What's the point of living if nobody loves you?

Shannew · Mar 25, 2017

Hey buddy,
I'm sorry to hear that this issue about your physical looks and your relationship status has gotten you feeling so low. I just want to add a new perspective on the issue which you might not realise. I'm a 21 year old uni student and I turn heads like nobody's business. Every guy I meet wants to sleep with me or be with me, however I'm still single. I want a relationship, I want to be loved.. But no one wants a genuine relo at this age. They just wanna fuck, use you and then throw you away.. No matter how attractive you are. I'm not a bitch to people either so it's not my personality that scares them away either.

Don't be fooled into thinking you need to look like Channing Tatum to be loved. I have fallen for "ugly" guys because they are compassionate and caring or hardworking or have amazing minds. It really isn't all about looks. It also takes time to win a girls heart. Maybe you doubting yourself is making you give up earlier than you should?

Raphael1 · Mar 25, 2017

gufestus said:

you are doing it again, playing the 'I'm a victim' card. Things like good looks, beauty,being loved, that is all to do with glorification. But if you need these sorts of things to be secure, that isn't glorified. So it doesn't matter if you had these things or not, because the problem is the feeling of needing something to be happy. Your identity isn't all about looks or who loves you. That is only the surface of what makes up who you are. Otherwise this would be extremely shallow. If you just listen to others not just yourself then you will see that they are having more guts than you for trying to help you when you don't even want to help yourself. Why not instead of being sad, be angry at the attitude and mentality that you allowed yourself to sink into. No-one else can hurt you unless you allow them too. All the damage ever done to you emotionally or whatever has being with your permission. You can't overcome it until you own it. Dying is not going to make any difference to who you are or what you choose to think or do. But who you choose to be is going to make all the difference in the world.

gufestus · Mar 25, 2017

@Shannew At least you get attention. You at least have some chance of finding the perfect one. It's impossible for me. Because girls even don't think of me as anything they can be slightly interested in. They just ignore me at best and think I'm hideous at worst.

@Ralph. It all looks so easy to you. It isn't. Yes I'm playing victim. Because I feel like that. You say like I choose to be ugly or sad. I didn't. If I could choose to be happy and stop caring about my ugliness I would. But the problem is I can't. Because it's not me who cares about it. It's everyone else around me. I can't stop being ugly because people around me won't stop making me feel ugly. Today one of my friends laughed at me for my new haircut. Why? Because he thinks I'm ugly and no matter what I do about it I'll still be ugly.

Shannew · Mar 25, 2017

It's not as futile as it seems. As long as there are girls you have an opportunity. Guys go for looks, girls go for guys who are compassionate and understanding. On top of that guys have the role of being the pursuer, it's a blessing in disguise.

Also a side note: do you think if you had a girlfriend, you would be completely happy? Think about it, with everything seemingly good that happens in life there is associated misery e.g. Planning date night you both enjoy, keeping her faithful, getting into petty little fights. I think happiness can't really be achieved as a result of something.. It's more about the journey. What do you think?

gufestus · Mar 25, 2017

I don't know if I would be happy or not. I do know that I'll be less sad. Because I'll at least have someone in my life who cares about me and can look past my face. It may be a trivial thing for many people but to me it means the world.

Shannew · Mar 25, 2017

Your physical appearance seems to be a major insecurity of yours. Perhaps think about all the other people who have something "wrong" with their bodies who have overcome it and are now living happy lives e.g. Nick Vujicic -

I recommend you watch his ted talk here.

Plus, don't depend on a girlfriend to make you happy because more often than not, they will leave no matter how much you loved each other in the beginning. I don't think anyone should be dependent on another human being for happiness, because you will always be let down unfortunately.

gufestus · Mar 25, 2017

I'm not depending on a girlfriend for happiness. I just want to feel like I belong. That I'm capable of being loved and am not some hideous monster who scares away everyone. I feel sad because I've never experienced that.

Raphael1 · Mar 25, 2017

gufestus said:

Everyone has some quality about themselves that are pretty, instead of focusing on ugliness, you would be surprised to see the things about yourself that is positive if you cared to look, it could be your eyes, or anything. Marilyn Monroe dedicated her life to the fact that her charisma wasn't based on looks, but she went out of her way to prove that it's the way you carry yourself that brings you charisma. She did this by demonstrating she could blend into a crowd without being noticed, and then when she decided she turned into the 'Maryling Monroe' that people knew on demand. It was an energy thing, if you have bad energy it will contribute to being unattractive. Instead of getting upset about a haircut, think about what the best way to do your hair actually is, and then when you find that out you can make a joke of your haircut and actually laugh with them about it. If you want to feel pretty you got to make others feel good, cause that is essentially when they will like you. No-one is going to make you feel pretty if you are sending them a message that you are ugly already.

gufestus · Mar 25, 2017

Ralph. Are you a good looking person? Cause I can tell from the way you talk that you actually never had to go through with any of the shit that ugly people do. All your arguments are based out of ignorance. Laugh with the bullies? The only thing that does is make them think that it's OK to be mean to you. Using Marilyn Monroe as an example? Dude the entire reason her career existed was because she was pretty. She was a terrible actress. She's the prime example of beauty over talent. You have no idea how hard it is for me to get up everyday and look in the mirror. I see a hideous face that no one wants to look at. It makes me want to rip my skin off my face. You make it sound like it's some trivial bullshit and that if I just stopped feeling ugly it'll all go away. No. It won't. I'll still be ugly no matter how much I want to believe otherwise. Everyone will still hate me and turn away from me.

Raphael1 · Mar 25, 2017

gufestus said:

Actually, i have had to deal with the fact that one of the only women I liked broke up with me cause I was no longer attractive, and I couldn't win her back because she 'just stopped feeling' like I was attractive. When someone you love doesn't like you back it actually makes you feel way worse than if strangers treat you bad. I wouldn't call them 'bullies' maybe they are somewhat of jerks, but to let it affect you by the way you are speaking about it, clearly is painting a target on you to encourage them. Like maybe they are the type that you have to throw some digs back at them, especially in school, like it's fatal to take yourself too seriously, things like a haircut is a perfect example. They might be using it for humor but you don't want to be feeding their need to make themselves feel better by making you feel like shit, and if that's what is happening, it's an abusive cycle that needs to stop. I totally disagree with you that Monroe was successful because of looks, the whole point is that there is many really attractive women and they never have the career Monroe did.

I'm not saying that ugliness is not difficult to deal with, But you are taking this way further than is appropriate. This could have happened to anyone and does, not just you. Do you feel good at the end of your life to look back and think to yourself 'i just couldn't hack being ugly,it was too difficult', or do you want to make it to you are older and be able to say 'i dealt with that pretty well and was fairly strong forgetting through a crap load of discrimination' like this isn't just about your looks. You are being very shallow.

gufestus · Mar 25, 2017

Just cause it can happen to other people doesn't make it hurt less. You at least have been in a relationship. I've not. And no amount of mental gymnastics would change the fact that it's because of my looks. And how am I being shallow? I actually wish looks weren't that important. I really do. But reality is different. Being ugly sucks. It sucks hard. You'd know if you actually had to go through it. Going through your life knowing that no matter what you do, no girl will ever be attracted to you. No matter what you do, people will still think you're a hideous monster. Living your life with a face that's instantly repulsive.

Raphael1 · Mar 25, 2017

gufestus said:

I am no better off than you because my relationship never worked. Looks are entirely temporary just like your entire life, when people get older, everyone loses their looks. I can appreciate that you value beauty and that it's important to you, but this is not working out when you do not accept your appearance. Can you atleast look at other women you find beautiful and be happy for them that they are not ugly....that would be putting your appreciation for aesthetic beauty to a positive use,where it's not a selfish cycle of 'i don't have it'. I know being ugly sucks but who knows the real reason you have to go through this, maybe it was a test you made for yourself before you were born, maybe you are paying off some type of karma. whatever the reason why this happens, you can't just keep saying 'it sucks bad', while that may be true, there is other things that you have to do. Like you got to find your passion in life and get on with it. Not sulk. If looks determined everything than talent would be useless, and talent is at least something you can cultivate and put to use.

If everyone put as much importance on looks as you are on your own looks, it would be a very narcissistic place. You have to admit that you are taking this too far. The pain that you are inflicting on yourself just because of the way you were born, you are literally giving people power over you to judge you entirely based on that.

yozhik · Mar 25, 2017

I've been in discussions elsewhere on this forum similar to this. And the conclusion was that 'ugliness' is a combination of factors. This is just the truth. There's physique, facial features, and energy. Someone perceived as ugly will have to have no merits in any of these three categories. I think @Raphael1 touched on that with Marilyn Monroe. Besides being a 'classic beauty' she does not meet classical beauty standards. They've done facial analyses.

Facial features you can't do anything about--it's your face. But physique, you can work out if you want. And energy, projecting confidence is huge. That's two out of the three categories you have jurisdiction over. It's enough for you to get through to the point where personality matters with most girls. This is also just the truth. No matter what you look like you aren't going to be everybody's type. You aren't giving females enough credit, we aren't all the same. My sister thinks Ryan Gosling is hideous. I personally don't give a shit what a person looks like, but they have to be smart and interesting. But even I wouldn't date someone who was totally obsessed over how unattractive he thought he was. A girlfriend is not a self-esteem dispenser, that's not a healthy relationship.

I know after rejections, and lots of talking down on yourself, you've gotten very used to this narrative. It's comfortable. But it's parasitic. It isn't based in reality. Whether you believe it or not you can improve the situation. I agree with @Raphael1 in that you are taking this too far. A monster? No one is calling you a hideous monster but yourself. I have never seen a person and been like 'wow they're a hideous monster.' Not only is it absolutely savage, I've never seen anyone so ugly they deserve that title. And I may be young but I've seen a lot of people. Probably a couple hundred hours in airports staring at strangers because I didn't have a smartphone and you can only read so much, residence in two states, been to 17 or 18, and a handful of countries. And a lot of time in hospitals for various reasons lol. I've never seen anyone that bad. I mean there were people with some gnarly skin infections but that was the infection, not them. If you have one of those, you should see a doctor, but otherwise, you are just a person. Telling yourself it's out of your hands and you're helpless is a defense mechanism.

gufestus · Mar 25, 2017

Maybe people don't "think" I'm a monster. But they do make me feel that way. Being ugly is not a choice. I didn't choose to be ugly. But that doesn't change the fact that people judge me for it. They still base their opinions on my look. They think I must be an idiot because my face is fucked. They never give me a chance because why bother with someone like that when there are other more good looking people in the world. So yeah maybe I'm not a monster. But I do absolutely feel like one.

Raphael1 · Mar 25, 2017

gufestus said:

You are not listening, your attractiveness isn't based on just your face, you are being discriminatory, do you judge others this way, because if you do you need to stop it is a bad form of discrimination. The first person you need to respect is yourself, if you really can't stand how you look, atleast understand that you are not your body, it is just something you 'have'. I assume you have eyes and nose and a mouth. There is no 'eyes' that are ugly. Like think about it, a eye is something modern technology cannot even create that gives you an incredible ability to experience and do things, if you don't find some beauty in that then you are being totally ungrateful. As long as you have good hygiene, shower, and keep relatively clean, and i would fix your mental attitude it's a bad mentality, then you are not going to be stripped of every opportunity or potential good thing in life, but you have to take some initiative, arguing with us about your ugliness is only going to embarrass you. Like even if you were the most ugly person on the planet. How is this giving you more dignity by arguing about your right to feel miserable about it.

gufestus · Mar 25, 2017

I'm not arguing about being miserable. I don't want to feel miserable. But you guys are talking like being ugly is some kind of switch that can be turned on/off if I just put my mind on it. It can't. And attractiveness is absolutely based on how a person looks. Sure being funny or caring helps. But the first impression matters most and the first things most people notice is the face. And you're telling me to respect myself. How? How can I possibly respect myself if no one else does? I tried it. In high school I used to shrug people off thinking they were just being mean. I respected myself. Now I realize the fact. That they weren't just being mean. They were speaking the truth. And my mentality was not built in a day. I didn't just wake up one day and said to myself " You know what'd be good. Being ugly and miserable. " My 'mentality' was built up over 20 years of being treated like garbage.

Raphael1 · Mar 25, 2017

gufestus said:

There is people in this world more ugly than you that have achieved things, and in which they have a better mentality than you have. So you can't blame other people, like if you have experienced discrimination, so have millions of people with black skin, but should they go around saying, 'it's no use because my skin isn't white'. It is completely absurd. It is as absurd as driving on the highway with a car and saying like 'this car can't go over 100mph, everyone knows i'm driving in a shit box, it's no use driving any further at all....i just can't drive in this car because it's not good. What you are thinking is actually far worse cause it's to do with your own body image. If you want to do something like start a cause that is to do with helping people with their body image, cause I assure you that you are not the only one going through this, so if you can't handle it, how would you help others going through the same thing. Or you can give up and say it's too difficult, but that's not really satisfying is it.

Also why do you so badly need other people's approval. Even if you were the most attractive person in the world, how would that change who you are as a person, it wouldn't change anything, it would only make you feel confident and better that you had what you considered a pretty face, but so what.....that isn't even such a big deal cause sooner or later people have to get to know you.

gufestus · Mar 25, 2017

That is absurd. So just because others have experienced the same shit as me it makes my problem somewhat less worthy? And no I don't need approval. I need basic dignity. And I don't get that because I'm ugly. And being attractive does changes a lot about you.

Raphael1 · Mar 25, 2017

'basic dignity' would be living your life an not wanting to kill yourself. I have tried to explain it in so many ways to you, and the only thing you can come up with is 'it's a worthy problem because I'm ugly'.If you were pretty, and you had this attitude towards other more ugly people, I would actually hate you for that. So maybe it is fate that you learn to respect people not based on how pretty they are, cause now you know how it feels to be judged based on that don't you. So stop doing that. Then you can stop judging yourself.

gufestus · Mar 25, 2017

It's not me that's judging myself. It's everyone around me. If they stopped caring about my ugliness, I will too. But they won't.

What's the point of living if nobody loves you?

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