1 Week

[Lara_C]

Thanks for the update @GraveRobber . Glad you got professional help and are now more stable and also glad you know there are people in the world who see you and care about what you're going through. You matter, you deserve to be happy and you're not truly alone in this darkness. Rays of light and hope can breakthrough and give you something good to hold onto. I hope you keep sharing on here how you're doing.

 

[GraveRobber]

Thanks for the update @GraveRobber . Glad you got professional help and are now more stable and also glad you know there are people in the world who see you and care about what you're going through. You matter, you deserve to be happy and you're not truly alone in this darkness. I hope you keep sharing on here how you're doing.

Hello Lara_C,

There's still lingering shame I have for seeking help and even posting. I'm actively trying to combat this and acknowledge that these are thoughts coming from the deepest darkest depression. Even as you type, it's so very difficult for me to accept care. I hope you are doing okay wherever you are.

 

[Lara_C]

I understand @GraveRobber and thank you for your well wishes . Am sending you the same. Keep going. Share on here only what you feel comfortable with, no pressure. We are listening but you set the pace.

 

[CrossedSeas]

I want to acknowledge what you said about it not being easy, but thank you for posting how you’re doing. Adding to the well-wishes, if you’d like them.

 

[Pebble mouse]

Hi @GraveRobber. I don't have much time and am on my phone, but I wanted to say how happy I am you have come back. It seems like you took the brave step to seek help. That takes far more courage than hurting yourself.

I hope you turn things around soon. It sounds like you are already well on that path.

Keep posting, if you wish. You are valued here, as everyone is.

 

[seabird]

I'm glad you are still here @GraveRobber.

 

[Angie]

I am glad you are still here and I thank you for the update.

We do care!

 

[KM76710]

Hello Lara_C,

There's still lingering shame I have for seeking help and even posting. I'm actively trying to combat this and acknowledge that these are thoughts coming from the deepest darkest depression. Even as you type, it's so very difficult for me to accept care. I hope you are doing okay wherever you are.

I hope you can get to never feel bad about posting here, this is the place for it, for yourself and others. We are here and you are in thoughts.

 

[Congratsbaby]

Hello SF, Hello Until Dawn.

This is Grave Robber.

I want to share that I am still here and I am alive. The past month has been quite hellish. I thought to post here and share that I'm still here as so many people still care for my well being. I was able to be stabilized through medical help and medication since my last post. Where I am, I am able to meet with a psychiatrist, nurse and pharmacist. We've put an action plan and I am now stabilizing on my new medication. Prozac isn't perfect but it's there regardless. In terms of my wanting to end my life, it is still there. It gets louder when I think about loneliness, my ugliness, and well-my body. I'm taking it one day at a time and it's hard for me to do that. Having mental illness is so exhausting, that my mind likes to trick me that going away permanently is something that is a "logical solution" to this problem.

I think about my parents... I think about my friends (I do have friends, though I don't talk to them about this anymore, they know I suffer from depression but-they're getting tired of it. I don't blame them), I think about my relatives... I think about the front desk lady at the gym I go to... I think about the people here on this forum.

I'm still here and looking back at the posts people made, I can't deny that people in this cyberspace, care too.

Thanks for caring.

It is so nice to hear you got the help you need
I hope your road ahead won't be so tough. You're welcome.

 

[may71]

I was worried you weren't going to come back, but I'm glad you're still here and have stabilized. I hope things will keep getting better from here.

 

[GraveRobber]

I was worried you weren't going to come back, but I'm glad you're still here and have stabilized. I hope things will keep getting better from here.

I am glad that I am still here... I was worried too. I think this whole experience really terrified me, I still have those thoughts but more muted-tame? I guess I'm not 1 week out anymore... Can I still ask for support in this thread? I'd like to ask for support regarding the belief that I am unlovable? Why am I pressing myself so hard on wanting to be in a relationship? I guess, I had put most of my worth on that... Even though I'm fighting, on the outside I look 'put together' - but I'm a mess... I'm masking all the time. On top of this... most of my worries come from uncertainty... I didn't really have a 'stable' childhood growing up, I had moved so many times and had to rely on imaginary friends/stuffed animals, then video games to cope... I also don't want to put this on anyone else, meaning I really want to be well and maybe I have a chance? I don't know... Anyways, this is all just a smorgesborg of my messy thoughts.

Thanks as well for reminding me I can still share here. Did any of you overcome the self-hate train? How long did it take you to? Are you also able to comfort yourself in times of uncertainty? If so, how do you do it?

 

[Congratsbaby]

I am glad that I am still here... I was worried too. I think this whole experience really terrified me, I still have those thoughts but more muted-tame? I guess I'm not 1 week out anymore... Can I still ask for support in this thread? I'd like to ask for support regarding the belief that I am unlovable? Why am I pressing myself so hard on wanting to be in a relationship? I guess, I had put most of my worth on that... Even though I'm fighting, on the outside I look 'put together' - but I'm a mess... I'm masking all the time. On top of this... most of my worries come from uncertainty... I didn't really have a 'stable' childhood growing up, I had moved so many times and had to rely on imaginary friends/stuffed animals, then video games to cope... I also don't want to put this on anyone else, meaning I really want to be well and maybe I have a chance? I don't know... Anyways, this is all just a smorgesborg of my messy thoughts.

Thanks as well for reminding me I can still share here. Did any of you overcome the self-hate train? How long did it take you to? Are you also able to comfort yourself in times of uncertainty? If so, how do you do it?

I hope you find peace if possible or something similar.

Just answering that last question. Sometimes , I am able to comfort myself in times of certainty. I question my anxiety and ask myself , why do I feel anxious about this uncertainty? What are the possible outcomes of this uncertainty that I am afraid of? Then , it is usually the realisation that follows that I would still be okay. I validate my anxiety still. Sometimes I let myself not get anxious ( by logic and self love. To be specific in the self love thing / self compassion and hyping myself up ) , after acknowledging the uncertainty which is making me uncomfortable. I do that , when I think the situation doesn't deserve my energy.

If sometimes , I am unable to comfort myself at the moment. Like my family is abusive , if I suspect I can be their target. Uncertainty stays , but I continue doing my work ( sometimes bare minimum ) , keeping myself busy but I make a promise to myself to allow myself that comfort afterwards.

Relaxation after the realisation , like doing the things I like / want to.

Also just remembering all the qualities you hold within yourself.

 

[Angie]

Can I still ask for support in this thread? I'd like to ask for support regarding the belief that I am unlovable? Why am I pressing myself so hard on wanting to be in a relationship?

@GraveRobber you can ask for support on that issue here at SF. I might suggest starting a new thread if you are going to share/vent about a separate topic. But that is totally up to you!

Again, I am glad to see you!

 

[may71]

Can I still ask for support in this thread?

Yes, if you'd like to.

Anyways, this is all just a smorgesborg of my messy thoughts

That's ok. There's no requirement for posts to be organized in any way.

I also don't want to put this on anyone else

Talking about the most difficult and painful things in your life is what SF is for. No one is forced to read or reply to your posts, so you're not burdening anyone.

Why am I pressing myself so hard on wanting to be in a relationship?

I wonder if it's because of your loneliness as a child, and projecting so much importance on imaginary friends, you have an idea of an imaginary romantic relationship that has an exaggerated importance.

Are you also able to comfort yourself in times of uncertainty? If so, how do you do it?

I think we can act with good intentions, but after that we have to accept the outcomes. The universe decides the outcomes, we can just make efforts.

 

[GraveRobber]

Yes, if you'd like to.

That's ok. There's no requirement for posts to be organized in any way.

Talking about the most difficult and painful things in your life is what SF is for. No one is forced to read or reply to your posts, so you're not burdening anyone.


I wonder if it's because of your loneliness as a child, and projecting so much importance on imaginary friends, you have an idea of an imaginary romantic relationship that has an exaggerated importance.


I think we can act with good intentions, but after that we have to accept the outcomes. The universe decides the outcomes, we can just make efforts.

Hello Mr. May, I think what I meant was I shouldn't burden my future partner (if I ever have any) with this my mental health struggles. But that's a conversation for another time.

Thank you @Congratsbaby for your reply (and @may71). I couldn't sleep so I thought to hop in here and say hi. The suicidal thoughts are coming back again and I'm trying to stave it off. I was spending the last 20 minutes in bed with roominating thoughts and I forced myself to get up and do something else I guess...

Anywhoo, it's exhausting to be sufferring with suicidality. I'm going to try to go to sleep again.

 

[Congratsbaby]

Hello Mr. May, I think what I meant was I shouldn't burden my future partner (if I ever have any) with this my mental health struggles. But that's a conversation for another time.

Thank you @Congratsbaby for your reply (and @may71). I couldn't sleep so I thought to hop in here and say hi. The suicidal thoughts are coming back again and I'm trying to stave it off. I was spending the last 20 minutes in bed with roominating thoughts and I forced myself to get up and do something else I guess...

Anywhoo, it's exhausting to be sufferring with suicidality. I'm going to try to go to sleep again.

You're welcome. Firstly , I am kind of sorry that I wasn't there ( perhaps maybe you expected that either or both of us would be online at that time?) I was away. I hope you were able to sleep well. And by something else , I hope you didn't harm yourself. But even if you did , well it's just your coping mechanism and I am not judging here but I hope you overcome it.

I am sorry about the suicidal thoughts, their frequency and recurrence. I get what you're saying. It is exhausting indeed.

It just sucks , it really does. I do feel that sort of pain for other suicidal individuals , because I can relate in some aspects. Life feels this empty long cycle.

I am not sure if you were looking for more advise , suggestions but here are some ( you can skip reading if you'd not want ) I think , accepting the feelings as they come ; it can be really painful but it kinda works for me even if at first the feelings are a very long time of just pure anguish. Though , it makes sense why you might not feel pleasure or struggle with it but holding onto whatever tiny bits of thing that makes you feel happy , allows you to come home to yourself ; deliberately doing it can help.

Other than that I wish you well and I believe you're courageous which I admire , for you to tag us here when you felt like it.

 

[GraveRobber]

Hello 👋🏼

I hope everyone is doing well. I thought of the people following this thread. How are people. I guess I'm back here on the site again to remind myself that self-harm and suicide is not the best idea. I'm going through hurt, more specifically hurt of feeling unlovable-rejection. Funny how limerence works and how we must grieve through it. I was limerent for someone because I'm having a hard time giving that of which my behaviour was fueling to myself.

I'm glad that the person I liked had a great time with me and respects me and I respect them. I'm just really really sad that they don't feel the same way or, well in this case I'm assuming they don't. Maybe in another life? By life-I mean me in another dimension. I hope that I'll be okay and that this grief (of not being able to be with this person and ultimately needing to sever connection which I haven't done yet) wont consume me.

What a life this is... Let me take it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time. No need for me to berate myself further.

I'm really really sad... Ouch, believing I am unlovable hurts...

 

[Congratsbaby]

Hello 👋🏼

I hope everyone is doing well. I thought of the people following this thread. How are people. I guess I'm back here on the site again to remind myself that self-harm and suicide is not the best idea. I'm going through hurt, more specifically hurt of feeling unlovable-rejection. Funny how limerence works and how we must grieve through it. I was limerent for someone because I'm having a hard time giving that of which my behaviour was fueling to myself.

I'm glad that the person I liked had a great time with me and respects me and I respect them. I'm just really really sad that they don't feel the same way or, well in this case I'm assuming they don't. Maybe in another life? By life-I mean me in another dimension. I hope that I'll be okay and that this grief (of not being able to be with this person and ultimately needing to sever connection which I haven't done yet) wont consume me.

What a life this is... Let me take it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time. No need for me to berate myself further.

I'm really really sad... Ouch, believing I am unlovable hurts...

I hope you find some moments of comfort in these hard times.

 

[GraveRobber]

Thanks a bunch. There's this gaping hole inside and I'm trying my best to tend to it.

 

[Congratsbaby]

Thanks a bunch. There's this gaping hole inside and I'm trying my best to tend to it.

You're welcome. Sorry you're going through this..
I hope you wouldn't be hard on yourself.