Practical Advice What would you do if a parent of yours was cheating on the other?

[PrincessPure]

I indeed need help with this..

My dad is 60. He has grown children and was fine with my mom all these years. After hella 22 years of being married he found his childhood friend who he had a crush on and guess what... he contacted her and now they are flirting.

What should I do? Should I message that woman and tell her to get her ass out of our life? Should I tell my mom to divorce? It's hard to control my anger now.

 

[Brân]

hello and welcome!

I've been in this situation with parents and I did nothing. It still eats at me. I did nothing because I figured they were grown ups and their drama is theirs, but what I wish I did was go straight to my mum (in your case it's your dad) and fess up and say "I know what you're doing, what is it?". As much as I hated the person that my mum was seeing, I knew deep down that they weren't as much to blame as my mum. They were single, my mum was not - and my dad was getting hurt. It's like everyone knew other than him in the end and it sucked.

In your case, I think I'd go to your dad in private and confidence and just ask what it's all about. Hopefully that tells him that you know, and you're not okay with it and hopefully enough to solve it. How in depth is the flirting and are you certain there's no way it's just old mates reminiscing?

 

[PrincessPure]

hello and welcome!

I've been in this situation with parents and I did nothing. It still eats at me. I did nothing because I figured they were grown ups and their drama is theirs, but what I wish I did was go straight to my mum (in your case it's your dad) and fess up and say "I know what you're doing, what is it?". As much as I hated the person that my mum was seeing, I knew deep down that they weren't as much to blame as my mum. They were single, my mum was not - and my dad was getting hurt. It's like everyone knew other than him in the end and it sucked.

In your case, I think I'd go to your dad in private and confidence and just ask what it's all about. Hopefully that tells him that you know, and you're not okay with it and hopefully enough to solve it. How in depth is the flirting and are you certain there's no way it's just old mates reminiscing?

Thanks for your reply! It's not really too deep now but my mom came to me saying that she is sure they are soon gonna meet and it breaks my heart. Tbh who knows? He keeps deleting the chat so maybe it's a big deal. I live in a more conservative country. Barely do men and women stay close friends after marriage so I don't like this.

 

[Ash600]

Tempting as it is to message that woman and tell her to keep well away, or to ask your mother to initiate divorce proceedings, I think the best thing to do initially is as Lux suggests and to confront your father about this first. Get some answers, see where things stand. Give him the opportunity to wake up and realise what level of hurt and anger he is causing you and what effect this is having on your mother.

 

[Butterfly]

I have to agree with the others. First confront your dad to get all the details before telling your mum etc.

 

[Sunspots]

It sounds like your mum is already aware. Has she confronted your dad herself over this?

I'd probably speak to my dad and make him aware of how much this is hurting you all. Ask him directly what's going on.

 

[PrincessPure]

It sounds like your mum is already aware. Has she confronted your dad herself over this?

I'd probably speak to my dad and make him aware of how much this is hurting you all. Ask him directly what's going on.

She is aware.... she comes to vent with me and It makes me feel worse because Idk how to make her feel better.

 

[Lisa the Goatgirl]

If your mum is already aware of all this, and so far it's just flirting, then honestly, in your place i would try to accept the idea that it's not my place to try and fix everything wrong in my parents' lives. It can be a real strong drive to want to just take away the pain of the ones we care about, but at the end of the day, the healthiest thing we can do is accept that we aren't magic, we don't have the power to do that, and in many ways, it's not our place to try and do so. It sounds like you're already doing all you can for your mother by being there for her to talk to. Trying to intervene more just risks making everything worse. So yeah, i'd suggest trying to accept that you're already doing everything you could realistically ask of somebody in your position, that ultimately it's down to them to resolve this between them, and at most, perhaps suggest that they both try marriage counselling to see if they can resolve whatever has caused the distance in their relationship.

 

[BlueGreen]

Well, I would ask him what he hopes to get from the friendship and if she was a crush, how is he going to feel about her if they are still attracted. But most of all, I think you should ask him if he understands how hurtful this is for you and your mum. Is he a man who can set bounderies and stick with them? Is he looking for something in her or pretending it's no big deal etc.? Personally, I think it's playing with fire.

 

[BlueGreen]

Thanks for your reply! It's not really too deep now but my mom came to me saying that she is sure they are soon gonna meet and it breaks my heart. Tbh who knows? He keeps deleting the chat so maybe it's a big deal. I live in a more conservative country. Barely do men and women stay close friends after marriage so I don't like this.

Deleting the chat is a big red flag.

 

[Auri]

I do think that there is a limit to what you can and should do, but communication is everything. No matter what the outcome is, they have to communicate better - this excludes communicating with you as a mediator. They need to learn to communicate with each other. You can certainly suggest counseling if they struggle with it.

You also need to remember that you're not responsible for their relationship. Of course you want your parents' happiness, so it's hard to keep an emotional distance, but don't forget to take care of yourself. Your parents' life is one thing, your life is another, don't neglect it.

 

[KM76710]

She is aware.... she comes to vent with me and It makes me feel worse because Idk how to make her feel better.

That is sad to hear because it sounds like it puts you in a lose-lose situation no matter what you decide to do, or not do.

 

[PrincessPure]

I'm literally hurting all over my body

 

[Brokendownwreck]

I indeed need help with this..

My dad is 60. He has grown children and was fine with my mom all these years. After hella 22 years of being married he found his childhood friend who he had a crush on and guess what... he contacted her and now they are flirting.

What should I do? Should I message that woman and tell her to get her ass out of our life? Should I tell my mom to divorce? It's hard to control my anger now.

I dont know it's a really difficult situation. My parents divorced when I was younger due to infidelity on his part. He still blames my mother for leaving him and bad mouthed her for years afterwards. So I'm not sure if you confronted him if he would be willing to take responsibility or may down play it as nothing. I feel in a situation like this it could turn out badly whether you act or not. I think I'd monitor the situation first as it may be flirting that fizzles out and he has no intentions on acting on it. If however he starts to act on it like meeting up and stuff maybe confront him and ask him what his playing at and if he is going to have an affair and if he has fully understood what that would mean for his marriage as he may just be being impulsive and if that happened may drop this childhood friend like a hot potato. If though it gets to that stage and he continues then I'd start to see it as a serious problem as in he is determined to have an affair or leave his wife for someone else and probably at that point need to ask him to break the news to his wife. I do know of the worst happening as my mother had a friend in childhood who had a guy friend who was besotted with her but she didn't fancy him fast forward 25 plus years he was married and she was in a failed marriage and reconnected. He then left his wife and children for her and they have been married ever since but that was obviously to do with his wife being second choice. For your father it may not be the case he is just in the novelty factor and feeling young again so may wise up if it doesn't fizzle out of its own accord and you have to have a word. Hope it fizzles out.

 

[Brokendownwreck]

Scrap the above I didn't realise you mum already knows and your dad knows she knows and deleting chats. That is worrying if he continues despite running the risk of losing his wife. Red flag here as usually if the wife finds out they drop contact because they have something to loose.

 

[Brokendownwreck]

She is aware.... she comes to vent with me and It makes me feel worse because Idk how to make her feel better.

If she is aware and not confronting her marriage issues but venting to you instead that is a red flag too. It sounds like she isn't prepared to communicated with her husband on this and using you as a substitute for venting without taking action. That is not good because it places the burden on her child and too much of it could make you feel ill especially when she is not considering how hurt and betrayed you must also be feeling too. I'd allow her to vent another say two more times but if she hasn't confronted it herself you must withdraw and say all this is effecting your well being too and you are in the middle of a hostage situation and in need of support yourself as if this goes round in circles you could be looking at writing off a year or more.

 

[PrincessPure]

If she is aware and not confronting her marriage issues but venting to you instead that is a red flag too. It sounds like she isn't prepared to communicated with her husband on this and using you as a substitute for venting without taking action. That is not good because it places the burden on her child and too much of it could make you feel ill especially when she is not considering how hurt and betrayed you must also be feeling too. I'd allow her to vent another say two more times but if she hasn't confronted it herself you must withdraw and say all this is effecting your well being too and you are in the middle of a hostage situation and in need of support yourself as if this goes round in circles you could be looking at writing off a year or more.

She does that because basically talking to my dad doesn't work. In middle of nowhere rn idk what to do. I don't think it's gonna be easy to divorce at all. I am hoping he freaking realizes about his mistake but he isn't. There are so many things wrong with them getting divorced and one of them will be our family's financial status being affected from stable to quite weak.

 

[britishbloke]

Hey @PrincessPure

I care about and have been following what's going on but I don't feel my advice or comments would be very considerate to the situation, that's why I haven't replied. I hope things get better though, for you and your parents sake.

 

[Brokendownwreck]

She does that because basically talking to my dad doesn't work. In middle of nowhere rn idk what to do. I don't think it's gonna be easy to divorce at all. I am hoping he freaking realizes about his mistake but he isn't. There are so many things wrong with them getting divorced and one of them will be our family's financial status being affected from stable to quite weak.

So he is just listening this is not a good sign it is possible that that he realises this is a mistake and it fizzles out, but also the reality that if it doesn't to be prepared. It would be a good idea for your mom to have personal therapy to help her through this as they are not to emotionally involved and can explore things with her on a deep level and support her through this. Its not a good idea to be the therapist in the family as you are too involved. That's why a therapist isn't likely to do this in personal relationships. If she had this in place you could just be there to support her without feeling pressure. I would say if they could go together to marriage counselling but thinking your father may not agree?. You could also benefit with therapy yourself too while this is going on,and if your mother has friends too that could help. As much support in place set up as possible so it doesn't become your main role to be the confident. Maybe I'm being too cautious here but my parents put tremendous burdens on me emotionally and mentally and I never had much peace of mind worrying. It is extremely exhausting and you end up bottling things up and being overlooked once you take on that type of responsibility. I wouldn't go down that road again for anything. I really hope in time they can work through it through if it's meant to be. Unfortunately these thi gs are out of your control and it's only time that will really work the situation out so look after yourself in meantime you need a voice too and hurts. You probably feel your security has been dashed so therapy would be good. It doesn't solve it you have to still go through all the hurt but you are not alone. Hope you can get this.