Why Im So Weak?

[Mayarian]

Why I cant face a problem without crying alone? Why I cant hold my tears and just be like anyone else, hang in there?

Today its just a simple mess. I have an evaluation not doing it well bcs of nervous. My friend that in the same team with me did it really well, she really is. She's kinda a off clock(often late, even today I showed up first and did the paperwork to complete our admin but it just a simple task I dont mind) and I knew she didnt put a lot of hard work to study for this but she can answer the questions bcs actually its not that hard but my mind getting really nervous and I did a fatal mistake not once but thrice. My mentor said he dissapointed at me. Ofc Im getting a huge scolding but he actually being kind enough to let me slide and give me a chance to fix it at the next monday.

I can hold my tears fortunately so I can avoid to be called a big cry baby. I did well at composing myself even after that mess I go out with my friend and search for some food and talk a lot until night(stress reliever she said).
Now I got home and showering, make a coffee. Everything is good, I can fix it so I dont really have to worry right? It just a small problem, everyone had their own and they can stay strong and laugh. I knew several ppl 'secret' problem at their live but they can fix it with a smile.

And right after I locked my room, sit down. My head screamed "YOU FKIN WEAK CRYBABY SHIT AND IDIOT" I dont know it just came suddenly. I cant stop crying even when I write this. It just been like this everytime I feel shame and dissapointed at myself. I cant stay strong, always crying and crying. I still could face anyone bcs no one knew that Im crying. If anyone in my real life knew I cant face tomorrow again.
Why Im being like this? I want to be strong, smart like anyone else but why I cant?Why Im always being the worst ones? Never once I achieved something that worth of compliments.

My 'mask' cracked again today. Im grateful that it didnt break outside tho. I can fix my 'mask' again, I need time.

 

[Were all together]

Hi Mayarian, you're not weak. Sometimes all you need to do is talk. You got a second chance. Just tell yourself you can do this. Ignore the thoughts in your head of being a weak crybaby idiot. You need to tell yourself, you're not. You can do it!

 

[SillyOldBear]

@Mayarian There is nothing wrong with a good cry. I understand about not wanting to do it in front of others. But when alone, I say, go for it. I stopped being able to cry a long time ago. Got too bitter and cynical. So in a way I envy you. Just be gentle with yourself.

 

[Mayarian]

Hi Mayarian, you're not weak. Sometimes all you need to do is talk. You got a second chance. Just tell yourself you can do this. Ignore the thoughts in your head of being a weak crybaby idiot. You need to tell yourself, you're not. You can do it!

@Mayarian There is nothing wrong with a good cry. I understand about not wanting to do it in front of others. But when alone, I say, go for it. I stopped being able to cry a long time ago. Got too bitter and cynical. So in a way I envy you. Just be gentle with yourself.

I couldnt said much bcs currently I dont know how Im feeling right now,being 'unstable' again but really Im really thankful for the reply

 

[Were all together]

Hope you're doing better!