Today I found someone I considered my best friend for nearly 8 years hasn't felt the same way about me in a while. This was someone I loved like a sister and would have done anything for. I was planning to travel 1,000 miles to meet her for 3 days, just to hug her and tell her face-to-face how much knowing her all these years has helped me. Basically, they have been " fading out" for a long time, while I have been desperately trying to CPR the friendship for just as long. I wasn't expecting to talk every day, but literally our conversations the rare times we had them were limited to " hi, what's up" " watching a movie." The end. Actually, I was lucky if there was a response. This is in contrast to how we used talk for hours a day( which isn't healthy either, but....). At first I figured she was just really busy, then I thought I was crazy (after being gaslighted by her for ages),but tonight, after begging her to tell me the truth, she admitted she hasn't forgiven me for past fights we've had where we both said harsh things. I feel very hurt and abandoned, but what hurts the most is how they led me on and made me think nothing was wrong. I understand it can be hard to tell someone that you no longer wish to be friends, but slowly disolving a friendship while saying everything is fine, then when finally admitting the truth, turning it around and saying that they are abandoning me for my own good because they can't be a good friend to me. This is someone who I would need right now when I am upset and who I would want to be there for if they were upset. It's so disingenuous. It's the equivalent of , " it's not you, it's me." They aren't abandoning me for my good, they're abandoning me because they don't want me in their life anymore and they can't own up to that. I feel like the one person I thought I could trust is no longer who they used to be if they ever were the person I thought they were .... Um... If that makes sense. Still, the part of me not devastated feels relieved. First, they are better off now without me and I wish the best for them. Also, once I get over this hurt I can start putting energy into new people who do want me in their life. It will be hard, since it's hard for me to let go of people to let go and hard for me to trust someone again. i guess this is kind of like how a broken romantic relationship feels minus the romance. Anyway, I am a caring person and a good friend and I won't give up on finding true friends. I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess it to get my feelings out and reach out to anyone who can relate. Thank you to anyone who read this tlrd. I appreciate it.