a quick one before the eternal worm devours my bedroom

[brutus61120]

First of: is it okay to double post because I've already recently made a thread here? If not, sorry

Things have gotten worse. Not as in something bad has happened, just... I feel way more useless than ever. And I find no joy in anything. I don't want to finish this semester. I don't want to see my friends or family. Okay, that might be a lie. But I don't want a future. I'm scared of it, but I also just don't want it. I miss my cats at home so bad it hurts, but I know I can't see them forever. A friend suggested we could take a trip to IKEA during our break, have ourselves a nice time eating those cheap meatballs they have. That sounds nice. But it's not enough to stay alive for.
I have a plan. I know I'm not allowed to say more than that and I won't.
But I lied to my psychologist today. She goes on holiday next week and she asked me to promise I wouldn't do anything until she returns, and I promised and I was lying out of my ass. I don't plan on even keeping my appointment with the substitute she was kind enough to arrange for me. When I left her office today, I was crying. Don't really know why. I guess in another life I would've really liked to be the kind of person who works wholeheartedly on themselves. Who turns their life around and all that jazz. But I'm tired of pretending I'm someone I'm not and waiting for that better Me to appear and take over. It won't.
I don't know why I'm even writing this. I guess I'm not as determined as I should be. Maybe I want someone to tell me what to do. To tell me it's alright to go crying to someone now. I don't even know who. I don't know who to tell. I don't want to be locked up. I'm scared. I want it to be over already. You know, wake up from this "oxidized nightmare" like a little kid and toddle to my parents' bed and crawl underneath the covers. Whose covers? God's, I guess. I don't even believe in any of that. Never have. I do pray sometimes. Because the Pater Noster just feels good on the tongue. I wish I had a dad to call. Or someone, anyone, who's big and strong and who'd do the unbearable things for me. But I'm a big girl now. I'm supposed to live by myself.
It all boils down to this: I'm responsible for my own life. That is an inalterable fact. No matter what, I have to be the one who decides to live. If I say I don't want it, then it is so. And I don't want it. No one else will take over the wheel. So I'll crash. Man is alone. I'm alone. Sartre and all that jazz.
I'm sorry to say, but I think even joining this forum was a pipe dream. I'm too stubborn for it all. I've made up my mind about the world and now I just have to gather to courage to put the philosophy into practice.

 

[seabird]

welcome to sf. Hope it's okay to respond without editing. I'm glad you did this post, and it sounds - as far as I can tell - you didn't lie. You aren't too stubborn for your own self. There's some argument to be made for courage utilising that stubborness for following the path of finishing the semester and seeing what the rest of summer has to offer. I mean besides meatballs. It's always going to be chiaroscuro especially being self-aware and articulate.

You're not alone when you're here.

I hope you find support and kindness here. It's a good community @brutus61120

 

[Aurelia]

I think you do believe in God at least to an extent because, based on what you wrote, you are clearly longing for Him to keep you safe and protected. Have you prayed about these things? I ask Him to speak to me, guide me, and show me the way often. And He does, in numerous different ways. When I came to believe in Christ, my mind changed drastically. I became kinder, more loving and forgiving, and developed a different point of view about sorrow and suffering. Bottom line, I've learned to accept my circumstances. I still feel anxiety, sometimes a lot of it, but I can tolerate it without feeling like there's nowhere to turn. I feel like therapy may not work for everyone. This may or may not be the case for you, but for me, at least, it's never worked. But when I turned to God, the changes came quickly. Wishing you all the best.

 

[may71]

Youre in extreme danger. Now is a good time to do what it takes to stay alive. This includes believing in god.

Your treatment is going to work out... Alternative, ECT, new meds... but you have to give it time

Just about anything is better than a suicide attempt

Worried for you

 

[Lisa the Goatgirl]

Hey, welcome to the site, hope my wordy reply doesn't scare you off it.

First of: is it okay to double post because I've already recently made a thread here? If not, sorry

That's totally fine. This site is meant to be here to help you in whatever way you need. If that means you need to double-post, that's completely acceptable. Believe me, we've had members who've posted way more threads.

I don't know why I'm even writing this. I guess I'm not as determined as I should be. Maybe I want someone to tell me what to do. To tell me it's alright to go crying to someone now. I don't even know who. I don't know who to tell. I don't want to be locked up. I'm scared. I want it to be over already.

For what it's worth, that is alright to do, going crying to someone now. Hell, it's a course of action i'd generally recommend. I wasted so many years trying to shove everything down, but in my experience it doesn't really work. Your fear is understandable though. Getting forced to go to a mental ward is a scary thing, and fear of it can make it hard to reach out. You've told us though, and that's a great start.

Whose covers? God's, I guess. I don't even believe in any of that. Never have. I do pray sometimes. Because the Pater Noster just feels good on the tongue. I wish I had a dad to call.

I can relate, i'm the same. I was raised by atheists, so i've never really claimed there is a god, but i like to think/pretend there is, and talk with them sometimes, hoping we're on good terms despite my.....stumbles over the years. And i'm the same with my mum, i often wish i could talk to her when there's heavy stuff going on.

Man is alone. I'm alone. Sartre and all that jazz.

Yknow Sartre also said hell is other people? Idk, i like some of what Sartre had to say, but he strikes me as a very misanthropic person. The kind to create his own isolation and then wax philosophical about its inevitability, yknow? And when i read this:

I don't want to see my friends or family. Okay, that might be a lie. But I don't want a future. I'm scared of it, but I also just don't want it. I miss my cats at home so bad it hurts, but I know I can't see them forever. A friend suggested we could take a trip to IKEA during our break, have ourselves a nice time eating those cheap meatballs they have. That sounds nice.

It doesn't really strike me as hell being other people for you. It kinda sounds like other people are your salvation. Not that i'm arguing with you, or saying how you're feeling isn't valid, just saying i don't think we're truly as alone as Sartre would have us believe.

I'm sorry to say, but I think even joining this forum was a pipe dream. I'm too stubborn for it all. I've made up my mind about the world and now I just have to gather to courage to put the philosophy into practice.

You say that, but i think in reaching out here, in some way you are being the kind of person you want to be.

I guess in another life I would've really liked to be the kind of person who works wholeheartedly on themselves.

This is you working on yourself. Yeah, it's not thriving on kale, meditating 6 hours a day, and having the mental hygiene of a guru, but nothing is built overnight, especially not good mental health. It takes time, and patience, but all it takes to begin the journey is a single step. And that's exactly what this represents, a step in the right direction. You're allowed to be proud you took it.