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Why do people have kids?

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JDot

Sone Forever
#1
First off my intention is not to offend any parents here. I just want to understand why would anyone want to have a child ? Knowing how terrible and how hopeless this world is and knowing it's just going to get worse, I can't understand why someone would do that. Are they concerned about the future of the child at all? They have to suffer going through school. They have to suffer going through college and finding out the hard way it doesn't help you get a decent job. They have to suffer a 40+ hour job that sucks the life out of them and not even make enough money to do jack shit. I love my mother and father to death. But part of me hates them for bringing me into this world. I had a conversation with my mother earlier. At one point in the conversation my mother said "So you want to just give up and die?" I said "No I just wish I was never born." And then she said "Trust me. If I knew that 30 years ago, I wouldn't have done it." I was very confused. I wasn't sure if I should say "Thank you" because maybe now she understands how I feel. Or if I should say "I'm sorry" because I hurt her in someway. I don't know. Everything about life doesn't make sense. I hope someone can answer my question in a way that makes sense. I would like either an explanation or a genuine apology from my parents for bringing me into this world. I'm pretty sure that second thing isn't going to happen. I hope at least the first one does.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

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#2
I was an oops baby. Lets just assume many of us are a product of a romp with unintended side effect, and those same parents probably wrangled that question over and over .... regrets, disbelief, nervousness, what ifs and the whole gamut of human emotions throughout the 9 months of the journey or less for some of the tiny humans who wanted out earlier and had to face the music....

Love once they see their child for the first time...to some no emotions or attachment or denial. that's how they came into being as a parent. Its ideal that marriages and planned babies were parented better but altas that's not true. Lets just leave it as it is.
 

brknsilence

"Keep Moving Forward"-Meet The Robinsons movie
#3
Being a mother of 5...

I guess my intention to bringing them into this world is for many reasons. To bring life, to help me learn to be a child again, to play with them, teach them, and more.

They can be a handful. But they do help. Helps me to learn how to talk to others correctly. They help around the house (probably not much recently since their daddy left for work for awhile, but we are getting there. Maybe not at my pace but slowly getting certain things done - progress, I guess). Just learning to get down to their level of what's life was like as a child "play" "fun" "exploring" "creativity"...

Yes, we got to grow up... but I guess in many ways, what things as an adult can we find life enjoyable?

This morning, I dreaded taking my kids out to the appointments and grocery shopping. Just to get them settled in the office (they were getting bored and did everything they could to get into everything ) a light bulb turned on in my head and remembered, "I have a bag of M&M's in the diaper bag." "Okay, kids... if you stay seated for a moment, you get an M&M" it worked... in 15 minutes everything went well. We left and did grocery shopping, promising they're get a treat on the checkout from the last store. All went well and we were all happy.

Not sure if any of this helped but I guess we just need to find something that keeps us going.

Just overall, would I ever want to bring more kids into this world? yes. Maybe they'll be our light in this darkness? I don't know.

Hugs

Hope this helped. If not, I will keep trying :)
 
#4
I understand your perspective, and I don't want of my own, but I think this decision helps me to have more resources to share with the children already in my life, and the others I am sure will come. I think it's beneficial for children to have support outside of just their parental unit, to help reduce some of their 'suffering', or help them through it, and additional guidance etc.

Some people do have children for solely selfish reasons, or by accident. But I think there are some pretty valid reasons why many choose to procreate:

1. Ok you say the world is bleak---what do we do to fix this? If not us, it may be the next generation---for there to be a next generation people must procreate. What if those who invented the plane/medical advances were never born...wouldn't the world be more bleak?

2. Also you say suffer through school for instance. This is not the experience of everyone. What is suffering to you, may not be to the parents or to the child born, so the suffering you envision may not come to pass for the child. I guess this is linked to hope for a brighter future.

3. Suffering itself does not make something not worthwhile. It may be an horrendous trek up to the mountaintop, but the sense of accomplishment on getting there and the view can make the struggle worthwhile.

4. To pass on the "good" about you so that another positive ripple is left in the world.

5. To consciously break whatever negative cycles. You parents didn't love or listen to you---be damned sure you don't repeat that with your child.

6. It is a source of joy for many, even through the work involved. Watching children grow helps give you a different perspective on life, seeing them learn, and be amazed by things that you take for granted for one.

7. To give a sense of purpose to one's life. If you take parenting seriously, this is your lifelong ongoing 'career', and it can bring self worth knowing you are doing it well. Some people find this purpose in other ways.

Long story short (too late, I know): to increase their joy, bring purpose to their life, and to make the world a better place.

Oh, also hugs, and babies' smell and energy: these can make waking up daily quite a bit more pleasant.
 

Walker

✮.·.☆ Mr. Fantastical ☆.·.✮
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#6
My kid wasn't planned & I feel pretty bad because he's terribly depressive too. I tend to think he geeks much the way you do. He doesn't understand why anyone would ever want to have a kid or why you'd pass on bad genes to them (where he gets his craziness from) I feel like I should apologize too! And frankly I've told him many times that I'm *sorry* for sending him into the world with such terrible genetics.

I never got to answer for myself the "why" because the kid was here before I ever had a chance to ponder "wanting" a kid (we were 16) so I can't actually answer your question in that regard. Sorry.
 

ghosTea

Counterculture Nerd
SF Multi Media
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#7
For me I chose not too and I never will I just don't see a good future for the upcoming generations in so many ways. Small thoughts here and there can really get me down. I do have a three year old Nephew and I just can't imagine what it will be like when he grows up. Small things like watching National Geographic channel seeing all these animals and I turned to my mom and said. "These shows kind of make me sad because I always wonder how many of these animals will be extinct before I die" and her response was "I don't think any will" She is not even aware of how many already are on there way because of us. There will be more technology that further isolates people, more poverty, more war and less resources. Just all signs point in the direction of the world becoming a worse and less inhabitable place and I can not see bringing someone new into the world.
 

Deety

SF Supporter
#8
I planned both my children, and this was before I suffered from depression. I was a very optimistic person, and although I thought of the environmental arguments etc, I just believed that raising two young people to help make the world a better place was worth it. Of course the decision was selfish as well, I wanted the joy of raising them and loving them.
The two of them are still my best decisions in life. Although my worldview has shifted, I still believe my children will be a force for good, and I hope to teach them them and give them the tools they need for dealing with life.
Unfortunately they have seen and heard a lot of things from me at times over the last two years when I've been unwell, that they shouldn't have had to (eg. 'Why aren't you wearing your seatbelt Mummy?' 'Mum doesn't need to wear her seatbelt because it doesn't matter if she dies'). All I can do is hope I can repair the damage I've done to them with my depression over time. They know I love them to pieces, so hopefully this is the most important thing for their own future happiness and well-being.
 

JDot

Sone Forever
#9
My kid wasn't planned & I feel pretty bad because he's terribly depressive too. I tend to think he geeks much the way you do. He doesn't understand why anyone would ever want to have a kid or why you'd pass on bad genes to them (where he gets his craziness from) I feel like I should apologize too! And frankly I've told him many times that I'm *sorry* for sending him into the world with such terrible genetics.

I never got to answer for myself the "why" because the kid was here before I ever had a chance to ponder "wanting" a kid (we were 16) so I can't actually answer your question in that regard. Sorry.
@avalanchefan95 I feel like I should apologize to you. My head wasn't in a good place when I made this thread. Of course I guess it usually isn't when we feel we need to vent. But when I typed my words I was fully aware they could make some parents feel bad. But I chose to do it anyway. Please don't say "sorry" to me. The idea of you saying sorry to your child for the reasons you said make me feel uneasy. I understand why you're thinking what you're thinking even though i'm not a parent. But do you think you could do something for me? Could you tell him you are glad you brought him here? Even if you're thinking something different.
 

Walker

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#10
Could you tell him you are glad you brought him here? Even if you're thinking something different.
Oh shit, @JDot This kid is my fucking LIFE. I tell him he's the universe to me, my whole fucking world. Just because he wasn't planned doesn't mean a thing to me. It doesn't change the way things are (or were back then) He's 24 now and been dealt some lame hands in life (diabetic since age 10, depression since then too and last year he got a nut lopped off after getting cancer) so he's generally stagnant and unhappy with the world. We don't talk about it much but I feel like the same way that I get out of bed every day to make sure I live for him, he's mostly only living for other people too. And you know what? I'm ok with that. Whatever keeps him here is ok with me. I hope that one day that lifts for him and he's happy again. Will that happen? I have no idea. He could be registered on this site right now and I'd never know. But he knows he's the reason the sun comes up every day for me. There's nothing that compares to your own kid. Why do we have them? I don't really know the "why's" of it but I sure know that there's nothing else like it. You talk about needing something to LIVE for? Something to take your mind off your own bullshit or how miserable you are.... have a kid. Aside of the stress of money and the woman that goes along with it, it could be the best thing you'd ever do for yourself, selfishly. :)
 

frew

Well-Known Member
#11
I personally don't think the world is an objectively bad place. It's all about your perspective. I would want to have children because I want to experience that type of love, I think it's a totally unique way of loving someone and being also being loved. (Maybe that is selfish). I also want to pass down the things I have learnt and learn new things from them. I want to help them develop and grow into the best person they can be, and to support them into being themselves, and to hopefully make the world a better place, by bringing a loving, empathic, caring person into it. I want to teach them compassion and how to live morally, and to stand up for what you believe in, despite what anyone else thinks.
 

Liz2017

Well-Known Member
#12
My children are the goodness and hope in my life. I truly believe they will make connections in this world. Despite my depression, I am never sorry I had them. It's been a wild ride to watch them grow up. My son struggles with depression and drug abuse, but I'm always in his corner. I think this life is about connections, wherever we find them. Maybe it's just a smile to a stranger at the grocery store. Maybe that one act will change their day. I think we underestimate the impact we have on each other's lives.

JDot, it sounds like you are really struggling with the purpose of life. I hope I don't offend you with making that assumption. Just want you to know that you are not alone. I really enjoy the book 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Viktor Frankl. It's my go-to book. It inspires me when I'm feeling lost and hopeless.

Sending warm feelings your way.
 

JDot

Sone Forever
#13
My children are the goodness and hope in my life. I truly believe they will make connections in this world. Despite my depression, I am never sorry I had them. It's been a wild ride to watch them grow up. My son struggles with depression and drug abuse, but I'm always in his corner. I think this life is about connections, wherever we find them. Maybe it's just a smile to a stranger at the grocery store. Maybe that one act will change their day. I think we underestimate the impact we have on each other's lives.

JDot, it sounds like you are really struggling with the purpose of life. I hope I don't offend you with making that assumption. Just want you to know that you are not alone. I really enjoy the book 'Man's Search for Meaning' by Viktor Frankl. It's my go-to book. It inspires me when I'm feeling lost and hopeless.

Sending warm feelings your way.
You haven't offended me. I'm actually in the middle of a spiritual journey. I will be honest. If you had posted this a little over two months ago, I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought. I used to think the idea of a purpose to life was silly. I've been involved with NA these past two months. And it has opened me up spiritually. I'm starting to get that there is a purpose to my life. But I'm not exactly sure what it is. I actually read Man's Search for Meaning a long time ago. I think I should probably read it again. I was probably too young and haven't experienced enough to grasp what he was writing about. All I really remember about it is the part about the Holocaust. I think I'll get it from the library after I finish the book I'm on. Several people have mentioned that book recently. That has to be some kind of sign.

Thank you for the warm feelings. And warm feeling back at ya.
 

MommyOf1

Well-Known Member
#14
First off my intention is not to offend any parents here. I just want to understand why would anyone want to have a child ? Knowing how terrible and how hopeless this world is and knowing it's just going to get worse, I can't understand why someone would do that. Are they concerned about the future of the child at all? They have to suffer going through school. They have to suffer going through college and finding out the hard way it doesn't help you get a decent job. They have to suffer a 40+ hour job that sucks the life out of them and not even make enough money to do jack shit. I love my mother and father to death. But part of me hates them for bringing me into this world. I had a conversation with my mother earlier. At one point in the conversation my mother said "So you want to just give up and die?" I said "No I just wish I was never born." And then she said "Trust me. If I knew that 30 years ago, I wouldn't have done it." I was very confused. I wasn't sure if I should say "Thank you" because maybe now she understands how I feel. Or if I should say "I'm sorry" because I hurt her in someway. I don't know. Everything about life doesn't make sense. I hope someone can answer my question in a way that makes sense. I would like either an explanation or a genuine apology from my parents for bringing me into this world. I'm pretty sure that second thing isn't going to happen. I hope at least the first one does.
I got pregnant with my daughter at 24, I was a party animal who had no direction in life. I was young and incredibly scared, my daughters father urged me to get an abortion and the more I thought about it; the better it sounded until I went for my first ultrasound. The moment I saw my baby's heart beat I began to cry. Life suddenly had a purpose for me and that was to be a Mother. It has been a long, hard six years since her birth but giving her life has given my life a real purpose. If she wasn't here, I'd either be dead or in jail. I'm not sure if I want another kid but I can tell you that growing a life inside of you changes you as a person. It changed me in so many ways.
 

JDot

Sone Forever
#15
I got pregnant with my daughter at 24, I was a party animal who had no direction in life. I was young and incredibly scared, my daughters father urged me to get an abortion and the more I thought about it; the better it sounded until I went for my first ultrasound. The moment I saw my baby's heart beat I began to cry. Life suddenly had a purpose for me and that was to be a Mother. It has been a long, hard six years since her birth but giving her life has given my life a real purpose. If she wasn't here, I'd either be dead or in jail. I'm not sure if I want another kid but I can tell you that growing a life inside of you changes you as a person. It changed me in so many ways.
Your reply really touched me. I think I see why people have children. I wish I had something that meaningful in my life. Who knows. Maybe I do and I just can't see it.
 

Liz2017

Well-Known Member
#16
JDot,
Wow! You've read that book at a young age! For some reason that makes me smile!
FYI for others who haven't read it-it's not a religious endorsement at all. It's actually the beginnings of logotherapy. Really interesting stuff.
JDot...
 

MommyOf1

Well-Known Member
#17
Your reply really touched me. I think I see why people have children. I wish I had something that meaningful in my life. Who knows. Maybe I do and I just can't see it.
Everyone has something meaningful and it's not the same for every person. You have to find something positive everyday. Some days are harder than others for me but when I lay in bed at night, I think about something good that happened for me each day no matter how depressed I am.
 

JDot

Sone Forever
#18
JDot,
Wow! You've read that book at a young age! For some reason that makes me smile!
FYI for others who haven't read it-it's not a religious endorsement at all. It's actually the beginnings of logotherapy. Really interesting stuff.
JDot...
I always had a feeling like there was something wrong with me. It wasn't uncommon for me to get books on psychology and read them or try to read them. I did so hoping I would find something and go "that's what my problem is!" It's also the reason I got a BA in psychology.
 

cvb2377

Well-Known Member
#19
I'm a 22 year old female I know I'm young but I hate when people say I'll change my mind about kids, I won't and I never want kids, I just don't have the patience or mental stability for one. I like my individuality and personal time, Some people say I'm selfish for saying that but I feel like no one should have a kid if they don't want them. Freedom of choice and all that. plus there's no shortage of children around so it's not like the continuation of humanity is on the line. If I did want kids I wouldn't want to pass on my horrible mental sicknesses to them anyway so it's probably better that I don't have them in the first place. Half the the time I wish I wasn't born for how I am so I wouldn't wish that on any child.
 

Liz2017

Well-Known Member
#20
I'm a 22 year old female I know I'm young but I hate when people say I'll change my mind about kids, I won't and I never want kids, I just don't have the patience or mental stability for one. I like my individuality and personal time, Some people say I'm selfish for saying that but I feel like no one should have a kid if they don't want them. Freedom of choice and all that. plus there's no shortage of children around so it's not like the continuation of humanity is on the line. If I did want kids I wouldn't want to pass on my horrible mental sicknesses to them anyway so it's probably better that I don't have them in the first place. Half the the time I wish I wasn't born for how I am so I wouldn't wish that on any child.
CVB2377,
No one should be able to tell you what you look me or dislike. You sound like you know yourself pretty well, right? It must be terribly frustrating for others to try and change your mind.

I hear what you are saying about mental illness. It's been a HARD struggle for me. Dark times. I'm really liking the suggestion by MommyofOne to think of one good thing each night. I'm going to try it. I hope you will too.

Either way, I'm happy that you're 'here' among others who get it.☮️
 
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