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Why do grades make me suicidal

18breanna

Active Member
#1
My junior year (an important year for college applications) I transferred to a really selective private college prep academy and my final year grades made me want to commit suicide. Everytime I happened to think about those grades I have the overwhelming feeling of wanting to kill myself. All colleges will see those grades and how disgusting I failed. My mom keeps telling me it's not that important but I know she's saying that just to make me feel better. Everyone knows how disgusting those kinds of grades are and I just want to erase them from my record but I can't and thinking about how I can't makes me want to kill myself again.
 

Rockclimbinggirl

SF climber
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#2
Remember life is not a race.

I think that you are likely putting a lot of pressure on yourself. It is okay to not go to college right away. People go as mature students, people take a gap year after high school.

Does your school have a counsellor you can talk to.
 

18breanna

Active Member
#3
Remember life is not a race.

I think that you are likely putting a lot of pressure on yourself. It is okay to not go to college right away. People go as mature students, people take a gap year after high school.

Does your school have a counsellor you can talk to.
A gap year really isn't realistic for me, I don't have anywhere to go after high school besides college.

Yes, I am very good friends with my counselor. The year that this was happening I came into he room a lot just to cry (she is very patient thankfully) and tell her about what I was feeling. She helped talk me through a lot of it but I still feel really suicidal thinking about that year
 
#5
Hi 18breanna and welcome
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
lots of people here have suicide thoughts, about lots of different things and the thoughts come and go some days stronger than others, and the reasons why we feel suicidal change, different things and thoughts trigger the feelings, but its never about what it seems to be about at the time we are in the pits of yuckiness, if you can entertain the notion that it's not about your grades at all but "just" the suicidal feeling making its presence known, then you can look at what you can do to try and change the feeling instead of beating yourself up because you cannot change the past, believe me if you can learn to change your feelings from hating yourself to loving yourself you will have learned the most valuable lesson in your life and they don't give out good or bad grades for that
Love and Light
P
 

18breanna

Active Member
#6
What about telling a doctor how you are feeling. Medications might help. Does the counsellor do CBT or any other therapies with you?
I have a counselor that my mom has me meet with occasionally to address some of my issues. I have told her about this and she tells me not to place my self-worth on grades. I know that and I'm trying really hard not to place my self-worth on grades but everytime I think of grades and how I should be getting good grades and how pathetic I look when I get bad grades I just fall back into suicidal thoughts again.
 

18breanna

Active Member
#7
Hi 18breanna and welcome
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
lots of people here have suicide thoughts, about lots of different things and the thoughts come and go some days stronger than others, and the reasons why we feel suicidal change, different things and thoughts trigger the feelings, but its never about what it seems to be about at the time we are in the pits of yuckiness, if you can entertain the notion that it's not about your grades at all but "just" the suicidal feeling making its presence known, then you can look at what you can do to try and change the feeling instead of beating yourself up because you cannot change the past, believe me if you can learn to change your feelings from hating yourself to loving yourself you will have learned the most valuable lesson in your life and they don't give out good or bad grades for that
Love and Light
P
Thank you. Any advice on how I can start loving myself? I try a lot but my grades are just to big to run away from.
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#10
Hello 18breanna,

Did you have very specific colleges in mind for attending? I don't want to know their names, I am just asking because some colleges don't care about your GPA at all. They only care about your SAT/ACT score (not sure if you are in the US). And the college I went to really didn't give a crap about your test score either. They were like, you TOOK the SAT/ACT?? Come on in!!! I still got a good education and was able to get plenty of jobs from it so my point is the grades do not matter as much as you might think. Instead of focusing your negative thoughts on these grades, try to focus on what you are going to do in the future to improve things. If your grades are low this year, why not aim for super high grades next year? Or a great college entrance exam test score?
 

18breanna

Active Member
#11
Hello 18breanna,

Did you have very specific colleges in mind for attending? I don't want to know their names, I am just asking because some colleges don't care about your GPA at all. They only care about your SAT/ACT score (not sure if you are in the US). And the college I went to really didn't give a crap about your test score either. They were like, you TOOK the SAT/ACT?? Come on in!!! I still got a good education and was able to get plenty of jobs from it so my point is the grades do not matter as much as you might think. Instead of focusing your negative thoughts on these grades, try to focus on what you are going to do in the future to improve things. If your grades are low this year, why not aim for super high grades next year? Or a great college entrance exam test score?
Hello,

Thank you for responding. I'm in the USA. The colleges I am looking at have high standards for both GPA and SAT. I have a high SAT but they put a lot of focus on GPA also. I have been improving my grades this year, thankfully.
 
#12
OK, here's how you love yourself, you take the feeling of love that you have for your grandma and you OWN it and USE it for yourself first. The love that you feel for her is not coming "from" her into you, but it is being created and rising within you and you feel it and send it or aim it at her, in a roundabout way you are 'blaming' her for YOUR feeling, when in fact it's your love that you feel, your just giving it away. So imagine a picture or memory of a recent time that you felt that love in her company, relive it, and when you are feeling the love rising within you, stop and let your grandma go out of the picture, leaving just you and this feeling of love, just for a few seconds don't give it away, own it, feel it, wallow in it, rejoice in it, and when you realize that you can "produce" this feeling of love using just a memory from the past then let it go and produce more. This won't solve all your problems but it will lift your spirits as you face them
let me know it it works for you
P
Here's a meditation you might try
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/expanded-awareness-meditation.128200/
 

18breanna

Active Member
#13
OK, here's how you love yourself, you take the feeling of love that you have for your grandma and you OWN it and USE it for yourself first. The love that you feel for her is not coming "from" her into you, but it is being created and rising within you and you feel it and send it or aim it at her, in a roundabout way you are 'blaming' her for YOUR feeling, when in fact it's your love that you feel, your just giving it away. So imagine a picture or memory of a recent time that you felt that love in her company, relive it, and when you are feeling the love rising within you, stop and let your grandma go out of the picture, leaving just you and this feeling of love, just for a few seconds don't give it away, own it, feel it, wallow in it, rejoice in it, and when you realize that you can "produce" this feeling of love using just a memory from the past then let it go and produce more. This won't solve all your problems but it will lift your spirits as you face them
let me know it it works for you
P
Thank you :^) I love thinking about her and this really helped me. It's good to know that there are things worth living for. Thank you also for the link
 

18breanna

Active Member
#15
It's great to have high goals. With hard work you can attain them! Just remember it's not the end of the world if you go to a different college. Grades, school, and work is just one part of you.
I agree, but my grades are more for me to feel good than they are for colleges.
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#16
I think it's a good sign that you take pride in your work. Do you have any study buddies to help you out going forward? Someone to help make sure you are studying and you do the same for them.
 

18breanna

Active Member
#17
I think it's a good sign that you take pride in your work. Do you have any study buddies to help you out going forward? Someone to help make sure you are studying and you do the same for them.
I have friends that study a lot and help me out. The problem is, I study and still get disgusting grades.
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#18
What study methods have you tried? Maybe you just haven't found the one that works best for you yet! Have you tried:

studying early in the morning
studying late at night
using flash cards
listening to an audio file covering the material
watching videos about the material
drawing pictures or graphs about it
reading things out loud to yourself
Trying to write down everything you know about a topic without looking at any materials
invent quizzes to give yourself
 

JmpMster

Have a question? Message Me
Owner Emeritus
#19
In the end acceptance of yourself and your abilities is one of life's greatest lessons- and often a painful one. Maybe straight A's was easy for 8 years or 10 years but then end of high school or at uni suddenly they were not. You went from a school to a selective private school where the work was more challenging than you were accustomed to- maybe it is too much to expect straight A's now, maybe you just need to catch up to those that have been in that tier for all of school. If you are going to a very selective university where getting in requires great grades, great SAT's, and lots of extracurricular then you will find a LOT of people that are used to be being on top that now are only average. Not saying that is you, not saying it is not- nobody knows until they get there.

I have a fair amount of experience of going through ever more difficult courses and seeing people that excelled at one level be barely average or not make the cut at the new level. The real truth is though it does not matter where you come out on a grading curve or anything else for an artificial measure of success in life. The true measure of success in life is how you perform not in an academic environment but in the real world and that success is only measured by you as the person living the life. If you spend your life comparing yourself to others you are either going to become depressed and jealous or a complete obnoxious self centered tool. Some actually manage to do both...

Perform for yourself, get grades for yourself, and whatever the result do not give yourself a reason to look back with regret saying you could've if you would've. You owe yourself your best effort and and owe nothing to anybody else. Learning to accept yourself and your abilities as good enough for you because you do not feel like you could have been better but chose not to put forth your best effort is the way to ensure a chance at a decent life. If you are sure you are doing what you can it is pretty easy to accept the results - maybe harder in school and while young, but as you get older you realize there is always somebody smarter , richer, more successful- and always somebody less- and neither effects you in the least unless you let it.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#20
I'm reading this but I'm wondering if you're a perfectionist and "disgusting" grades to you is some A's and B's. Or if we're talking about actual disgusting grades, like failing some classes. I don't thing we are.
 

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