Yet Again

[Kaysha]

Hi

I seem to have posted quite few threads lately as my life just spirals down and down. I battle suicide and SI seemingly on a minute by minute basis. I have decisions to make about returning to work on Monday. According to family, friends, pdoc - its all up to me as to what decision to make. I am tired of having to take responsibility. I know its my life but I wish I could crawl into a small space where all my decisions are made for me.

I am so angry and I don't understand the anger.I so much want my body to be absolutely splattered, mauled - whatever. But what do I do? Well, I do what I have done tonight and take meds and continue to take them until they finally put me asleep. I have such a high tolerance I think I could raid a pharmacist and survive.

Ironically the one thing that did put me out for a couple of days was chloryl hydrate - which was found in Anna Nicole Smith's toxicology. Unfortunately because I took to much once, now I can't have any.. So I continue to up the ante on the meds I have here.

Yep, normal Saturday night - me, meds, knife. A friend gave me a magic wand after I said I needed one - my only wish is to die.

:depressed
Kaysha.

 

[Scum]

Aw darling.

Have you tried crisis lines? Have you asked your psych what you should do in these circumstances when things get so bad? Could you maybe go to hospital? They might give you something to tire you over there.

It good that you are still fighting this, even if it seems hard.

With regards to your job, maybe that are trying to empower you? Are you someone who feels the need to be in control?

Also, maybe they are trying to remove the pressure from you.

If you are finding it hard to decide, maybe make two spider diagrams, one for the reasons to go back to work, and one for the reasons not to go back to work. Remember that if everyone tells you it is your choice, there is no presssure and you can truly do what you feel is best.

Hang in there honey and take care of yourself

Keep fighting.

 

[Kaysha]

Hey Scum,
thanks for your response.

I have tried going to a private hospital - twice in about the last month. They were both VERY short stays. They would not give me the meds I need to cope and to be able to sleep so I signed out. (I need elephant tranquilizers to calm me even to the current state, let alone to wipe myself out!)

If I tried going to a public hospital, they would probably deem me perfectly fine and send me home. Also staying in a public hospital causes some difficulty for me because work means I may know some of the patients and staff there.

as for the job, its really not a sense of empowerment anyone is trying to give me. I am an adult and cannot get mum or my doctor to make the decision for me... But I wish someone would. I want someone to take away the pain.. And I can't describe it.

Thanks again.


Kaysha.

 

[Scum]

What about just going to hospital tonight, because you feel bad. I know people that have gone, felling bad, and come away with a prescription for two or three pills, just to tire them over for a day or two.

You might be an adult, but there are plenty of people that would interfere in an adults life. I know that you probably want that, but it's good that your family are respecting your choices and options.

Could you do anything to distract yourself tonight?

Do you feel that you are 'getting better' with all the help you are receiving? I only ask because I wonder whether if you had some sort of hope, that might help you on these nights that are awful for you.

 

[Kaysha]

Its really hard to get any good meds in Aust and they would only give them in really small quantities. Also, I have quite a few lots of meds at home. Plus,if I went to hospital they are more likely to get me examined by the psych staff - not helpful at the hopeless public hospitals.

Unfortunately I do not feel Im getting any better. I have no hope. There is no purpose and there is no hope. This is not a statement I make lightly, but a statement after decades of looking for hope and purpose and not only none, but the opposite..

I do appreciate your help. Wishing the meds would kick in...

Kaysha

 

[Scum]

Hopefully the meds will kick in soon. What kind are they?

I'm not sure if they exist in Aus, but have you come across therapeutic communities? Is that something that might help?

 

[Kaysha]

What are therapeutic communities? They may be known under another name here...
Kaysha

 

[Scum]

Erm, basically somewhere that you go to live for a while, like between a year to three, depending on the place. They have staff there, and all the people there have similar problems, ie BPD or something like that, people with PDs are often treated in therapeutic communities over here (I don't know whether you have any diagnoses, but that was just for interest). They also take people with OCD and any other severe mental health conditions. It is generally people that have found that other therapies, meds, whatever have not worked.

They have support staff there at all hours, it's basically a community that offers therapy and support. That kind of thing.

 

[Kaysha]

Well its now two weeks later and I have had to tell work that unless I can have a 3 month leave of absence I will need to resign. I feel so shit. I feel so much like harming myself. 3 months where I go more crazy, bored, probably put on weight and work out ways to wreck my life further. I so much want my body to HURT.

I have read several posts where people have talked about the pain of depression and loneliness. And that is what it is - absolute agony where screaming from the gut can't even begin to produce a sound that equates how I feel. Maybe that's why I want every inch of myself literally splattered into nothingness.

I feel abandoned - disconnected.

Kaysha