans are wired.
Aging and suicidal thought used to be real bad for me. I had to be dead by 25 because 'that's when my uncle died'. Then I had to be dead by 27 because 'that's how and when some of rock and roll heroes died'. Then I had to be dead by 30 because 'I won't be a kid anymore'. Same with being 33, because 'that's when Farley and Belushi died' because I looked up to them. Like outliving them somehow made me a worse human being, when that's just not true.
Now I look at it more with a bit more of a mature or expanded viewpoint; It doesn't really matter. Because it doesn't in the big picture to me anymore. So what if I die at 3, or 33, or 63, or 83? Death is death, and believe me it doesn't matter as much as you think it does. I'm going to turn 40 later this year, and am I happy with that? No, but I don't think at this point it's going to give me as much suicidal thought as it used to, unless some unforeseen events happen to make me feel that way. Still, that feeling is always there, that reminder that, yes, you're older going down hill towards your final exit and there's nothing you can do about it. But accept it, because it will be worse for you if you fight it. Or ignore it, whatever helps. We never really know when our last b-day is going to be, so maybe try and enjoy it just once, do something special for yourself(then feel worse the day after your b-day lol). Well see if I can follow my own advice now,
As a boy, having a somewhat shared b-day with my older sister(her's is 7 days before mine) and having a b-day in general was a very fun time. My parents threw wonderful parties with all my relatives and their and my friends, some of my best memories I still have today. My mother still has boxes of(wait for it) paper pics from actual film cameras that were popular at the time. I had lots of toys, custom Dairy Queen cake with my name on it, ice cream, etc. Wow, and going to friends or school mates b-days where usually a blast too. I had it made, but; It was all a lie, wasn't it?.. Let me explain, and please don't be offended if you disagree, these are just my thoughts.
Then, as I reached the teenage years as a bullied rebel against things and people in society I didn't like, b-days became less important except for 1. driving(Yeah, freedom!) 2. Being able to buy cigs/alcohol or other adult things to drown my already growing sorrow. Those same 'friends' I had as a boy were not my friends anymore, because we all had changed in different directions, sometimes very different directions. Plus, don't forget all the peer pressure at this age and how it effects a young mind. "Do this, don't do that, that's cool, you want to be 'cool' don't you?" etc. And for someone who already grew up damaged, well, the wind will blow you wherever it wants usually during this time period.
Then it starts to hit you in your mid-twenties. "I have to stay and look young, like the highschool/college years. Why does my life suck, why am I so unhappy/depressed? What happened to my friends, why is everyone so different and leaving me? Why can't I... Just go back? Or be forever young? Well, I could if I just ended it all." Then you reach 29, and "Oh my gosh, I can't be 30. That is like sooo old, I won't be a kid anymore", etc.
My point is this. At some point as we age, a birthday becomes less of a fun thing about the individual and more of a curse or reminder about the realities of life. And then the ironic part is, that everyone around us makes sure to remind us even more by telling us 'Happy Birthday!' at a time when we'd probably rather just forget it. I do it too, it's done out of love, but still I just think it's how humans are wired.
Aging and suicidal thought used to be real bad for me. I had to be dead by 25 because 'that's when my uncle died'. Then I had to be dead by 27 because 'that's how and when some of rock and roll heroes died'. Then I had to be dead by 30 because 'I won't be a kid anymore'. Same with being 33, because 'that's when Farley and Belushi died' because I looked up to them. Like outliving them somehow made me a worse human being, when that's just not true.
Now I look at it more with a bit more of a mature or expanded viewpoint; It doesn't really matter. Because it doesn't in the big picture to me anymore. So what if I die at 3, or 33, or 63, or 83? Death is death, and believe me it doesn't matter as much as you think it does. I'm going to turn 40 later this year, and am I happy with that? No, but I don't think at this point it's going to give me as much suicidal thought as it used to, unless some unforeseen events happen to make me feel that way. Still, that feeling is always there, that reminder that, yes, you're older going down hill towards your final exit and there's nothing you can do about it. But accept it, because it will be worse for you if you fight it. Or ignore it, whatever helps. We never really know when our last b-day is going to be, so maybe try and enjoy it just once, do something special for yourself(then feel worse the day after your b-day lol). Well see if I can follow my own advice now,
I've always liked this speech, although I know he's just saying this in general. It's certainly not true for everyone
Billy Crystal on Aging (youtube.com)
Billy Crystal on Aging (youtube.com)