Admitting it

Yesterday I did one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I finally opened up to my parents about the sexual molestation I suffered at the hands of a coach and how badly it has affected me and how I wish that they had done more. They wish they had done more too (they found out a few years after it happened - when I was able to remember it - but when I was still a teenager and there was still a statue of limitations) they kept saying things like, "we let you down" and "we made you think it wasn't important" and "we should have showed you that we wanted to help" which is all true, but I am no longer angry at my parents. I know they don't think I am angry at them and they want to help, but it is literally 10 years since they found out about the abuse and 15 years since it actually all happened. Sometimes I want to believe that it is a false memory I have or that I am a pathological liar and I made it all up, but obviously that's not true. They should have definitely had more than a 5 minute conversation with me about it at the time, but there's nothing we can do about that any more either.

Then I told them that it wasn't the only incidence of sexual abuse, that I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-boyfriend (when I was 14) and that he raped me and beat me up also. The look on their faces was so painful to me and made me feel like I was a huge burden, a person that kept getting abused and causing all this turmoil and pain years later. I didn't even have the heart/courage to tell them that I got raped at 13 by a stranger. I feel like it would crush them and I had no more strength left to do so.

I thought opening up would make me feel better and make them understand more of why I am so depressed and suicidal but I think it has caused more confusion. I also feel very exposed, like I was standing in a room full of people on a stage naked, almost. That is what sharing the story feels like sometimes and I hate it. I hate it that I am constantly feeling guilt and shame and that I am causing my other family members to be worried and depressed. Sometimes I feel like I am the problem and it would be better if I was gone. I feel like since so much time has happened this should all go away. I am very tired of it all. It is so emotionally overwhelming that sometimes all I can do is cry and hope that even for a minute during the day I can get some relief from this.

 

I am so proud of you for taking this talk with your parents. I know it must have been so hard for you to do!

But you are no burden, you have been treated horribly, and none of that is your fault. And you are certainly not the problem!

It might feel weird now, but I think you did the right thing in opening up. I believe in time it will get easier, and now that your parents know they can help you better, and you won't have to live a lie. That is only adding to the burden on your shoulders. I am proud of you that you took this step.

I am personally debating whether or not to tell my mother that I was sexually abused for years at my school, where she knows I was horribly bullied... but I don't think I'm as brave as you. (also, she didn't really react the way a mum should when I told her I was raped at 13).



I think in time you will be very grateful that you opened up about this.


I am here if you ever want to talk hun.

 

The reason why I never opened up to them before now is because they didn't react the way I thought parents should when they found out about my coach. All they asked me was, "Are you ok?" and when I lied and said yes they left it at that and it always angered me. I used to want to slap them and say, "How can anyone be okay after that?!" Once we saw my abuser and I thought for sure my mom was going to say something to him in person but she didn't and that crushed me. It made me feel like she really didn't care what happened to me. I want to tell my mom about that day and how I wish she would have done something, ANYthing because I am hurt so much from that moment, but I know it will come out as blaming and make her feel like a failure as a parent and I don't want to do that.

Having to live a lie was definitely taking a toll on me. I feel a little less stressed now. However, I do feel very sad that time hasn't seemed to help me at all.

 

In time when you ar ready, you should try to talk to your mom about that incident. There's a number of reasons why she might have acted like that. But like you said, if you fear it might come out as blaming her, it is not the time.

You are doing all the right things, seeing therapists etc. I wish I had a miracle cure for you, but I can say, don't give up. Get the treatments you deserve to better yourself.
The abuse will always be part of your story, but you need coping mechanisms on how to survive it.
Did you look into DBT?

 

@ThePhantomLady , I'm going to have to go to a new therapist in about 3 sessions, so I may talk about it with a new one, which is a whole other stress. I have definitely looked into it. Thanks, everyone. You make me feel stronger!