your too young to feel this empty girl.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by poeticxxxtragedy, Dec 26, 2006.

  1. poeticxxxtragedy

    poeticxxxtragedy Active Member

    being a depressed,angry,empty,lost,confussed,insecure teenager in todays wonderful fucked up society sucks penis. i keep trying to think back and remeber when i was happy. it was when i was little. like really little. around 3 or 4. my mom and dad werent popping pills. my sister was someone i looked up too. we ate dinner at the table. we did family things. i acctualy thought i was pretty. i remember when i was in 4th grade, my mom, my brother, and i were going to pick up my dad at a rehab center and we were standing outside of the place and i said "mom will i be happy when im older?" she said "i hope so" i never thought i would be like this. 6th grade was the first time i cut myself. i would have periods where i would cut myself, not do it for months, and then start back up again. i did it a lot in 7th grade and for about a month or 2 in the begining of 8th. around march of last year i started binging and purging and i lost weight from it. that went on until summer when the weight lost stopped. i got pissed because i couldnt "have my cake and eat it too" anymore. now i`m in 9th grade. things have just been spiraling down. my legs are a fucking joke. my stomach looks like it`s straight out of a horror movie. now i cant stop cutting. i try and try and try but i cant. things at home couldnt be worse. i`ve lost all my friends. i dont have anyone to talk to anymore. i dont even fucking know. i`m writing this so i wont cut but its REALLY REALLY REALLY NOT helping the urges. i`ve been thinking a lot about the future latley. the way i see it is, i have 3 options: finish school, get married, kids, divorce, living on pay check to pay check, kids growing up, i get old, they throw me in a nursing home and i die. option 2: live fast die young, plain and simple. bury myself in drugs and booze until it eventualy kills me which is prettty much a fucked up option considering the shit ive seen drugs do to people but i dont know whats wrong with my head right now so? anyways, option 3: figure out what the fucks wrong with me so i can change it and enjoy life instead of wasting it. dont think option 3`s gonna work out too well though. oh fuck it. me and my razor have a date in the bathroom. sorry for wasting your time<3.
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I hope you can choose option 3 and carry on. Cutting is a very addictive behavior and so hard to stop. You have shown that you can do it though. Have you sought any types of intervention for your feelings? Sometimes other methods of coping can be found and the addiction can ease up. I will think of you as you struggle to put your life together and find what you want. :hug:
     
  3. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Your first sentence says it all. It is a fucked up world and we are expected to figure it out. It just bites and sucks major balls. Don't cut it is addicting.
     
  4. jjustme

    jjustme Guest

    I know life hurts and it's hard most of the time... but you really have to try option 3! You really have to try to stop cutting...
    And I know it's easy to say, I'm a cutter too... But we have to stop!
    Can't you go to a psychologist? Maybe it'll help you to collect your thoughts. Writing does not always helps to the urge, but have you tried other things to take the urge away? Like reading, walking, listening music...
    You have to stay strong and go for option 3!!:smile:
    Take care a lot!
    :hug:
     
  5. poeticxxxtragedy

    poeticxxxtragedy Active Member

    yeah. ive done just about anything but see a therapist. i asked my dad to take me to one a few months ago and he laughed and said "you dont need to go you dont know what real problem are" i was like:mellow: okayy...and havent asked again. they dont know about my cutting so =/. but thanks to everyone who replied. it means alot to me that someone accutaly read that<3.
     
  6. jjustme

    jjustme Guest

    Oh that's a very bad reaction of your dad:mad: That's not fair:sad:
    Can't you try to tell him about your cutting?
    Or maybe you can go to a teacher at school and he'll bring you to the right person where you can talk with...
    Good luck:hug: